One lunatic's love-hate relationship with the Pokémon franchise, and his addled musings on its rights, wrongs, ins and outs. Come one, come all, and indulge my delusions of grandeur as I inflict my opinions on anyone within shouting distance.
Pokémon is a bamboo alien, a moon rocket, and
an ancient Japanese princess.
promise it makes sense.
rocket-booster arms, long flowing hair, steel gown and tiny head make it one of
the most bizarre of all the Ultra Beasts, but once you dig through its lore and
inspiration… well, you can see where they were coming from. Let’s take a look at the Launch Pokémon.
One of the
perennial hazards of modern life is having to keep all of our different wires
straight. Everything you own has a
different charging cable, and all of them, if they are ever moved or placed in
a bag or, gods forbid, allowed to come into contact with each other, will
instantaneously morph into eldritch spaghetti as soon as your back is
turned. Xurkitree is, as far as I can
tell, the result of letting too many of your different charging cables get
tangled up until they achieve a collective malevolent sentience, then steal
your Christmas decorations and elope with a bunch of zip ties. But now, just when you thought the lunatic
nightmare was over… Xurkitree has returned from outer space. For revenge.
on Pokémaniacal, we met Buzzwole, a horrendously jacked space mosquito who can
drink an entire Snorlax in under a minute, and one of two Bug/Fighting-type
Ultra Beasts. The second is our subject
for today: Pheromosa, who almost couldn’t be more different, and seems like it
might be meant as a high-feminine counterpart to the arch-masculine Buzzwole
(which would make sense given their status as version-exclusive Pokémon for
Moon and Sun, respectively). Let’s take
Pokémon are just… weird. And frankly I
kind of have a soft spot for them. Heatmor? Someone jammed a blast furnace through an
anteater and thought it would make a cool Pokémon; I love it. Spoink?
It’s a spring-loaded pig’s head that can’t ever stop moving or its heart
will explode. Perfection. Gligar?
I… I mean, I’m gonna be honest; it’s been eighteen years and I still don’t
know what Gligar is, but clearly he’s great.
Probopass? I… well, …okay, I draw
the line at Probopass because that moustache is clearly just a crime against
all that is natural; I have limits. But
the point is that quirkiness is appealing to me. So, presented with a Pokémon who is
apparently an undead clump of seaweed wrapped around a rusty ship’s wheel and
anchor that it uses to hunt whales… well, colour me confused but intrigued.