creamCloud asks:

Something that i’ve noticed recently is that despite pikachu being technically weaker than all the other pika-clones in later generations [BST 320 as opposed to the others floating somewhere around 400-430, raichu 485 for reference] functionally it’s better due to having more toys to play with: a larger base movepool and various event moves, light orb and other unique items, eviolite, ect… and while some do have their own unique traits still get overshadowed by the original, So my question is this: what would you give the other pika-clones that would allow each to stand out in it’s own way? such as an evolution, signature move or item, higher stats, new ability?

Well… I’m not gonna design evolutions for half a dozen Pokémon right here, but maybe there are some things we can sketch out here.

I actually did put together rough ideas for evolutions for Plusle, Minun and Pachirisu as part of the “top 10 worst Pokémon ever” series I did way back in 2012; you can find that here:  I’m pretty lukewarm on the actual details of these now, but I think the basic ideas (other than just “evolve them to justify much higher stats”) were sound: buff the Plus and Minus abilities to emphasise Plusle and Minun’s teamwork ideal, and give Pachirisu a lot more trickery- and theft-themed moves to go with its cleverness and collection themes.  I was also grudgingly convinced to do the same thing for Dedenne when I reviewed the Kalos generation:  Here, the main thing I wanted was for Dedenne to have a powerful signature move to make up for its lack of any decent Fairy attacks (this obviated to some extent in Sword and Shield with the addition of Dazzling Gleam to its movepool, but… well, Dedenne could still use a bit more oomph).  I think the important thing is to emphasise what makes each Pokémon interesting (to the extent that there, uh… is anything interesting about them).

Continue reading “creamCloud asks:”

Anonymous asks:

If you could give any Pokemon a Mega Evolution, which would you choose?

I have a sort of rationale for this, which I outline here… basically I think mega evolutions should go to Pokémon 1) who are weak primarily because their stats are low, and 2) are unlikely ever to receive a conventional evolution.  Suggestions I put forward there are Ledian, Bibarel, Delcatty, and Plusle and Minun (disclaimer: I avoid spoilers on new Pokémon games, so if one or more of those Pokémon is getting a mega evolution in Sun and Moon, I don’t know and I don’t want to).  We could also add, perhaps, Seaking to that list, for most of the same reasons, and maybe Zangoose and Seviper (whose base stats are high enough that they seem unlikely to ever get regular evolutions, but not high enough for them to actually do anything).

Rockcutter64 asks:

If you could give any three pokémon mega evolutions, which would you choose?

I suppose ones who need it.  The main benefit to mega evolution is the huge pile of stat bonuses that gets heaped on top of you, so ideally you want to be giving them to a Pokémon who a) mainly suffers from a low base stat total, and b) is an unlikely candidate to ever receive a conventional evolution.  So, for instance, Klinklang is a poor choice because Klinklang’s problem is having a minuscule skill set, not lacking the raw power to use that skill set, while Dunsparce is a poor choice because, as a one-stage Pokémon with lower base stats than Sneasel, Gligar and Tangela, there is still plenty of room to just evolve him.  There are better answers than mega evolution to their problems.  

So which ones do I think would be the best choices…?  Hmm… Scanning down the list of Pokémon in the same general area as Beedrill (the Pokémon with the lowest base stat total to be given a mega evolution so far)… well, I think Ledian, with her interesting and diverse offence/support movepool and total lack of the kind of power necessary to back it up, is a natural choice; Bibarel has a unique type combination and interesting abilities, but they just don’t compensate for the fact that Bibarel sucks all around; and… let’s say Delcatty; Delcatty has a ridiculous movepool that she’s incapable of using, and we have a built-in excuse to rework Normalise into something actually decent while we’re there.   I’m also going to break all of my rules and offer Plusle and Minun, because there you could do something interesting with their teamwork theme by allowing them both to mega evolve off of a single mega stone if you use them together in a double battle (I mean, let’s be honest, they’ll probably still suck but at least it’s interesting).

Anonymous asks:

Couldn’t gamefreak have simply taken volbeat/ilumise and plusle/minun and mashed them into a single pair of designs? They would have then had a pair of firefly pokemon with a relatively exclusive type combination, unique breeding mechanics, and a whole teamwork thing going on, backed up by the plus/minus thing. This would have been objectively interesting, and also not have ripped off pikachu.

And make ‘em Bug/Electric, you mean?  Hmm.  Yeah, I think quite like that, actually.  The cliché that “opposites attract” would tie Volbeat and Illumise’s romance theme together with their new Electricity powers quite nicely.  I think the problem is that Game Freak considered ripping off Pikachu to be a virtue of Plusle and Minun rather than a fault.  Which… y’know, is not really a position I can understand, but clearly it’s important to them since they keep bloody doing it.

Let’s talk about angry comments!

So, about five months ago, someone apparently wrote a very angry and disjointed rant in the comments section of one of my old entries (this one, about Plusle, Minun and Pachirisu) which I never actually noticed at the time.  I’m not sure what exactly I was busy with five months ago that would have occupied my attention to such a degree, but I tend not to prioritise responding to comments on entries that are almost two years old.  I doubt this person ever returned to check for a reply anyway, so it’s no great loss.  Also, I honestly think it wasn’t really directed at me (it says, at the beginning, “I wrote this rant a while ago,” but that would imply that this was something the writer had actually put thought into, which is perhaps even worse), and strongly doubt the author actually read the whole entry.  I wrote a reply for posterity’s sake, and that would be that, except that Jim the Editor found the original comment so hilarious he convinced me to post it here and rebut it in detail – which, come to think of it, is a good opportunity to reflect upon what I value in Pokémon designs and why, in preparation for when I have to discuss all of the X and Y generation.  So, here we go…


I wrote this rant a while ago, I’ll just post it here… :<

I’ll start out by saying that Plusle and Minun are both equally my favorite pokemon! :la: I do love them both for their reasons, though. I’ve seen and heard a lot of people say really bad things about these two, calling them pikachu look-alikes. That’s the first topic I’ll cover.

Face the facts, there will be some sort of electric rodent every generation, and just because Pikachu was the first doesn’t mean every other is copying it.If you dismiss pokemon like that, you’d be being awfully close-minded… :< The electric rodents in these generations look like the rodents they’re based off of, not Pikachu. Pokemon like Pachirisu, Emolga, Pichu and Plusle and Minun is what they call that. Yes, electric rodents have cheek patches that store electricity, it’s not trying to capture that pikachu feel all over again. That’s just how electric rodents work! Plusle and Minun don’t even look all that much like Pikachu, and if you think all of these electric rodents do then you’re sticking with the ‘if it has long ears and cheek patches it’s a pikachu twin’ thing. Honestly, Plusle and Minun, like every other electric rodent besides emolga, have that. Their bodes have different structure than Pikachu! They’re alot more rounded! In fact, they look way more like bunnies than mice!


[This person evidently didn’t realise that Disqus comments can’t deal with html tags, and never bothered to check after posting.  Either that or they are stylistic and supposed to add to the amateurish impression of the piece.]

If they were standing up it would be the exact same anatomy! Also, that’s more of why you shouldn’t dismiss them so quickly as lame or useless pokemon and not why I like them so much. These pokemon are what I like to call sister pokemon, that’s what makes them so special! These two were literally made for each other, and still 2 completely different pokemon! I just can’t get over that fact. I love them so much. There is probably only one more pair of pokemon in existence like that(That I don’t know the name of). That’s something very special! Yet there are haters that cling to the fact that they are electric rodents, and try to think that they’re trying to be new pikachus. It’s plus and minus, more like a pikachu town in half into two amazing twinsies! The red and blue scheme they have is even more amazing. I’ve never seen that! These two are opposites whom attract, just like twins. But less on personalities, let’s talk about their design… Red and blue are opposite colors so it goes perfectly, but again, that’s not why I love them the way I do. It’s the whole theme of interspecies teamwork that really makes me love these pokemon. The fact that they work together endlessly in the anime, that they depend on one another and remain loyal and helpful to each other that is natural for them as a species… In the anime, they were depicted this way, and in the games too! I have never seen that theme anywhere, of interspecies teamwork and just the two red and blue pokemon being meant for each other. No other pokemon are like that in all honesty, besides maybe a few that aren’t made so closely the way they are. That whole theme of friendship is just beautiful! These two are insanely adorable too!

I think now I’ll talk about how I feel about the other rodents so you don’t make any assumptions. Even though they don’t have as much of a deep and very special meaning like plusle and minun do, I still love pokemon like that. Marill looks nothing at all like pikachu except the cheek patches.[img][/img]


[img][/img] The fact that people even ever thought that proves that this pokemon fandom is prone to judging a pokemon so insanely easily. I also love pichu. Pichu basically is pikachu, stop complaining! Pichu is Pikachu’s unevolved form guys. It’s like complaining that Plusle and Minun looking alike just means one of them shouldn’t exist. [b]NO!![/b]


As you’d guess, because I admire these twinsies for what I do, I really don’t like when people try and combine them two into a single pokemon like Minusle. I hate that!! And when they try to add more like Equalla. [img][/img]

[b][i][size=150]^HATE SO MUCH!![/size][/i][/color][/b] That completely removes what I love about them so much, and what separates the pair from any other pokemon out there. It’s proving the bad things they say about these two true… ;u; I suppose they may be weak pokemon, but base stats don’t define pokemon. They define how they do in battle, but not the pokemon. It’s like saying a rather weaker physically compact person is less than someone who’s buff and capable. That’s why I still like pokemon like magikarp and unown. People hate these pokemon for not having strong abilities and basically being useless in battle and games, but that doesn’t make them less or worthless pokemon. They’re still creatures, or at least I think of pokemon like creatures and animals and less like a game mechanic or an object like people who say that do. The ‘less’ pokemon unown has very, very poweful roles in the anime. In one of the first movies they could control time and space… Plusle and Minun also have been in many episodes! Don’t dismiss the two pokemon as nothing but additions to show off the double battle feature, either. Don’t be so close minded!! In the anime they had several episodes that revolved all around them. If you’d dismiss a pokemon with this kind of special theme as just being a novelty pokemon, then that proves again how quick the pokemon fandom can be in shoving pokemon! (In a general sense, not saying that everyone part of the fandom is like that..)

But anyways, that’s why I think plusle and minun are more than just weak when separated. I love them both, even when separated, but perfer them together, not because they’re stronger, but because they’re a [b][i]team[/i][/b].

I’m not finished yet, far from it in fact, so I’ll be adding more about everything I love about plusle and minun later! There’s alot!

Again, this is more for a rant, and just me jotting down why I care about them alot, but feel free to say something in return if you think they shouldn’t be loved… ;w;

Honestly, I love these two like the world…

[Here the author pauses for breath before posting a second comment.  In spite of the earlier assertion that “there’s alot”  more to add, the second comment is far shorter and contains few new points.]

Also, if you’ve watched any of the many anime shows they actually have been in they fight. ALOT. Really good. With trainer help. .-. Try to know more about pokemon besides their pokedex entries before bashing them around like that, especially plusle and minun…

I’ll also say that pokemon are animals. They’re monsters to us, but they’re basically the animals of their world. There are rodents that are alike… Rats and mice don’t copy off of each other… x3 Just like no pokemon copies off of one another. They’re based off real animals… That should make it clear enough?

You… You just hate everything don’t you? xD If it’s a cute cutie pokemon, you hate it. I’m sorry you think like that. It’s really sad. Maybe you shouldn’t be so angry at so many of the pokemon. It really doesn’t make anyone feel better when you’re mad. And yeah, hate comes from anger, so you’re mad.

Also, if you’re trying to argue these are bad then you’re doing an awful job because I’m no where near convinced. :3 These are all just opinions, and if you’re bash your opinions around like this you should keep them to yourself. These are sweeties that people love and there’s nothing you can do about it! -w-“


Probably the most entertaining part of all this is how long it takes before the author suddenly realises that I am, in fact, a monster who cannot be reasoned with.  Everything in that paragraph is, of course, completely true.  I instantly despise all cute Pokémon the moment I lay eyes on them and cannot bear the thought of anyone taking pleasure in anything so sickening.  This is a serious problem for me in my day-to-day life because, as we know from the words of Jedi Grand Master Yoda, anger leads to hate.  I am consumed by boiling rage every minute of every day, which often leads me to lash out against innocent bystanders with whatever brutal improvised weapons I can seize.  My friends will attest that this has placed serious strain on my personal relationships, excepting of course those with other sociopaths.  Luckily, this comment’s insight has caused me to have an epiphany, and I am finally seeking the psychological help I so badly need to become a functioning memb-

BAHAHAHAHA sorry; I just couldn’t get through that part with a straight face.  Why would I try to be a less hateful person when I can just drag everyone else down with me into my bleak, horrible pit of loathing and despair and feed on their tears for the rest of time?


I think the only thing I really, genuinely find offensive about these comments is the seemingly innocuous assertion, near the beginning, that I am dismissing Plusle and Minun.  It seems to me that I actually spent a good deal more time thinking and talking about Plusle and Minun for the sake of that article than their valiant defender here did, and offered a number of suggestions for fixing what I, if no-one else, perceived to be problems with them, in spite of my own conviction of their illegitimacy.  This is, and I must be blunt here, unequivocally not dismissal.  I know what dismissal looks like; it’s what this comment is trying to do to me.  However, there are in fact two important and worthwhile points in here, even disguised as they are by the author’s questionable spelling, punctuation, sentence structure, vocabulary and logic.  While obviously I disagree with these, I think they represent legitimate concerns about the sort of thing I do when I review Pokémon, and so I would like to draw them out to a more readily comprehensible form and respond to them.

The first, in essence, is an argument that having more electric rodents every generation is not bad.  Part of what the writer is saying here seems to be drawn from a delusion that electric rodents are a real-world phenomenon, as expressed here: “Yes, electric rodents have cheek patches that store electricity, it’s not trying to capture that pikachu feel all over again. That’s just how electric rodents work!”  The fact that “electric rodent” is even a recognisable trope in Pokémon design at all is due to Pikachu’s success; I don’t think there’s any point trying to deny it, nor do I see any merit in pointing out that Pikachu is a mouse while Plusle and Minun are rabbits when (and I did make a similar point in the original article) Pikachu himself looks as much like a rabbit as a mouse anyway.  As I said, though, there is a legitimate point here: the suggestion that having multiple very similar Pokémon is not a bad thing.  I believe that it’s lazy and shows an inability to prioritise, but it can be said, fairly, that the real world works like this too – there are many different kinds of mice, and many different kinds of rabbits, and many different kinds of squirrels, and so on and so forth for any other animal you care to name.  The electric rodents possess a unique ability to draw my vitriol because they are unsatisfied with simply being based on similar animals and must also have the same elemental powers, the same distinguishing design feature (the cheek pouches), the same general battle strengths, and even similar colour schemes (with the notable exception of Pachirisu).  That, quite simply, is recycling an idea because it worked so well the first time.  It is, in fact, entirely possible to do Pokémon based on the same animal in very different ways.  Take, for instance, Blastoise and Torterra: both tortoises, one a Water-type with literal cannons on his back, the other a Grass-type who draws on the mythological ‘world tortoise’ motif.  Try Politoed and Toxicroak: both frogs, one an indolent Water-type with sonic powers related to a frog’s croaking, the other a Fighting-type with poisonous skin like an Amazonian poison arrow frog.  Or perhaps Tentacruel and Jellicent?  Both jellyfish, both dangerous Water-types, one a vicious marauder, the other a cold, enigmatic stealer of souls.  Hopefully I may be excused for thinking that “that’s just how electric rodents work” is an extraordinarily uninspired line of thinking.

Electric rodents are hardly the only class I complain about, though – I also like to bitch about the Normal-type rodents, the generic birds, and really anything else that I see as derivative of an earlier design.  I’ll have more to say on this when I talk about Diggersby and Talonflame, but my general stance is this: why, when you already have multiple Pokémon which are based on small, common birds and have wind powers, would you add another Pokémon which is based on a small, common bird and has wind powers when you could instead add, say, a Pokémon based on a cassowary that has earth powers, or a Pokémon based on a hummingbird that has electric powers, or a Pokémon based on a quetzal that has plant powers, or any other permutation of the many very different and quirky kinds of bird out there that Pokémon has never covered?  The world has lots of animals that are similar, sure, but it also has lots of animals that are completely different, and one of Pokémon’s great strengths is in its capacity to capture that variety.  But hey, why spend time and effort playing to that strength when you can just rehash the same idea every generation?

Before we get to the author’s second worthwhile point, I need to talk about some of the nonsense in here first, as well as some things that (apparently unbeknownst to this person who, again, probably did not read the original article) I actually agree with.  The suggestion that Plusle and Minun have an interesting design focus in the theme of teamwork and co-operation, for instance, is entirely fair (most of my ideas for potential evolutions of Plusle and Minun are based heavily on this idea).  The comment that “I have never seen that theme anywhere, of interspecies teamwork” on the other hand, is astonishingly oblivious because interspecies teamwork is a central theme of the entire Pokémon franchise.  Furthermore, Plusle and Minun aren’t even a very good example of it, as it’s sort of questionable whether we are meant to understand them as being different species – personally, I wouldn’t, but then Pokémon has always been extremely hazy on what constitutes a “species” (I’m pretty sure in Pokémon a juvenile and an adult are considered different species, which is a little weird) so I suppose that one can slip by.  There also seems to be a very insistent belief in there that Plusle and Minun are unique in being ‘paired’ Pokémon designed to complement each other – in that respect they are, of course, not even unique within their own generation (Volbeat and Illumise, anyone?).  The similarly oblivious “the red and blue scheme they have is even more amazing. I’ve never seen that!” is even more bizarre, since red and blue are extremely common colours for ‘opposite’ characters, as we can in fact see in Throh and Sawk, and are even standard colours in science textbooks for illustrating the poles of magnets, which is precisely why they appear in Plusle and Minun’s colour scheme.  The irritation at people who try to add extra members to the Plusle/Minun family, like Dividi, Multiko and Equala, I can get behind (although notice I say “irritation,” and not “[b][i][size=150]^HATE SO MUCH!![/size][/i][/color][/b]” – after all, no internet argument is complete without a dash of hypocrisy), because it misinterprets the + and – signs in their designs as mathematical operators when they in fact represent electric charge (appropriately, for Electric-types) – although I wonder whether similar spleen would be justified against, say, Neutri here, who is based on charge neutrality.

The other really interesting idea in here (there are two lines of argument, but I think they’re closely related), is that being weak doesn’t make a Pokémon bad, and that you can see in the anime how powerful Plusle and Minun really are.  Fair enough.  I agree completely.  That doesn’t excuse the fact that they’re terrible in the games.  Another central theme of Pokémon is that all Pokémon can be powerful, in their own way, if trained with love and care.  The fact that this isn’t actually true is a failure of the way the games work, not of the individual Pokémon themselves.  The set of weaknesses, resistances, attacks, abilities and stats a Pokémon has are an expression of what that Pokémon is about (something I want to talk about in more detail in another upcoming article), just like its art, its Pokédex entries, and its anime characterisation.  If a Pokémon like Bibarel were actually, say, a Ninjask-fast special attacker with electrical powers and access to Hi-Jump Kick, that would be a failure of the game mechanics to express what Bibarel is about (even if the result were actually very powerful!).  To take a real example, when Darmanitan is given an ability which expresses the unique nature of the powers described by his design but is ultimately inferior to his more standard options and actually detrimental in the vast majority of cases, that is a failure of the game mechanics to express what Darmanitan is about.  When a Pokémon like Plusle or Minun has appalling stats, a unique but incredibly situational ability and a narrow movepool, to the extent that it can’t actually do anything useful, that too is a failure of the game mechanics to express what Plusle and Minun are about – more specifically, they’re about teamwork, particularly in double battles, but there are dozens of Pokémon who do teamwork better in both double and single battle contexts (Pokémon with weather-influencing abilities, for example).  This is the whole reason I spent a chunk of every “Top Ten Worst Pokémon Ever” entry trying to come up with ways to make them mechanically better while still expressing what those Pokémon were supposed to be good at.  It’s not their fault they’re bad (they’re fictional beings who had no hand in their own creation); it’s the game’s fault – but where we locate the blame doesn’t stop it from being true, or from being a problem.

Was this strange individual just trying to troll me?  Perhaps.  I don’t think so; the flaws in the argumentation seem too bizarre, too random, too haphazard to be intentional and stylistic.  However, the internet has produced some trolls of remarkable proficiency in its lifespan, and at the highest levels of skill there is no sure way to tell.  Does it really matter though?  I feel like I got a lot out of it.  I had an odd but invigorating opportunity to talk about design philosophy and why I judge certain Pokémon the way I do, which is kind of important given the next big project looming on my horizons – and I feel pretty good about that.

I don’t feed the trolls.  The trolls feed me.

The Top Ten Worst Pokemon Ever, #6: Plusle, Minun and Pachirisu

This isn’t fair.
I already did these ones.  I did them while I was talking about Emolga.  It isn’t FAIR, damnit!
…ladies and gentlemen; Plusle, Minun and Pachirisu.
Just for clarification, these three aren’t part of an evolutionary family.  Plusle and Minun seem to be different forms of one species, and Pachirisu is completely separate and wasn’t even introduced in the same game.  Plusle and Minun probably deserve to be a bit lower on the list and Pachirisu probably deserves to be a bit higher, but I’ve lumped them together because I hate all of them for the same reasons, namely: a) they’re increasingly annoying rehashes of Pikachu, and b) they suck.
What, you need more?
Pikachu’s pudgy yellow face is the emblem of the absurdly successful Pokémon franchise and is widely recognised even by people who barely know what a Pokémon is.  He has almost certainly made Nintendo more money than any other single Pokémon, and he can be summed up as “cute rodent with electrical cheek pouches,” so the obvious thing to do was make more cute rodents with electrical cheek pouches, right?  So obvious, in fact, that Plusle and Minun barely seem to be a different species from Pikachu at all.  I think they’re supposed to be based on rabbits, while Pikachu is traditionally described as a mouse, but all three are depicted so stylistically that that they ‘meet in the middle,’ so to speak.  Plusle and Minun are distinct from Pikachu in that they are frightfully unsuited to combat; instead they dedicate themselves to encouraging their partners (Plusle and Minun were released in Ruby and Sapphire, the generation that introduced the concept of double battles, and are shamelessly dedicated to promoting the new battle format).  There’s no word on how this would work outside of the context of a team of Pokémon under the command of a trainer – what do Plusle and Minun do in the wild when they’re attacked?  Pair up and cheer for each other?  In fact this is exactly what happens when you face pairs of trainers with Plusle and Minun in Ruby and Sapphire – they stand there and cast Helping Hand on each other, but neither of them actually does anything.  As for Pachirisu… her squirrel design, I think, represents at least an effort to distance her from the older Pokémon, and her habit of gathering loose fur into electrically-charged balls and keeping them amongst the berries she stores in her nest (presumably as a deterrent to thieves like Rattata) is, admittedly, a clever way of linking the squirrel concept to her Electric element.  As admirable as the attempt is, though, it’s missing the point; Pachirisu still isn’t a new idea, but an old one that they’ve dressed up.
As far as battle goes, Plusle and Minun can be treated as exactly the same Pokémon.  Minun is slightly tougher and Plusle slightly more powerful, but the differences are small and their movepools are almost identical.  You can actually attack with Plusle and Minun, using the decent coverage provided by Electric attacks alongside Grass Knot and the power boost offered by Nasty Plot, but they’re so comprehensively outclassed by Raichu, who has Focus Blast and superior stats in every area, that it just stops being funny.  What Raichu can’t do is use Baton Pass.  Plusle and Minun can’t make very effective use of Nasty Plot (or, for that matter, Agility) but I’m sure there’s another Pokémon on your team that would love to have one of those effects passed to it.  Again, if you really want to set up another Pokémon in this way, it’s hard to understand why you wouldn’t use a Pokémon that’s independently competent, like Ambipom or Mr. Mime (yes, I just called Mr. Mime “competent;” that’s what happens when you spend a couple of weeks thinking about the worst Pokémon in the game).  Their passive abilities, Plus and Minus, are just painful.  Pokémon with Plus and Minus give each other special attack bonuses in double battles, which was incredibly awkward when Plusle and Minun were the only Pokémon who had them.  In Black and White, many additional Pokémon gain these abilities through the Dream World and you can get the bonuses by using two Pokémon with the same ability; it no longer has to be one of each.  However, all of them are weak to Earthquake, which is popular in double battles because it can hit both opponents at once.  Any doubles strategy that relies on using two Pokémon together who are both weak to Ground attacks is… inadvisable.
Plusle and Minun are bad, but Pachirisu is a whole new level of stupidity.  She’s quite fast and has decent special defence, but the good news ends there.  Although Pachirisu does, strictly speaking, learn attacks, you are likely to do more damage by simply picking her up and throwing her, so I would not advise actually using them, with two exceptions.  The first is Super Fang, which slices a Pokémon’s remaining HP in half, no questions asked, and was once exclusive to Raticate, Pachirisu and Bibarel.  Watching Pachirisu go for an unsuspecting Pokémon’s throat with Super Fang was amusing until Heart Gold and Soul Silver handed out the attack to all and sundry via a move tutor.  Now it’s just sad, but she should keep using it anyway because it’s the best she’s got.  The other exception is Volt Switch, and you should use that not because Pachirisu is likely to hurt anything with it but because it will let her switch out after doing damage.  With careful use of this technique, you may be able to get through a match without Pachirisu suffering a horrendously painful death, and that, let’s be fair here, is the best you can hope for.  The other moves Pachirisu should use are Thunder Wave and Light Screen.  These moves are not particularly useful to her, but they are comparatively unlikely to get her killed.

Avanii's ( less stylistic depiction of Plusle and Minun looked odd to me at first - they're almost catlike, don't you think? - but I'm beginning to like it more and more.

The main problem I face in trying to ‘fix’ these three Pokémon is that I don’t honestly believe they should be fixed.  Their entire concepts are flawed from the ground up and making them worthwhile seems an insurmountable task.
Challenge accepted.
To start with, I’m declaring that Plusle and Minun survive in the wild by forming symbiotic relationships with larger, tougher Pokémon.  They typically pair up with Pokémon that are strong physically but cannot jump or climb, often ones with poor eyesight, and use their agility and keener senses to help the larger Pokémon find food and avoid danger.  In fights, they cast showers of sparks at enemies to slow them down, disrupt their attacks and make them easier to target.  Plusle seek out slow, bulky partners like Sudowoodo or Donphan and use their superior senses and quick, accurate Thunderbolts to thin out groups of small predators, while Minun prefer more aggressive partners such as Breloom or Absol and focus on creating electric fields to protect them from strong attacks.  When a Plusle and a Minun meet in the wild, they often encourage their partners to become friends as well, which can lead to some… unusual groups of companions.  Older Plusle and Minun whose partners have no offspring often ‘adopt’ young, weak Pokémon of other species, so that they will one day grow into strong partners for their own offspring.  I bring this up out of a vague terror that I have no choice to evolve these two, and in my desperation for an idea that will avoid turning them into Raichu 2.0, I am tempted to ditch the electric mouse thing (or rabbit, or whatever generic rodent they’re supposed to be) and evolve them into electric kangaroos with a nurturing, maternal streak; as long as we keep our focus on the partnership theme and make sure they stay light and agile, we should be able to avoid stepping on Kangaskhan’s toes too much.  They probably need a few extra goodies in their movepools… let’s see, Minun deserves Reflect and maybe Amnesia so he can buff your defences more effectively; Plusle can have Work Up so she can help your mixed attackers shine and… let’s say Taunt so she can lock down support Pokémon.  To finish off, Plus and Minus need to be… y’know, useful.  In a double battle, Plus adds about 10% of Plusle’s special attack and speed to her partner’s, while Minus does the same for Minun’s defence and special defence (note to self: make sure Minun’s evolution has a physical defence score that doesn’t suck).  What’s more, those same bonuses are added to any Pokémon Plusle or Minun Baton Passes to, absolutely free!  They can buff their allies with Baton Pass even if they don’t have a spare turn to use Nasty Plot or something, and your team will love them for it.
There!  I did it!  I-
…oh, gods, Pachirisu’s still there, isn’t she?

Okay, even I have to admit that Fusiana's ( Pachirisu is pretty badass.We know she’s a hoarder; that normally implies a good memory and possibly intelligence (likewise my theory that those balls of charged fur are a trap for Pokémon trying to nick her stuff).  Going with that idea, I think I want Pachirisu to evolve into a kleptomaniac squirrel, maybe an Electric/Dark dual-type: change her colour scheme, but maybe keep the general ‘cute’ aesthetic because I imagine her gazing up at you adorably when you catch her stealing things.  These Pokémon have lived around humans for centuries, and although they are notorious as spies and pickpockets their presence is tolerated because they make useful errand-runners, and are highly proficient cleaners thanks to their bushy tails (historically they were best-known as chimneysweeps – I’m looking for an “1800’s English street urchin” feel, but trying to avoid being too blatant about it).  They mainly steal food but have also developed a liking in modern times for portable electronics and batteries, which they hide in nests scattered all around their territory.  It’s normally impossible to find all of one’s hiding places without capturing her and getting her to lead you to them.  Super Fang already makes Pachirisu a nightmare for defensive Pokémon, so we may as well play to that and give her Taunt.  How useful Torment, Snatch and Switcheroo would be for her is debateable, but let’s toss them in anyway (and, of course, she’ll need Thief for thematic reasons).  Also, for some reason Pachirisu doesn’t get Wish; she’s heavily defence-oriented and needs to be able to heal herself, and there’s no reason she shouldn’t have it, so let’s add that.  Lastly, her current abilities, Run Away and Pickup, actually have no in-battle effects at all.  I can’t think of anything to do with Pickup at the moment, but it makes sense that Run Away should allow Pachirisu (and the other Pokémon that have it) to escape from trapping techniques like Mean Look or Fire Spin, instead of only allowing them to escape from wild Pokémon without fail.

There; victory is mine!
I am never looking at any of these Pokémon again.
EDIT: I must have forgotten when I wrote this that Black and White did actually add an in-battle effect to the Pickup ability: if Pachirisu’s opponent uses a consumable item like a berry, she’ll run and snatch it (or a copy of it, or something)  for herself, assuming she isn’t holding an item already.  Can you say “absurdly situational”?