One lunatic's love-hate relationship with the Pokémon franchise, and his addled musings on its rights, wrongs, ins and outs. Come one, come all, and indulge my delusions of grandeur as I inflict my opinions on anyone within shouting distance.
[First of all: apologies for this one being late. I lost quite a bit of writing time last week flying back from Athens and recovering from jet lag (which, for me, tends to involve sleeping for 15 hours straight), but I think everything is just about back on track now!]
Ever had a paper cut?
Hurts, doesn’t it?
Well, today’s Pokémon, the Ultra Beast
Kartana, would like you to know that it lives to cause you that pain. Every time you turn a page in a book too
quickly and feel a sudden, sharp sting, or every time you lick an envelope and
your tongue or lip screams at you to abort the mission because something has
gone horribly wrong, Kartana is there, watching. And laughing.
Today’s Pokémon is our second Ultra Beast, the abomination of hulking
muscle and red life-juice that is Buzzwole.
While clearly just as weird and arguably un-Pokémon-like as Nihilego, Buzzwole
is weird and un-Pokémon-like in very different ways, the main commonality being
that Buzzwole also lacks well-defined facial features (I mean, it kind of has eyes, but they look more
like real insectoid compound eyes than the heavily anthropomorphised eyes that
Bug Pokémon often have, and are very small and indistinct). However, unlike the unrelentingly alien
Nihilego, Buzzwole is if anything weirdly and unsettlingly human while
simultaneously being obviously insectoid – fitting for the Bug/Fighting type
combination, but a striking contrast to the one previous Bug/Fighting Pokémon,
Heracross. Let’s take a closer look.
The Alolan archipelago has at last surrendered all (or, well, most) of its secrets – so now the time has finally come for us to leave behind the world we know. The stars have aligned, the ritual is complete, the Dark Forces from Parts Unknown have imparted their mystic secrets, the Ultra Wormhole beckons, and the void opens before us, promising nothing at the price of everything. Yep – we’re figuring out the Ultra Beasts. There’s ten of these freaky bastards (not counting Lunala, Solgaleo and Necrozma), and they’re each getting their own entry. My aim over the course of those ten articles will be not just to review the Ultra Beasts individually, but also to, hopefully, figure out… well, something about them as a group. What are they? What exactly is Ultra Space? Why are they such a threat to Alola? Are they really a group at all, or just a random sample of the variety of life that exists in an infinite multiverse? All these questions, and more, will… honestly, let’s face it, probably not be answered here on Pokémaniacal, but we’ll bloody well give it a go – starting with probably the best-known Ultra Beast of all, Nihilego.
we’re almost at the end now, technically – today’s Pokémon are the last
“ordinary” Pokémon of Alola. On the
other hand, we’re sort of not near the end at all, because we’ve got not only
legendary Pokémon to do after this, but also Ultra Beasts, and I think I
promised to write something about the
Alolan forms as well, and… oh, let’s just get on with it. Here’s Jangmo-o, Hakamo-o and Kommo-o: the
I think I
may have been born an old man. I’ve
always been jaded, crotchety, forgetful and averse to change, and my whole life
has just been building up to the day when I’ll finally be able to use my age as
an excuse for it. It is for this reason
that my spirit Pokémon is Druddigon, who lives in a cave and hates everyone,
but I have a certain sympathy too for today’s Pokémon, an elderly, white-haired
berserk dragon known to the Alolans as Drampa.
Right. Where were we? Almost done! I mean, perhaps not almost, because on top of the standard legendary Pokémon there’s a dozen Ultra Beasts in this generation, and then I think at some point I promised I would talk about all the older Pokémon with Alolan forms, and I need to talk about a bunch of the human characters too, and eventually those BASTARDS who DID THIS TO ME in the first place are going to announce generation VIII, which means people are going to want me to TALK about it, and I’m going to need to save up for a bloody Nintendo Switch, and- Y’know what, let’s just do Turtonator; I feel like blowing something up.
Today’s Pokémon is something of a dark horse contender for most adorable Pokémon of generation VII. Sure, it’s so ugly that it turns the old cliché “if looks could kill” into a grim reality, but it just wants to be loved, and the well-meaning adage “be yourself” has led it to one too many tragedies. Horrifying as it is at first glance, it’s hard not to sympathise with it once you learn the trials and tribulations that plague Mimikyu: the Disguise Pokémon.