White 2 Playthrough Journal, episode 21: Deep blue sea

In comparison to the last six Gyms we’ve visited, the Humilau City Gym is an extremely laid-back place.  No one tries to blow me through a wall… or crush me between two giant statues… or wrap me in a silken coffin.  Jim and I are permitted to drift gracefully and calmly across Marlon’s huge indoor swimming pool, borne on huge lilypads, our reverie broken only by such trainers as we deign to battle.  If nothing else, Marlon at least knows how to treat his challengers with a bit of good, honest respect.  I quickly find, unsurprisingly, that my Sawsbuck, Bran, is going to be the star of this show, with a little backup from my Ampharos, Sansa.  Jim, likewise, has Ulfric the Serperior and his own Ampharos, Elisif, to cut a swath through the Gym.  Although they are admittedly quite strong, the Gym trainers fall very quickly to our onslaught of super-effective attacks.  We barely break a sweat on our way to Marlon.  He battles me first.  Bran, unsurprisingly, crushes the Carracosta Marlon opens with, and goes on to heal himself almost effortlessly by draining the great sack of HP that is Marlon’s Wailord with his Horn Leech.  Marlon’s partner Pokémon, Jellicent, proves to be made of sterner stuff, and I am forced to recall Bran when his Horn Leech attack is locked down by Cursed Body.  Now weakened, though, Jellicent is no match for Sansa’s Discharge.  Marlon congratulates me and hands over my Wave Badge before turning to Jim and saying that his Pokémon need time to “chill” before another match, “fo’ reals.”  How long?  Oh, a couple of days, maybe a week.  Apparently it is not proper for one to “rush the chillaxation, yo’,” as it is an important part of Marlon’s training regimen.  Or something.  Jim groans with exasperation, produces a bag of Revive crystals and Hyper Potions, and patches up Marlon’s three Pokémon before demanding a battle.  Marlon says something about “keepin’ it fo’ reezy” or… oh, who am I kidding?  I’d long since stopped paying attention by this point.  I settle down on a lilypad to watch Jim’s battle, which is even more of a walkover than mine was, Ulfric’s Coil technique boosting the power of his Leaf Blade to obscene levels and giving Marlon’s Water Pokémon no chance to respond.  Once defeated a second time, Marlon promptly backflips into the water and swims out of the Gym, presumably to go and ‘chill’ somewhere.

Hugh is delighted that we have earned our Wave Badges – only now, apparently, can we get on with our urgent business.  He dispatches me and Jim to check out route 22, west of Humilau City (which Jim, of course, never quite got around to) while he sweeps the southern areas.  At this point, Marlon shows up with an interjection.  He’s certainly easy enough to find when he wants to interfere… Marlon, unlike every other Gym Leader in the region, not only hasn’t even heard of Team Plasma but has no opinion on their actions one way or the other, because “the ocean accepts all rivers, brah.”  Jim points out, somewhat indignantly, that Team Plasma’s past actions, and indeed their entire raison d’être, are pretty much the exact antithesis of the philosophy Marlon seems to be pushing here.  The Gym Leader is unconcerned, and wanders off to return to whatever vaguely-specified activity he had been busy with earlier.

Jim and I head for route 22, a wilderness area with paths so convoluted it could hardly be more confusing if it had been designed as a maze.  We find no sign of Team Plasma as we search the area.  If their ship was here, it’s gone now.  I doubt it could have landed anyway; the terrain is so uneven that it would be just about impossible.  Just as we are about to give up and go back to Humilau City, though, we find something much more interesting: the legendary Pokémon Terrakion, waiting for us on a plateau.  Images flash inside my head: Cobalion, Terrakion and Virizion, together, a blade crashing down on the heads of our enemies.

“What are you waiting for?  Catch it.”

Colress is standing behind us.  He explains that, as far as he can tell, Terrakion wants to fight Team Plasma alongside Cobalion and Virizion, and is here to test us to see if we deserve his assistance.  I shrug and call out Jaime, my Samurott.  If this big ugly git wants a swordfight, we’ll give him one.  Terrakion has centuries of experience on Jaime, but Water-beats-Rock is a truism as old as the ocean itself.  Jaime’s Razor Shell brings Terrakion to his knees, and a barrage of Ultra Balls seals his fate.  I turn back to Jim and Colress.  Colress applauds enthusiastically, and declares that he has a reward for us – a prototype of the machine he used outside of Castelia City to awaken the Crustle blockade.  He hands me a small remote with a big green button on it, beaming proudly.  It has not been proven to have any effect at all on Pokémon in battle, Colress notes, but he’s sure I’ll find some use for it.  I am about to fire off a snarky comment, but remember the suspicious square boulder in the Seaside Cave, and thank Colress for his gift.  Satisfied, he departs, leaving me and Jim to our business.  I tell Jim to stay on Route 22 and do one more sweep of the area while I check out the Seaside Cave.  Were this any other game, it would probably be nothing, but since this is Pokémon and Nintendo we’re dealing with, there is an extremely high likelihood that the square boulder is a Crustle, and that it is sitting exactly where we need to be.

When I reach the Seaside Cave, I retrace my steps and find the east exit where the great sandstone boulder is still waiting patiently to be cleared.  I squint at the remote Colress gave me.  He provided no instructions, but the interface seems simple enough: push the big green button.  With a dramatic flourish, I point the remote at the boulder and press it.  The remote begins to emit a hum, which quickly rises to a high-pitched whine.  Nothing happens to the rock.  The remote then starts sparking and giving off choking black smoke, which prompts me to drop it.  It hits the ground and quietly explodes.  I bend over and peer at the remote’s remains, raising an eyebrow.  My confidence in Colress’ technology has taken a serious hit.  Suddenly, though, I feel the ground tremble ever so slightly.  I look up to see the huge Crustle slowly, tortuously getting to its feet.  It chitters to itself gently before waddling away.  The way is now open.  I silently question whether the remote did anything or the Crustle simply woke up on its own, but decide it doesn’t matter.  Now that I can get through the cave exit, I can clearly see the Team Plasma frigate sitting calmly in the water just off the beach.  I punch Jim’s number into my X-Transceiver and tell him to get down here, then step out of the cave to take a closer look.  The first thing I notice is that, this time, the ship’s occupants have remembered to pull up the gangplank.  Hmm.  Well, I suppose I could just Dragon Pulse my way in.  This ain’t my ship, what do I care?  Then again, that would attract a lot of attention, and I should probably at least try to- wait, no, I don’t give a $#!^ who sees me; I’m Princess Motherf#$%ing Leia, I’m taking these morons down, and I don’t care who knows.  Dragon Pulse it is.

As I deliberate on the problem, Marlon backflips out of the water and greets me.  I give him a sarcastic “sup, yo.”  Marlon is here, apparently, to repeat what he told me and Jim back in Humilau City – that, like him, I need to be open and accepting of all peoples and creeds, which is why he doesn’t want to fight Team Plasma.  After all, they’re probably perfectly nice guys, deep down.  I tap my foot on the sand, waiting for him to get to the point.  On the other hand, Marlon continues, I clearly need a hand here, so he’s just going to help me out a little bit and then be on his way.  He leaps back into the water, swims back out to the ship, does some sort of spider-climb up its side, hops over onto the deck, slides out the gangplank, and flips back over the side into the water.  He gives me a jaunty wave, tells me to “keep it real, yo” and swims off.

Y’know, Marlon, there’s a difference between a philosophical commitment to balance and neutrality, and plain old indecisiveness.  What you are doing is definitely the latter.  Thanks for the assist though.

Anyway.  Jaime, Sansa, Tyrion, Barristan, Daenerys, Bran… come on out, everyone.  Time to storm this b!tch.

White 2 Playthrough Journal, episode 20: Splice and dice

With Opelucid City frozen, it’s difficult to get around.  We find ourselves sliding all over the place on sheets of ice, and our paths are continuously blocked by great crystal spires.  Of course, the Team Plasma grunts aren’t doing too well either.  Drayden seems unwilling to reveal exactly where the ‘DNA Splicers’ we’re supposed to be protecting actually are, so Jim and I are forced to sweep the city, pulverising as many Team Plasma members as we can find.  Eventually I locate Zinzolin, outside the Opelucid Gym.  Oh, I realise, well duh.  Where else would Drayden keep a ridiculously valuable set of artefacts with apocalyptic powers?  Zinzolin greets me and we shoot the breeze for a while about the nature of pain.  Zinzolin feels there is a certain purity in suffering, and wishes to spread this transcendent experience to the rest of the world in a form of social Darwinism.  His views are extreme, but his dedication to practicing what he preaches and embracing suffering himself is admirable.  Zinzolin thanks me for the compliment, but suggests that we need to get on with our business.  I sigh and agree.  Can’t this guy be my rival instead of Hugh?  We could just hang out and debate philosophy; it would be awesome.  He has actually come a long way since our last battle, mere days earlier; he has picked up a second Cryogonal and evolved his Sneasel into a Weavile.  This time, though, I have grown tired of the cold, and call out my Arcanine to bring a swift end to the battle.  Cryogonal’s epic special defence aside, Ice Pokémon are not well equipped for the kind of onslaught Barristan can lay down.  Zinzolin graciously bows out, leaving me to guard the Gym.  Drayden and Jim soon arrive, having finished sweeping the city, and Drayden tells us to wait outside while he fetches the DNA Splicers from his lair.  Minutes later, he brings them out to show us: a set of elongated pyramidal objects, striped in black, white and grey.  Huh.  So these are the magic devices that will… well, presumably fuse Kyurem with either Reshiram or Zekrom to create those terrifying bastards on the box art.

Suddenly, a member of the Shadow Triad is here.

Equally suddenly, he is talking as though he has successfully stolen the DNA Splicers.  What on earth are you talking about, Mr. Shadow Triad Person?  Drayden is holding the splicers; they are right there in his-

With a curious sinking feeling, Jim and I turn back to Drayden.

God damnit, Drayden, you were physically holding the stupid things in your hands, how could you-?  Oh, you know what?  Never mind.  Teleporting ninja bull$#!^.  Whatever.

The Shadow Triad ninja gloats briefly, then flees through the city with his magic shadow ninja speed.  The three of us stare at each other, wordless, for a full ten seconds before we split up and run through Opelucid City at breakneck speed hunting for the Shadow Triad.  I make it all the way to the city’s eastern entrance before finding one, who challenges me to come and take the splicers if I want them.  With an Absol and a pair of Pawniard, he’s certainly no slouch at battling, but nothing Barristan and Daenerys can’t handle.  Once defeated, the ninja admits that, actually, he doesn’t have the DNA splicers at all – he was just buying time for the others to escape.  With that, he blinks away.  I spend the next five minutes reciting Catullus 16 in Latin at the top of my voice.  Just as I am in danger of running out of ancient words for violent sexual abuse, Jim turns up.  He has also battled a member of the Shadow Triad, and has had similar ill luck.  Well, there were three ninjas, and there were three of us, so if I didn’t get the one with the splicers, and Jim didn’t get the one with the splicers… As we discuss this, Drayden arrives and wails that the Shadow Triad have escaped.

GOD DAMNIT DRAYDEN YOU HAD ONE JOB.

Hugh and Cheren arrive just in time to avoid doing anything useful, and we hold an impromptu council of war.  Cheren’s friends at the climate institute have detected another massive temperature drop near remote Humilau City, which probably means that Kyurem is there – with Team Plasma.  Drayden dejectedly tells us that he can’t come, since he has to protect Opelucid City (because he’s done such a wonderful job of that so far) but Hugh and Cheren proclaim the vital urgency of this quest and dash off, Cheren to get more information from the climate institute, Hugh to investigate Humilau City.  Jim and I depart as well, flying back to Undella Town at top speed.  As reluctant as we are to get further involved in any of this nonsense, Team Plasma’s theft of the DNA Splicers surely indicates that their plans involve not just Kyurem but Reshiram and Zekrom as well, and possibly the creation of something else more powerful than any of them.  When we arrive in Undella Town, we immediately dash to the newly-opened Marine Tube, the clear underwater tunnel leading from Undella to Humilau City.  This thing reminds me a little of the tunnels in the Kelly Tarlton’s aquarium in our home city, Auckland, but on a massive scale.  I glimpse some enormous Water Pokémon swimming in the ocean around the tunnel, but there’s no time to stop and watch – Hugh has made it quite clear that we are on an urgent mission!  We soon arrive in the tropical paradise of Humilau City, a resort town built primarily on wooden walkways raised above the shallow sea, a little reminiscent of Pacifidlog Town in far away Hoenn.  Upon our arrival we are greeted by Hugh, who will surely want to co-ordinate our efforts in this desperate, frantic hunt.

“We’ll get the DNA Splicers back for sure!  So you should focus on defeating the Gym Leader first!”

O…kay.  So, um… no rush, then?

Hugh is, I can only assume, confident that his obsessive hatred of Team Plasma and bloodhound-like ability to hunt them down will sort everything out in due time without undue difficulty.  Jim and I are less certain and, unwilling to waste time on anything as frivolous as a Gym challenge, scout out the areas around Humilau City.  I head south and leave Jim to go west.  Humilau City is separated from Undella Town by a stretch of pristine tropical coast, dotted with tiny sandy islands.  There is no sign of Team Plasma anywhere.  I also check out the Seaside Cave that leads into Undella Bay, but find nothing out of the ordinary.  There is another exit from the cave on the east side, but it is blocked by a large square boulder suspiciously similar to the group of Crustle Jim and I encountered outside Castelia City so long ago.  Hmm.  I poke the boulder a few times, and even have Jaime, my Samurott, hack away at it with Razor Shell a couple of times.  No effect.  Where’s Colress when you need him?  I throw my hands in the air with exasperation and return to Humilau City.  Jim, to my surprise, has not left the city yet.  He explains, sheepishly, that he can’t find the way out.  I stare at him in disbelief.  I was gone for hours; how hard could it have been?  Apparently, the walkways of Humilau City don’t all link up, and he can’t figure out how to get to the far west side of the town.  We walk around the city for a little while, and I point out that we are allowed to walk beneath the platforms as well.

Jim spends the next hour cursing under his breath and muttering about how Humilau City is a silly little add-on anyway, feels like it was tacked on at the last minute, and doesn’t add anything important to the game.  I am forced to agree that it doesn’t really seem to serve much purpose other than to provide an excuse for a new Gym and an alternative road to the Giant Chasm and the Pokémon League.  It’s not even like Humilau City is Unova’s only tropical resort town.  This does not stop me from sniggering at Jim as we wander back towards the Pokémon Centre.  On our way, we are confronted with Humilau City’s Gym Leader, Marlon, who springs out of the water to greet us in his own idiosyncratic fashion.  I wasn’t aware before meeting Marlon that “sup, yo” was a greeting that anyone actually used, but apparently it is.  My poor rigid classically-educated brain has trouble keeping up with him; I half expect him to start calling me “dogg.”  I quickly decide to cover up my discomfort by demanding a battle.  Marlon tells me to “chill” and meet him later at his Gym, “yo.”

The thought briefly occurs to me that I am now wasting time on something as frivolous as a Gym challenge.  I dismiss the notion, rationalising that I have seven of these damn badges now – one more couldn’t possibly hurt, right?

Anonymous asks:

Wow, really loving all your articles and posts! That’s awesome that you like the Grass type; they don’t get enough love. But I gotta know: what’s your opinion on the Ground type in general? For the longest time it’s been my favorite (but that might be nostalgia talking since I used to love Sandshrew when I was 8). Now that I’ve looked over some of your posts about Pokemon designs….I do notice Ground has a lot of rather generic looking desert animals with no particular extraordinary powers, lol

Ground… Ground is sort of odd because, aside from Normal, it’s the element with the fewest proper defining characteristics.  Many of them are either subterranean or desert creatures – and let us note that these are two extremely different things, and that there is really no reason to clump them together while separating Rock.  This seems to be the deal for most Ground-type attacks, but not all Ground Pokémon are anything like this.  What, for instance, makes Marowak a Ground-type?  What makes Garchomp a Ground-type, other than having the Sand Veil ability (which is shared by Cacturne)?  What makes Nidoking and Nidoqueen Ground-types?  You mention Sandshrew, and I think perhaps it is worth noting that, as of his introduction in Red and Blue, Sandshrew never actually learned any Ground attacks on his own – Sand Attack being considered a Normal-type attack at the time, which really makes you wonder why they labelled Sandshrew a Ground-type in the first place.  In Gold and Silver, of course, Sand Attack became Ground-type, but the newly introduced Sandstorm was a Rock-type attack, and has been ever since.  The first Sand Stream Pokémon, Tyranitar, was a Rock-type also.  Sort of makes you wonder why other sand Pokémon, and the sand-based attacks introduced in Ruby and Sapphire, didn’t follow suit.  The only thing I can think of that they all have in common is that they live on the ground, and even that goes out the window when you encounter bloody Gligar and his nonsensical Ground/Flying type.  It might be instructive, furthermore, to question why Kangaskhan, Dunsparce and Stoutland, to name a few, are not Ground-types.

I’m honestly not sure Ground really needs to be a type at all.  It has very little in the way of thematic unity or purpose, and if I had been doing this ten years ago I might have suggested eliminating it entirely and splitting all of its belongings between Rock and Normal (although this would happen at the price of making Normal even larger and more nebulous than it is already).  You asked for my opinion on the Ground type, and I suppose I’ve given it… I don’t really ‘get’ it.  This is not to say that individual Ground-type Pokémon are poorly designed; some of them are, of course, but others are amazing.  It’s just that the type as a whole is such a vague and, frankly, poorly thought-out idea that they don’t really have anything in common as a group.  Is it really necessary to have two ‘miscellaneous’ types?

White 2 Playthrough Journal, episode 19: Draco dormiens numquam titillandus

We stare, unblinking, at Virizion’s scarlet eyes.  Virizion lowers his head and trills softly, keeping his eyes fixed on us.  He paws the ground and gives a strange, high-pitched yelp.  A flood of images fills my mind – Cobalion, Virizion, Terrakion, separately, then together, Cobalion again, alone, an Ultra Ball, our battle with Cobalion, the Ultra Ball again.  Give him back.  Wait, what?  I lean over towards Jim and whisper in his ear.

“D’you think it’s mad?”

Virizion yelps again and takes off towards us, his hooves beating the ground like war-drums.  We draw Pokéballs from our belts and dive out of the way.  I call out my Vibrava, Daenerys, and Jim calls on Falk, his Magmar.  Virizion pulls to a stop just in front of our Pokémon and attempts to disembowel them with a rapid series of impossibly graceful Sacred Sword attacks before fixing a mighty Giga Drain on Falk.  As Falk attempts to beat Virizion back with a stream of skilfully blocked Flamethrowers, I quietly gesture to Daenerys to take to the skies.  Climbing high into the air, she nails Virizion with a dive-bomb Dragonbreath, breaking his concentration long enough for Falk to join in with an especially peppery Flamethrower.  With a triumphant screech, Daenerys explodes with light and evolves into a Flygon.  She and Falk are quickly able to subdue Virizion, who meekly submits to capture.

The musketeers have, truth be told, been rather anticlimactic so far.  I initially took Cobalion’s presence to mean that the trio had some part to play in the chaos to come; they were once, after all, some of the most explosive opponents of human interference in the world of Pokémon, and really ought to have jumped at the chance to join the main conflict of Black and White.  They never did, though, and it looks like they have no particular plans to do anything about the current conflict either, other than present themselves to us in a faintly accusatory fashion and give us the opportunity to conscript them.  This, I think, is really a shame because there’s a lot of potential for Cobalion, Virizion and Terrakion to get involved in a story like this in a way that resonates with their backstories and helps players to think more about the overarching themes of the plot into the bargain.  Hmm.  Oh well.  Maybe next time.

With Virizion satisfactorily defeated, we are free to move into Opelucid City, a strange town at war with itself, half clinging to the past as half embraces the future.  We are greeted as we enter by Iris, whom we met back in Castelia City.  Iris is spectacularly unhelpful, as usual, but does encourage us to visit the Opelucid Gym and challenge the leader, Drayden, which- hmm.  Hang on.  That means Iris is no longer the Gym Leader on either Black 2 or White 2.  Hmm.  Either she was fired by the Pokémon League for her massive incompetence and lack of commitment, or… something more sinister.

Eh.  Whatever.  I’m sure she’ll reveal her new purpose in time.

Like all the Gyms of Unova, we find that the Opelucid Gym has been redesigned.  Its two great dragon statues are still there, but now one rears up, almost vertical, at the back of the Gym, with trainers waiting on its arms and Drayden watching over all from atop its head.  The other dragon statue cowers meekly at the base of the first.  We consult Clyde the Guide for advice on scaling the first statue to reach Drayden, and he explains that we need to stand on the other dragon’s head and ride it as it rears up and violently smashes its face into the first dragon’s limbs, one at a time, fighting the trainers waiting on each limb.  I raise an eyebrow and ask him, as tactfully as possible, whether he is completely insane and why he is trying to get us killed.  Clyde tells us that these are Drayden’s orders, and he can only follow them like the loyal servant he is.  I shake my head and stride over to the base of the rearing dragon statue and begin shouting obscenities up at Drayden.  I narrate in some detail my nauseating Virbank Gym challenge, my nightmare-inducing experience in the Castelia Gym, and my recent hair-raising battles in the wind tunnel Skyla sees fit to call the Mistralton Gym, peppering it all with my most creative expletives.  I am preparing to embark upon a comprehensive description of all the Pokémon with whom Drayden’s mother must have been intimate in order to produce him, when I realise that he can’t actually hear me up there and slump, defeated, on the floor of the Gym.  Seconds later, I hear a long, warbling cry and see a streak of white as Jim’s Swanna, Lydia, carries him up alongside the dragon statue towards the head.

“Oh,” I mutter.

By the time I have recovered from my extensive rant, gotten over my sheepishness, and summoned Daenerys to carry me to the uppermost levels of the building, Jim has already defeated Drayden’s powerful Dragon-types and is waiting for me to give it a try myself.  Drayden gives me his customary gruff but encouraging Gym Leader greeting.  I respond with a flood of insults so rapid and slurred that even I can barely make out what I’m saying.  Drayden, to his credit, merely blinks twice at my barrage of abuse before summoning his Druddigon.  I decide that since Daenerys is already out I may as well start with her and her new Dragon Claw attack.  Dragon vs. Dragon is always a quick but dramatic affair.  Daenerys and Druddigon clash a few times, their teeth and clays flashing and sparking with pure overflowing life force.  Before long, Druddigon is crouched in submission on the ground, wounds shimmering with lingering energy, and Daenerys isn’t faring much better.  I switch her out as Drayden brings in his own Flygon, replacing her with my battle-ready Samurott, Jaime.  Jaime slashes away happily with his seamitars (this, I have only recently learned, is what Dewott’s scalchops become when he evolves, ‘seamitars’), delivering punishing Razor Shell attacks until Flygon drops in defeat.  Drayden has saved his best for last – Haxorus – but so have I.  My Arcanine, Barristan, is itching for a chance to try out his new Dragon Pulse attack, and even Haxorus’ enormous power loses some of its lustre after an Intimidate.  It’s a close thing – it always is with Haxorus – but of course I prevail.  Was there ever a doubt?  Drayden, gracious in defeat, hands me my Legend Badge.  I thank him by asserting, in mumbled tones, that he is of a fellow of loose virtue.  Jim, remembering what we came here for, asks Drayden whether he can tell us anything about the legendary Pokémon.  Surprised, but happy to help, Drayden leads us out of the Gym and takes us to his home.

Most of what Drayden has to tell us is stuff we’ve heard before anyway.  He relates the old story of Reshiram, Zekrom, the legendary heroes, their more modern counterparts, and their involvement in the Team Plasma crisis two years earlier.  He laments the conflict that exists between Reshiram and Zekrom, explaining that there’s really no reason for truth and ideals to be in opposition – it’s all the fault of the heroes whose fighting caused Reshiram and Zekrom, once a single Dragon Pokémon, to split.  He’s not sure how Kyurem, the third dragon, fits into the grand scheme of things, but he thinks it’s just as old as the other two, based on Professor Juniper’s studies on an ancient treasure kept by his family: the… DNA Splicers?  That’s what they’re called?  You’re really going with that?  Only that seems to imply a fairly detailed understanding of what these things do, informed more by modern science than by legend and myth, which must mean- oh, whatever.  Drayden speculates a little more about Kyurem’s nature, wondering if it could be just an empty husk left behind by the separation of Reshiram and Zekrom (this, you may remember, was a popular fan theory when Black and White were released).  I am broadly happy to accept Drayden’s speculation for now.  It seems to match much of what we already knew, and his regret over the conflict between the black and white dragons at least addresses my niggling irritation that these two supposed opposites are actually completely alike (even if it doesn’t really fix it).  Our reverie is broken by a series of loud explosions from outside.  Drayden, Jim and I rush outside to see-

Ah.  Yes.  Team Plasma’s battleship can fly.  Of course it can.  Wonderful.

Frowning, I send Daenerys into the air to blast a hole in its side.  Enough is enough.  Jim observes that shooting the ship down over a populated area might not be the best idea.  I take note of his objection and command Daenerys to press on.  To my surprise, when she draws near the ship a massive cannon emerges from the hull and knocks her out of the sky with a freezing bolt of energy.  The ship turns its cannon on Opelucid City, pelting the town with blasts of cold and creating huge spires of magical ice.  Once most of the city is frozen over, Zinzolin and some of his minions emerge from the ship.  Zinzolin approaches us to gloat, revelling in his own shivering discomfort as proof that he is alive.  This man really does fascinate me; he has just the right balance of erudition and sociopathy to be a perfect partner in my own schemes for world domination.  I express my delight at seeing him again and renew my offer of a partnership between us once all this Team Plasma nonsense has blown over.  Zinzolin gratefully acknowledges my interest, but points out that we both have business to attend to.  He wants the DNA Splicers.  Drayden, naturally, has hidden them and is not keen to give them up.  Zinzolin deploys his grunts and orders them to search the city.  Time for a good old-fashioned punch-up, I guess…

Presenting: Krakentoa, the Deep Flame Pokémon!

Well, here he is: a Pokémon created entirely from submissions by readers of this blog, with the neatest ideas chosen by an interminable series of polls.  Credits for individual contributions are all at the end.

Krakentoa, the Deep Flame Pokémon

Height: 22’7" – 6.9m
Weight: 492 lb – 223.2 kg

Black ‘dex entry: It occasionally bites rocks and ignites them to scare prey. The explosions are often mistaken for underwater eruptions.
White ‘dex entry: It absorbs heat by latching onto underwater vents. This makes it glow brighter, in turn attracting prey.
Black 2 White 2 ‘dex entry: They gather in groups and spew hot oil at Wailord pods. Then, the group emerges to feed on the remains.

Stats:

HP – 65
Attack – 92
Defence – 41
Special Attack – 123
Special Defence – 55
Speed – 125

Abilities: Illuminate, Sniper, Insomnia (DW)

Base experience yield: 221

EV yield: 2 SpAtk, 1 Spd
Base happiness: 70
Time to hatch egg: 26 cycles
Catch rate: 30
Experience growth: medium slow (max. 1,059,860 exp.)

Art by Adam Dreifus
Stat spread and movepool by Thatswhatbradsaid
Concept by Chewiana Jones
Pokédex entries by Lucas
Name by crazedgamer111
Species designation by Random Access

So.  What do we take from this?

Well, personally, I felt the whole thing was really kind of a pain to co-ordinate and took far longer than it should have, but I suppose we did get a pretty cool Pokémon out at the end of it, right?  I’m quite happy that he came out as a deep sea Pokémon, since the deep ocean is just fun to think about – dark, mysterious, alien – and I think we could do with more deep ocean Pokémon that aren’t legendary like Lugia and Kyogre.  This guy does that quite nicely with the opposition to Wailord that we’ve got going.  The vaguely mechanical steampunk-y appearance is also a nice contrast to the typically more organic style of aquatic Pokémon.

As far as battling aptitude goes, I think this is probably a nice balance.  The ludicrous speed and multiple extremely powerful special attacks allow Krakentoa to fill a variety of offensive roles with gusto, but the Stealth Rock weakness, cardboard defences and uninspiring abilities hold him back from being truly ridiculous.  Well, in theory at least.  Goodness only knows how this critter would perform in practice.

I’m not sure I have much more to say here.  I think I’ll just get on with trying to wrap up my White 2 playthrough journal (which, let’s be honest here, is getting ridiculous; I actually finished the game weeks ago, it’s just taking me this long to write it).  Chris out.

White 2 Playthrough Journal, episode 18: Chaos theory

Undella Town passes us in a blur.  Not literally, of course; we just weren’t paying attention.  There are a few new areas – the Marine Tube which supposedly leads to Humilau City, and the Seaside Cave which also supposedly leads to Humilau City, but neither is open to us at present.  We’re pretty sure Hugh turned up at some point and demanded some practice battles, but he said little of interest or relevance.  The road south to Black City and White Forest was much as it always has been, although the gatehouse at the end of the road is perhaps notable for being host to Game Freak’s most bizarre roadblock yet: a line of dancing fat men, who, when questioned, will explain that they are dancing for no reason, and will someday stop dancing, also for no reason.  I stare at them, transfixed, with an immovable look of “wha?” on my face, until Jim manages to drag me out of the gatehouse.  The road north towards Lacunosa Town, likewise, is largely unchanged and uninteresting – until we reach the point where it forks toward the Giant Chasm.  The Chasm itself is inaccessible, but there is someone at the junction waiting for us: Cobalion.

I tell Jim, insistently, to leave this to me.  He raises an eyebrow, but agrees.  I approach Cobalion and politely ask him whether we may continue our negotiations.  Cobalion lowers his head, ready to charge.  I smile, taking this as an affirmative, and open my mouth to begin an impassioned speech on the natural suitability of humans for command and Pokémon for obedience.  My plan, of course, is to moderate my position as the debate continues, thus creating the impression that I am a) reasonable (hah!) and b) receptive to Cobalion’s own arguments.  Unfortunately, Cobalion delivers a startlingly effective riposte in the form of a Sacred Sword attack, which neatly lops off one of my Princess Leia buns as I dodge to the side.  For a few moments I stare at Cobalion, dumbfounded.  Has this creature no conception of civility!?  I am collecting myself for a cutting remark on Cobalion’s parentage when he prepares to initiate an Iron Head attack.  The thought momentarily occurs to me that perhaps a somewhat more aggressive diplomatic strategy would have been apropos.  As I contemplate my imminent premature demise, a pair of thick green tendrils lash out of nowhere and snare Cobalion around his neck and one leg.  As he screams with rage, I spin around to see Jim’s Serperior, Ulfric, straining to keep a tight hold on the legendary Pokémon with his Vine Whips.  Jim orders Ulfric to hurl him into the air, and the Serperior obliges, flinging Cobalion roughly into a nearby tree.  The musketeer Pokémon recovers quickly, though, and within moments they are at each other’s throats, Leaf Blade against Sacred Sword.  I draw an Ultra Ball from my bag.  This has gone on long enough.  I lob the Ultra Ball with all my strength, chanting “up, down, A, B, up down, B, A” under my breath.  It strikes Cobalion and draws him in with a flash of light.  A few moments later, it’s all over.  Jim stares at me as though I’ve swiped a sandwich from his open mouth.  I poke my tongue out at him and dismiss Cobalion’s ball to the PC network.  I’ll deal with you later.

With that behind us, we arrive in the only walled city in all of Unova – Lacunosa Town.  I remember this place being kind of pointless, other than for providing some vague hints about- oh.  Ah.  Right.  Better look around.  We are soon met by Professor Juniper and Bianca, who have used Fly (i.e. cheated) to beat us here, and as usual have their own ideas about how our investigation should proceed.  Juniper drags us to the home of one of Lacunosa Town’s elders, explaining that the town has a legend we should hear.  The elder relates the familiar story to us: when the cold winds blow from the nearby Giant Chasm, a fearsome beast stalked the night, snatching away anyone who wandered outside after dark.  The town’s great stone wall was built to defend against this monster, but even to this day no-one in Lacunosa Town will leave home after dark.  Professor Juniper comments that the wall is probably what gives the town its name; lacunosus clouds are a type of cloud that are supposed to look like a fence or a net.  Jim and I have to conceal a snigger at this.  Lacunosa Town is named for its wall, but clearly the town’s founders were influenced by either an astonishing lack of confidence in their stonework or a distressingly poor command of Latin – lacunosus means “full of holes” (this, I should note, is its strictest, most literal sense; it could also be taken to mean “collapsed,” “sunken,” “waterlogged,” or just downright “inadequate”).  The more sobering thought then occurs to us that, if a legendary Pokémon as powerful as Kyurem were to attack the town, that name might turn out to be chillingly accurate.

As we go to leave for Opelucid City, we run into Hugh.  Damnit, how do all these idiots keep getting ahead of us!?  Hugh is following some rumours he’d heard about Team Plasma activity in the town, and is wondering if we’ve seen anything.  We are about to answer in the negative before switching the topic to something more conducive to Hugh’s mental stability, like hobbies or the weather, when – speak of the devil – none other than Zinzolin, the Sage leading the reborn Team Plasma, appears with two grunts in tow.  Hugh’s eyes flash and he reaches for his Pokéballs, but Jim and I interpose ourselves and attempt to negotiate.  What is Zinzolin after, anyway?  The other Sages abandoned Ghetsis when they realised he’d been manipulating them, so why is he still leading Team Plasma?  If he just wants to take over the world, couldn’t he, maybe, work with us instead?  Zinzolin laughs and explains his philosophy.  He’s actually not interested in power at all – from what I can understand, he’s mostly interested in chaos.  Zinzolin knows that Ghetsis means to tear the asunder the order of the world and the balance of nature and civilisation by forever separating humans from Pokémon, and he wants to watch.  The crazy bastard wants to watch.

I am forced to concede that it does sound like a fascinating sociological experiment.

I offer, in the event of a Team Plasma victory, to co-author a paper with Zinzolin on the extent of human sociological dependence on Pokémon.  After all, just because I’m theoretically opposed to them doesn’t mean I can’t try to create a win-win situation for myself.   Zinzolin hesitates, but agrees to my proposition.  We shake hands on it, and then return to the matter at hand – Hugh is foaming to beat up Zinzolin and his attendants, and Jim and I have a mind to join him.  Zinzolin, it turns out, is quite a strange Pokémon trainer.  One of his persistent character traits, held over from the original Black and White (which Cheren noted when we first encountered him in Driftveil City), is that he hates the cold.  This is strange because Zinzolin is actually an Ice-type specialist – his Pokémon are Cryogonal and Sneasel.  Thinking out loud, I observe that this seems indicative of a level of self-loathing.  This gets Zinzolin so flustered that my Scolipede, Tyrion, is able to steamroll both of his Ice Pokémon before he can regain his composure.  I give the sage a cluck of disapproval as Jim and Hugh finish off his equally inept minions.  Zinzolin curses, mutters something about searching Opelucid City and departs with his grunts, Hugh close behind, waving his fist and shouting something unprintable about radishes.

So, Opelucid City sounds like the place to be.

The road to Opelucid City is nearly as boring as the road to Lacunosa Town was, with the exception of the Village Bridge.  As the surprisingly apt name suggests, this is a bridge with a village on it.  I don’t think anyone actually knows why the village was built on the bridge, as opposed to the more architecturally sound option of building it next to the bridge.  I mean, okay, yes, there was the mediaeval London Bridge, but that was a) in the middle of a massive and already overcrowded city, and b) a massive fire hazard.  Village Bridge, as it turns out, is guarded – in the middle stands an odd Gentleman by the name of Stonewall, who declares that he challenges anyone crossing the bridge.  He has won 999 straight victories, and is eager to win victory number 1000!  Well, we observe, if he’s won 999 straight victories he must be pretty str-oh no wait never mind.  Though comparable in skill to the sage Zinzolin, with a powerful Durant and Lucario, poor Stonewall soon finds himself twisted into knots by Jim’s Zoroark and its mind-bending illusions.  He collapses in defeat, mourning the winning streak he’d spent two years building up (y’know, with only two Pokémon, battling about three trainers every day is actually a pretty good effort), though he vows to try again.  Once across the bridge, the rest of our journey to Opelucid City is quick and without incident… until we reach the outskirts, and find none other than the legendary Virizion blocking our path.

Another game that people sometimes mention alongside Pokemon is Digimon. Have you ever playe a Digimon game, and if you have, what are your thoughts about it?

You know, I never have.  I watched the show when I was a kid but I never actually played a Digimon game.  I don’t think they were ever as popular in New Zealand as the anime was.

What kind of games should I be thinking of here?  Are we talking about the Tamagotchi-style thingies that Digimon was originally based on, or the stuff that was developed later as spin-offs of the anime?  Seriously, if anyone wants to recommend something so I can go and grab an emulator, I’m all ears.  The anime had some really nice characterisation and, although I don’t have as much fun with the themes as I do in Pokémon, it’s a cool world to play with.

Let’s see if we can wrap this up

image

We now have art and a set of powers and skills for our Water/Fire deep sea lava lamp squid of doom.

I’ve had three sets of Pokédex entries submitted, as well as a number of names, so let’s get this done (I’ve decided to keep the submitters anonymous for now).

The sets of Pokédex entries we have to choose from are as follows:

Set number 1:

Black: It occasionally bites rocks and ignites them to scare prey. The explosions are often mistaken as underwater eruptions.
White: It absorbs heat by latching onto underwater vents. This makes it glow brighter, in turn attracting prey.
B2W2: They gather in groups and spew hot oil at Wailord pods. Then, the group emerges to feed on the remains.
Set number 2:
Black: They are filled with combustible oil that can ignite in a brilliant explosion, even under thousands of feet of water.
White: When the oil inside this Pokémon ignites, it becomes able to shoot through the water like a rocket.
B2W2: It is said that these Pokémon can communicate through the shining light of their mantles, even from miles away. 
Set number 3:

Black: It traps its foe in a thick cloud of oil, then sets it aflame. Oil-rich Pokemon like Walrein and Wailord are its preferred prey.
White: It lurks in shadowy caves on the Arctic seafloor, shining with an eerie, purplish light. By the time a curious Pokemon spots the golden glow of its eyes, it is already too late.
B2W2: By igniting their entire oil supply at once, a group of [Squiddy] can launch themselves like bullets, decimating a slow-moving pod of Wailord. Then, they feast on the remains.

Next order of business: a species designation.

Followed by height and weight.  I had three submissions here, but two of them were so similar I decided to take the average, rather than split the votes for two options that were basically the same (this is where the largest of the size options came from).  I’ve also added two more options to get a bit of choice in here.

Next: what is Squiddy’s base experience yield?  The amount of experience gained by a level 50 Pokemon defeating a wild level 50 Squiddy will be about 10 times this number.  For reference, the lowest base experience yield in the games is Sunkern’s, at 36, and the highest is Blissey’s, at 608.  Most fully-evolved Pokémon have a base yield between 150 and 250, increasing with relative power and rarity; legendary and pseudo-legendary Pokémon mostly fit into the 250-320 range.  For each option, I’ve given some examples of other Pokémon in the same bracket.

While we’re at it, what is his effort yield?  All Pokémon, you may be aware, confer ‘effort points’ as well as experience points when defeated, which accelerate the growth of individual stats.  Most Pokémon grant effort points in their own best stats, which makes this fairly self-explanatory, and no Pokémon grants more than 3.

Next is Squiddy’s base happiness.  I’m almost not sure this is even worth a poll, since almost all Pokémon have a base happiness of 70, but while we’re here we may as well.  Only 6 different levels of base happiness currently exist in the game: 0 is used by the most powerful legendary Pokémon, and also Buneary; 35 is used by the majority of legendary Pokémon, a large number of Dark- and Ghost-types, all pseudo-legendary Pokémon, and a couple of generically ‘antisocial’ Pokémon like Ralts and Aron; 90 is used only by Latias, Latios, Tornadus, Thundurus and Landorus; 100 is used by Heatran, Pachirisu, Ambipom, Luxio and Croagunk (but not, strangely, by Aipom, Shinx, Luxray or Toxicroak) and the ‘cute’ legendary Pokémon; 140 is used by a handful of ‘cute’ Pokémon like Clefairy, as well as the Sinnoh lake spirits; and 70 is used by everything else.

How long do Squiddy’s eggs take to hatch?  The game actually measures this not in an exact number of steps, per se, but in ‘cycles’ of 255 steps each.  Most Pokémon hatch after 21 cycles.  A large number of early-game Pokémon from all generations take only 16 cycles, and Caterpie, Weedle, Togepi, Azurill, Pachirisu, Croagunk and Munna take only 11.  Many rare or single-stage Pokémon take 26 cycles.  All the fossil Pokémon, as well as Spiritomb, Hippopotas, Drifloon and Druddigon, take 31.  Eevee and Aron take 36.  A handful of very rare Pokémon, including all the pseudo-legendaries, Phione, and (for some reason) Basculin take 41.  Magikarp is the only Pokémon in the game who takes just 6.

How hard is it to capture Squiddy?  All Pokémon have a catch rate – the higher this number, the easier they are to capture.  Many early-game or unevolved Pokémon have a catch rate of 255.  Almost all unevolved Pokémon have a rating of at least 170.  Many Pokémon in the middle of a three-stage evolutionary path are between 120 and 90, and a lot of evolved two-stage Pokémon are between 90 and 60.  The starter Pokémon and most pseudo-legendary Pokémon at all their stages have a catch rate of 45, along with a large number of fully-evolved Pokémon, as well as Zekrom and Reshiram (due to their plot-critical status).  Many rare Pokémon like Absol, Yanmega, Tangrowth, Porygon-Z, Klinklang, Steelix, Skarmory, Relicanth and Cryogonal, as well as Dialga and Palkia, have a catch rate of 30 or 25 (again, for plot reasons).  Volcarona’s is 15, Kyogre and Groudon’s is 5, and the vast majority of legendary Pokémon are at 3, along with Beldum, Metang and Metagross.

And last but not least: which experience curve does Squiddy use?  There are six different experience curves in Pokémon, three of which are straightforward and three of which are bizarre.  The Fast, Medium Fast and Slow curves have a direct linear relationship with the cube of the Pokémon’s level, and require 800,000, 1,000,000 and 1,250,000 Exp. to reach level 100, respectively.  A lot of ‘cute’ Pokémon use the Fast curve, as well as the Misdreavus, Dusclops and Banette lines, Lunatone and Solrock, and Ledian and Ariados.  Most legendary Pokémon use the Slow curve, as well as a lot of rarer Pokémon like Braviary, Heracross, and the Ralts and Slakoth lines.  The Medium Fast and Medium Slow curves are both very common, and between them account for almost two thirds of all Pokémon.  Medium Slow is the first weird one.  It’s the curve used by all the starter Pokémon, and is actually faster than the Fast curve at low levels, but gradually slows down as you progress.  Eventually these Pokémon require the rather odd amount of 1,059,860 Exp. to reach level 100.  The other two curves are really unusual and, with just four exceptions, are only used by third-generation Pokémon.  The Erratic curve starts off excruciatingly, punishingly slow, but gradually builds steam until these Pokémon actually require less Exp. to progress from level 90 to level 100 than they did to get from 80 to 90, with a final total of just 600,000.  Altaria, Milotic, Nincada, Clamperl and Volbeat all use this curve.  The Fluctuating curve is just the opposite; Pokémon that use this curve start off with extremely rapid growth, faster than any other curve, which slows down dramatically as they progress.  Hariyama, Breloom, Wailord and Illumise all use the Fluctuating curve, and it requires a grand total of 1,640,000 Exp. to reach level 100.

Phew.  That took a lot longer than I thought it would.  I’ll leave those polls open for about five days, and that should be the end of it!