AndrewQ asks:

Choose 6 human-Pokemon pairs from the anime and pit them in a Hunger Games-style battle set in a map that is 1/3 Ilex Forest, 1/3 Dark Tunnel, and 1/3 Whirl Islands. Who will win?

Okay I don’t quite know what “Hunger Games-style” implies because I have only the vaguest familiarity with the series, but let’s see what we can do.

Ash and Pikachu – the crowd favourites.  Resourceful, determined, and utterly devoted to one another, but also rash and liable to rush into situations where they are simply outclassed in power.

Jessie and Meowth – an unusual pair, in that the human is easily the more dangerous combatant of the two.  Would probably lose in a fair fight against most of the other competitors, but willing to lie, cheat and steal in any measure to achieve victory.

Tracey and Venonat – know exactly where everyone is at all times, allowing them to fight when and where they choose.  They’ll need that advantage, because they’re one of the weaker teams in raw power.

N – a popular dark horse contender.  N doesn’t have a partner, but he can rally the local Pokémon to his side, making him versatile and, if left alone for too long, extremely dangerous.

Sabrina and Kadabra – cold, ruthless and terrifying.  Kadabra is one of the strongest players in this game, and Sabrina’s own psychic powers are nothing to be trifled with either.  However, they’re overconfident, slow to react to threats, and likely to toy with opponents they feel they could destroy outright.

Iris and Dragonite – the heaviest hitters by far.  Dragonite is capable of straight-up murdering just about anything one-on-one, and Iris, despite her youth, is a pretty solid fighter by human standards.  Dragonite’s overconfidence is their biggest weakness.

Iris’ Dragonite immediately opens the game by burning down a good chunk of the forest in order to assert his superiority, destroying the unfortunate Tracey and Venonat in the process, then sits himself right in the middle of the resulting ash field and roars a challenge to all comers.  Meowth quickly and correctly identifies Dragonite as the biggest threat, and convinces all three of the other remaining teams to ally temporarily with him and Jessie in order to take Dragonite down.  Both Meowth and Sabrina intend to backstab everyone else the moment it looks like Dragonite is about to lose.  Meowth and Jessie consider Ash and Pikachu the biggest threat and start with them; Sabrina (perhaps more sensibly) targets N first.  N sees it coming.  Ash (being Ash) doesn’t.  Dragonite, in a last-ditch effort to salvage this clusterf#$%, lays waste to a huge swathe of N’s army of wild Pokémon with Flamethrower and Dragon Rush.  N realises things are going south, and retreats to the Whirl Islands area.  Sabrina and Kadabra finish off Dragonite, but Iris escapes into what’s left of the forest.  Sabrina threatens Jessie and Meowth with transformation into hula dolls, then sends them after N.  Iris employs a hit-and-run strategy to confuse and infuriate Sabrina and Kadabra, and ultimately manages to collapse a tree on top of them, but Sabrina uses her dying breath to curse Iris and turn her into a Mr. Potato Head.  Finally, in the Whirl Islands, Meowth and N are both talking to the wild Pokémon and trying to gather forces.  N’s message of peace and hope is more widely persuasive, but Meowth manages to slip a few spies into N’s camp, leading to his assassination and the dissolution of his army.

Victor: Jessie and Meowth!

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