ARE YOU DEAD?

YES

I recently chose to spend some time dead, for tax reasons

Accordingly, I booked a few weeks at a luxury resort in the inner ring of the seventh circle of hell, concealed my treasures within a hermetic vault beneath the Southern Alps, and arranged my own murder at the hands of an international cabal of mystic assassins

My remaining agents on the mortal plane have now established a psychic link to allow me to answer reader questions, as well as orchestrate terrible vengeance against all those who have abandoned my service or otherwise wronged me during my absence, in preparation for my inevitable resurrection

The ritual will commence shortly; please do not be alarmed if you are struck by falling frogs while outside, and if you have pets, try to keep a qualified translator of Old Babylonian on hand to record any instructions they may give you