One lunatic's love-hate relationship with the Pokémon franchise, and his addled musings on its rights, wrongs, ins and outs. Come one, come all, and indulge my delusions of grandeur as I inflict my opinions on anyone within shouting distance.
dealt with ALL the Ultra Beasts.
Nihilego, Buzzwole, Pheromosa, Xurkitree, Celesteela, Kartana, Guzzlord,
all seven of them have been reviewed.
…what do you mean, they added more!?
Okay, so… 802 Pokémon was not enough, it’s never enough, it will
never be enough until I’m dead, so
Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon added another five Pokémon that weren’t in the
original Sun and Moon, and can’t be traded back to those games either. Four of those were additional Ultra Beasts,
and for the sake of thematic unity I’m going to cover them before returning to
the legendary Pokémon of Alola. Our
subjects for today are the first two, the only Ultra Beasts to evolve: Poipole
and Naganadel, the Poison Pin Pokémon (the same species name as Nidoran!).
We now come
to the final Ultra Beast of Sun and Moon (though not the final one of
generation VII as a whole), Guzzlord, a.k.a.
UB05 Glutton, a.k.a. the Junkivore
Pokémon. Guzzlord consumes all, drawing
everything into itself and growing ever larger, and in just the same way it has
engorged this entry to a truly unreasonable size – so without any further
preamble, I’m just going to jump into it.
[First of all: apologies for this one being late. I lost quite a bit of writing time last week flying back from Athens and recovering from jet lag (which, for me, tends to involve sleeping for 15 hours straight), but I think everything is just about back on track now!]
Ever had a paper cut?
Hurts, doesn’t it?
Well, today’s Pokémon, the Ultra Beast
Kartana, would like you to know that it lives to cause you that pain. Every time you turn a page in a book too
quickly and feel a sudden, sharp sting, or every time you lick an envelope and
your tongue or lip screams at you to abort the mission because something has
gone horribly wrong, Kartana is there, watching. And laughing.
Pokémon is a bamboo alien, a moon rocket, and
an ancient Japanese princess.
promise it makes sense.
rocket-booster arms, long flowing hair, steel gown and tiny head make it one of
the most bizarre of all the Ultra Beasts, but once you dig through its lore and
inspiration… well, you can see where they were coming from. Let’s take a look at the Launch Pokémon.
One of the
perennial hazards of modern life is having to keep all of our different wires
straight. Everything you own has a
different charging cable, and all of them, if they are ever moved or placed in
a bag or, gods forbid, allowed to come into contact with each other, will
instantaneously morph into eldritch spaghetti as soon as your back is
turned. Xurkitree is, as far as I can
tell, the result of letting too many of your different charging cables get
tangled up until they achieve a collective malevolent sentience, then steal
your Christmas decorations and elope with a bunch of zip ties. But now, just when you thought the lunatic
nightmare was over… Xurkitree has returned from outer space. For revenge.
on Pokémaniacal, we met Buzzwole, a horrendously jacked space mosquito who can
drink an entire Snorlax in under a minute, and one of two Bug/Fighting-type
Ultra Beasts. The second is our subject
for today: Pheromosa, who almost couldn’t be more different, and seems like it
might be meant as a high-feminine counterpart to the arch-masculine Buzzwole
(which would make sense given their status as version-exclusive Pokémon for
Moon and Sun, respectively). Let’s take
Today’s Pokémon is our second Ultra Beast, the abomination of hulking
muscle and red life-juice that is Buzzwole.
While clearly just as weird and arguably un-Pokémon-like as Nihilego, Buzzwole
is weird and un-Pokémon-like in very different ways, the main commonality being
that Buzzwole also lacks well-defined facial features (I mean, it kind of has eyes, but they look more
like real insectoid compound eyes than the heavily anthropomorphised eyes that
Bug Pokémon often have, and are very small and indistinct). However, unlike the unrelentingly alien
Nihilego, Buzzwole is if anything weirdly and unsettlingly human while
simultaneously being obviously insectoid – fitting for the Bug/Fighting type
combination, but a striking contrast to the one previous Bug/Fighting Pokémon,
Heracross. Let’s take a closer look.