Pokémaniacal

Design-wise, you’ve always seemed quite fond of magcargo. More than once you’ve praised it for having a unique and interesting design that diverges from the standard “animal on fire.” But I think we can all agree that in terms of usage, magcargo is absolute trash. Gen 2 screwed it over terribly with horrible typing and quite unimpressive stats, and the later generations did nothing at all to help it. So, if you were in charge, what exactly would you do to save magcargo?

Oh, Magcargo. I’m fond of him because the idea of a snail made of lava with a shell made of cooling rock just makes sense on a level that, say, a lizard with a fiery tail or a horse with a fiery mane doesn’t – it takes a snail’s pliable body and rigid shell, and applies that to the Fire element in a way that recalls the formation of a crust of solid rock on the surface of a lava flow. But yeah, Magcargo is terrible in so many ways. Double weaknesses to Ground and Water make it impossible for Magcargo to be a top-notch defensive Pokémon, and awful speed and average special attack make it impossible for him to be anything else. I think it would be thematically appropriate, and helpful, for Magcargo to have an ability that absorbs Water attacks and turns them into a physical defence bonus to represent the hardening of his lava skin into rock (instead of f#$%ing immunity to freezing, which is what he’s got now). That just makes Magcargo less obviously awful though. Without evolving to jack up those depressing stats there’s only so much we can do; at the moment he’s so slow even Shell Smash doesn’t make him a very good attacker. The nonexistence of special Rock attacks is also a big stumbling block. But Magcargo actually gets Yawn, Recover, Reflect and Light Screen, Will’o’Wisp, Stealth Rock… given halfway decent HP and special defence, and a strong ability, it seems like there would be plenty there for a more tanky-supporty role.

Lumiose City

Lavoisier: [on holo-caster] I’m telling you, your human’s famous! I keep seeing his picture around the city! I tried to show the Professor but he just kinda shook his head and made a clicking noise.
Ruby: What are you wittering about? What on earth would this idiot be famous for?
Daku: Certainly not his understanding of team composition or moveset structure…
Spruce: Maybe it’s for his cooking? That’s pretty good.
Fisher: Indeed; it will almost be a shame to have to return to the stolid fare of the temple kitchens when my travels with this group are done.
Ruby: …well, all right, I admit he’s not useless, but a cinnamon Poké-puff is hardly grounds for serious publicity.
Lavoisier: I think you’re just jealous that your human is more well-known than you are.
Ruby: Wh-!? You-! I am known and feared throughout the land as the mightiest sorceress who ever lived! He is a half-witted, defenceless newborn whose presence is somehow required to keep me from being considered “a menace to society” or “an unstable maniac” or “oh god please stop setting fire to things”!
Lavoisier: Well, he’s the one with his face on posters saying “WANTED” all over Lumiose City.
Ruby: …what did you just say?
Lavoisier: The posters. They have the human word “WANTED” on them. Like, they want him around. They miss him!
???: CITIZENS ENTERING LUMIOSE CITY LIMITS. HALT AND IDENTIFY.
Ruby: …$#!t. Uh, I’ll call you back, Lavoisier. MINIONS! Hide the human!
Martial: Hide him? How?
Ruby: I don’t know! Dig a hole, or put a paper bag over his head or something!
Magneton: HALT AND IDENTIFY.
Fisher: I can call upon the shadows of the Dome to conceal him!
Ruby: Which one is the Dome? Is that the evil one?
Fisher: Actually, my lady, I have come to believe that is a matter of great theological nuance, and-
Ruby: Oh, shut up; you’ll probably just suck out his soul and turn him into a vegetable.
Magneton: REPEAT: CITIZENS ENTERING LUMIOSE CITY LIMITS. HALT AND IDENTIFY.
Ruby: Spruce! Sit on his head!
Spruce: What?
Ruby: Sit. On. His. Head!
Chris: What the-!? Hey; easy there, Spruce, what are you-?
Ruby: Cover his face with your wings!
Chris: -mrfllmmrrrmmrfff!
Ruby: …good enough!
Magneton: CITIZENS, IDENTIFY. YOU HAVE THIRTY SECONDS TO COMPLY OR THIS UNIT WILL BE AUTHORISED TO EMPLOY COERCIVE MEASURES.
Ruby: Right! You! Who are you to make such demands, and what do you want of me and my minions?
Magneton: I-DEN-TI-FY.
Ruby: I am Ruby the Delphox, fiery jewel among Pokémon, sorceress supreme! Perhaps you’ve heard of me?
Magneton: ERROR 48. YOUR STRING “fiery jewel among Pokémon, sorceress supreme” COULD NOT BE FOUND. IDENTIFY.
Daku: Is it your normal practice to question all who enter your city, good sir? I have not been here in some time, but I recall nothing of the sort on my last visit.
Ruby: [muttering] Oh, sure, the robot gets a ‘good sir’…
Magneton: ERROR 63. PROCEDURAL RESOLUTION COULD NOT BE READ. RESTARTING PROCESS 3-B-RED LOCKDOWN. BZZT. CITIZENS ENTERING LUMIOSE CITY LIMITS. HALT AND IDENTIFY.
Amaldos: If a man sits in a room with a dictionary that allows him to speak perfect Chinese and a vial of poisonous gas that will kill him if a sensor detects radiation, would a computer be able to distinguish him from a dead cat?
Magneton: BZZT. ERROR 102. CANNOT RESOLVE SYNTAX. BLEEEEEP-WEEP-BEEP. ERROR 81. EXISTENTIAL QUANDARY DETECTED. REROUTING THROUGH HINDBRAIN.
Amaldos: A hole in your bag will lighten your load. A hole in your mind may do the same.
Magneton: ERROR 0. ERROR NOT FOUND. Bzzzzzzzt-PING-FFFZZZZZZL [starts smoking].
Spruce: Uh… I… think you broke him.
???: Larry!
Ruby: Oh good; more new friends…
Heliolisk: Larry! What on earth-? [To Ruby] I’m sorry about this.
Magneton: ERROR. ERROR. ERROR.
Heliolisk: You’re fine, Larry. Execute routine Clemont-Phi-Thirteen.
Magneton: EXECUTING. BZZT-whistle-DING!
Heliolisk: Feeling better?
Magneton: AFFIRMATIVE. REQUEST STATUS.
Heliolisk: I’m good too, Larry; thanks. Why don’t you just wait here for a bit while I help these citizens, and then we’ll take you over to Magenta Plaza to supervise some of the rewiring?
Magneton: ACKNOWLEDGED.
Spruce: …is he always like this?
Heliolisk: Yeah, he’s been a bit out of sorts ever since he died and we put his brain in an old Magneton chassis.
Spruce: Oh, yeah, I guess that would- wait what?
Heliolisk: Sort an experiment on our human’s part. He used to be an Ampharos. Hmm. What… what sort of Pokémon are you, exactly?
Chris: Mrrffllmfff!
Spruce: Uh… I’m a… Facebird.
Heliolisk: A… Facebird.
Fisher: An extremely rare Humanshape species from the far distant land of Orre!
Heliolisk: I…see. Right. Well, again, I’m sorry about the business with Larry. We wouldn’t normally have controls like this, you see; it’s just that, with the recent trouble at the power plant, a good part of the city had to be locked down for a while, just to keep order. And then when the plant came back online yesterday there was a huge surge that knocked out several critical substations… It’s been a mess. We’re trying to keep a close watch on everyone entering and leaving the city, just for security reasons.
Daku: Sensibly enough. You serve your duty well, Heliolisk.
Heliolisk: …I should hope so. Now, I’ll just need to get your names, and then you can go on through.
Ruby: Very well, peasant. I am Ruby the Delphox, fiery jewel among Pokémon, sorceress supreme! Perhaps you’ve heard of me?
Heliolisk: …yes. Yes I have. [to Magneton] Larry, initiate routine Clemont-Alpha-Zero.
Magneton: EXECUTING. BREEEEEEEEEEP! RED ALERT! BREEEEEEEEEP! ALL AVAILABLE UNITS TO NORTHWEST GATE! EMERGENCY LOCKDOWN IN EFFECT! BREEEEEEEEEEP! RED ALERT!
Daku: What is this!? Stand down at once; I demand to speak to your commander!
Heliolisk: I am the high commander of Lumiose City’s Pokémon defenders, and all of you are under arrest on suspicion of involvement in multiple recent catastrophes, including the sabotage of the Lumiose Power Plant! Now, are you going to come quietly, or do we have to make this ugly?
Spruce: Well, um-
Martial: If legitimate civic authorities wish to detain us, we have no choice but to-
Ruby: BA-HAHAHAHAHAHA! Perhaps I didn’t make myself clear, lizard! You are speaking to the sorceress supreme! Prepare to feel the wrath of my awesome magical power!
Daku: For once, we are in agreement! I will not be imprisoned by some barely-UU petty officer!
Heliolisk: Oh goody. Larry! Combat pattern Clemont-Omega-Two! Let’s smoke these terrorists!