Kyle the Dragon asks:

If you were a dragon, what would you hoard?

To be honest, I’m not really a hoard-y person; maybe it’s because I spent most of the last 7 years living in a foreign country not wanting to collect too much excess stuff I’d eventually have to pack up and ship a long distance, then had to come home at short notice and left behind most of the things I did own.  Maybe books… but books are heavy and take up a lot of space, y’know, and who doesn’t have an e-reader these days, even as a dragon?  Actually, I think dragon-Chris might hoard maps.  Maps of real places and imagined ones; maps that lead to buried treasure; maps of the body, mind and spirit; maps that are scrupulously accurate and maps that are half-dream; maps that help people conceive of the shape of their world and their own place within it.

James Crooks asks:

React to this: https://www.sbnation.com/secret-base/22177214/which-pokemon-would-make-the-best-basketball

“Which Pokémon would make the best basketball?”… hmm…

Well… the answer’s obviously Jigglypuff, right? Round, bouncy, probably about the right size?

I guess it’s worth further investigation…

This article only examines five Pokémon, which… I mean, I think there are many other possible choices not considered here, but they do correctly assess that Jigglypuff is a good choice. Yes, technically Ditto can just Transform into a basketball, but I don’t think that’s really in the spirit of the exercise. Even if we allow it, there are better choices – Mew can also Transform, but is much less likely than Ditto to faint and lose its shape, while Arceus might be able to just conjure a real basketball from the void. These suggestions are unworthy, in my learned opinion. Disqualified.

Continue reading “James Crooks asks:”

The Dance of Dragons asks:

If you had a dragon, what would you name him/her?

I had a fairly long discussion about this with Jim the Editor and didn’t really come to a satisfying conclusion; I think I’m possibly going about the question the wrong way.  See… when I take it upon myself to imagine a dragon, I sort of… picture something that would come with a name?  Like, a dragon to my mind is an intelligent creature that might not necessarily want me to name it, or might expect a name from its own language.  Y’know, you can’t name a dragon the way you’d name a pet dog or whatever because it’s going to understand the name and has to like it, but it’s also weird to just give a dragon a normal human name like “Kyle” – which is a name I genuinely like and could imagine giving to a kid, but is undeniably a weird name for a dragon.

Can you do that?  Can you name a dragon “Kyle”?  Kyle the dragon?

I mean, I’m committed now; I guess if I ever get a dragon, then this is what’s happening and we all just have to live with that.

The Dag asks:

Who would win in a dance-off? Ludicolo, Oricorio, Bellossom, Sudowoodo, Maractus, Jynx, or you?

Okay, so, the easy part first: I cannot dance, and I come dead last.  I will, however, sabotage all the other contestants by spiking their drinks.  I’m not trying to tip the competition towards anyone in particular; I just think it would be hilarious.

Now, what are the dance skills of all these Pokémon like?

Continue reading “The Dag asks:”

Alicent Hightower asks:

Which Pokemon would you choose for your personal sigil and why?

Should this just be my favourite Pokémon?  Is there a reason for it not to be my favourite Pokémon; should I have a better reason than that?

Well, my favourite Pokémon is Vileplume (for reasons discussed herein).  The Pokémon that represents me, that really is who I am and aspire to be deep down, is Druddigon, who lives in a cave being surly and irritable, occasionally emerging to terrorise a village and eat people.  So I guess it’s one of those two (or both; I could have my arms quartered or something, right?).  I hope that answers your question.

Gigantamax Garbodor asks:

As punishment for your sins, you are now condemned to be transformed into a stage 1 Com Mon. But you do get to choose which one. What do you choose and why?

Also, isn’t it great that I exist?

okay I know you’re joking, but Garbodor is the only Pokémon not from generation I or VIII that has a Gigantamax form (aside from Melmetal, who is, like… generation VII and a half/honorary generation I), and I really did not need another reason to suspect that someone at Game Freak reads this blog and is actively trolling me

(I SEE YOU, TURNER, AND I STILL THINK VANILLUXE IS DUMB; YOU CAN’T STOP ME FROM DYING ON THIS HILL)

anyway, even if you were sent from hell specifically to torment me I guess I still have to answer your question, huh

Continue reading “Gigantamax Garbodor asks:”

The Dag asks:

If Milo asked “Pokemaniac Chris, why won’t you date me?!” what would you say?

is this like that weird trick question from Blade Runner with the tortoise in the desert, where you’re asked to explain why you wouldn’t do something that you would definitely do, and then if you give a rational answer instead of just getting angry it means you’re a robot

is that the particular farce in which we are presently engaged, The Dag?

‘cause if so, my real answer is because I plan to sacrifice him in a void ceremony to bring forth an ancient star-spawn that will grant me phenomenal cosmic power

but, I mean, obviously I wouldn’t tell him that so probably I’d actually say that “it’s not him, it’s me” (which is true in context) and I need to take time to “work on myself” (which is also true in context)

Riddler asks:

You have a Fenniken, a Torchic, and a bag of Sitrus berries to take across the river on a boat, the boat can only transport one at a time, the Fenniken is hungry but won’t eat the berries, the Torchic will eat the berries but is a noticeable few levels lower than the Fenniken, how do you get them all across the river when, while testing for deepness, you threw your pokeballs into the river and you can’t swim?

why the fµ¢£ would I throw my Pokéballs into the river to test the depth when rocks are literally free

besides which, listen, if this Fennekin can’t be trusted not to eat my Torchic when I leave them alone together, then it can fµ¢£ing swim across; I don’t care if it’s a Fire-type

hell, why am I even training a Pokémon that wants to eat one of my other Pokémon?  Throw the fµ¢£ing Fennekin in the river and let it drown; see if I care

EDIT: Riddler further asks:

What if you were trying to sell the fennekin and it was just bought, if you don’t bring it you won’t get your money?

Then I guess I would recite the extremely well-known solution to this extremely well-known riddle?

  1. Take Torchic across, return alone.
  2. Take Fennekin across, return with Torchic.
  3. Take berries across, return alone.
  4. Take Torchic across.

Was that what I was supposed to say in the first place?

(also why am I selling Pokémon? That sounds kinda fµ¢£ed up)

EDIT AGAIN: Riddler further asks:

The guy outside Mount moon sells live Magikarp, plus you are literally just given pokemon, not to mention Team Rocket’s black market.

Team Rocket’s black market is… well… Team Rocket’s black market; I mean, there are two very significant red flags in the name of the thing you are citing. The Magikarp salesman is also characterised as… pretty damn shady; like, in the anime he literally runs a pyramid scheme, and even in the original games, where he has like three lines, it kinda seems like he’s deliberately trying to mislead you about what you’re buying. I suspect that exchanging a Pokémon for money might be seen as kind of crass or unethical in a way that trading or giving away a Pokémon is not – largely because the best examples of Pokémon being sold are… well, not above board.

Also, this is a very annoying way to have a conversation; there is a comment section and you don’t need a WordPress account to use it.