Continue reading “RandomAccess asks:”
I thought about Pokémon ethics and something occurred to me, Pokémon are dangerous. Of course humans use devices to contain them, it’s the one way we can survive in that hostile world, where there are creatures that can destroy you mind, body, and even soul. The fact that they become tame after capture despite obviously still having free will is incredibly lucky on our part, and shows it’s mutually beneficial, because if they wanted to, they’d destroy us and be rid of us, and we couldn’t stop it
House Pidgeot: Swift as the Wind
Ruby: I’m telling you, I was fine. There was just… a little more magical energy in the Charizardite than I anticipated. I would have brought the explosions under control sooner or later.
Spruce: And when you say “under control”…
Ruby: I mean they would have been happening in a direction of my choosing. Broadly speaking.
Fisher: I really must advise more caution, my lady. A stone of fiery power, leading a young fox Pokémon down the path of temptation… that is a pattern the followers of the Blessed Helix know all too well. I fear the hand of the Dome is at work in this matter.
Melissa: But we all need to get stronger and learn new ways to use our powers for the greater good! The risks don’t matter!
Ruby: Please don’t tell me my only sensible minion is the over-excitable insect in fanatical service to an all-devouring hive mind.
Luna: Not at all. I think you were doing a splendid job just as you were. The smell of the humans’ flesh as it was atomised in your cerulean holocaust was nothing short of exhilarating.
Ruby: …somehow your approval is not as reassuring as I had hoped it would be, cat.
Spruce: Um… not that I don’t love hearing about Luna’s favourite smells or anything, but there’s a human just… standing in the road up there…
Boy: You there… stop…
Ruby: Who commands us so, insolent child? Do you know to whom you speak?
Boy: No life… no voice… not without… the master…
Ruby: Hmm. Vacant expression. Limited vocabulary and poor sentence structure. Glassy eyes. Slow, laboured speech. It’s remarkable; he’s almost exactly like ours.
Boy: Lie down… lie down and die…
Ruby: You know, in some respects this might even be an improvement.
Melissa: His thoughts smell… weird. I can’t quite put my needle on it… It’s sort of like the parasites I stole from that wicked Vivillon we fought, how they don’t have any minds of their own.
Ruby: Mmm. Probably because he’s being psychically dominated by the Kadabra that Lavoisier asked us to despatch.
Spruce: What? He’s here!?
Ruby: Almost certainly. [Shouting] Come out of hiding, coward! You are challenged to a duel of sorcery!
Kadabra: [Teleports into view] Ha-HA! Sorcery-games, I’ve gotten so bored of, little-foxy! Don’t we rather fancy instead a trifling little game of riddles? Riddle me this, foxy: what walks on three legs in the evening, has a bed but never sleeps, makes some men blind but helps others to see, and is like a raven and a writing-desk?
Ruby: …you- I don’t- what?
Kadabra: You! CONFUSION!
Ruby: That doesn’t even make s-aaaaaaaauuuughh! Ooof!
Fisher: Treachery! Villain, I shall smite you as the Voices will it! FOR THE HELIX!
Kadabra: Your ancient fossil god has no power over me, little-shouty-duck-thing – for watch, and be amazed, as I bend the very nature of reality itself, and… THIS SPOON!
Fisher: …I beg your pardon? The spoon bends, but- is it a metaphor for something? Do you imply that I too, a faithful servant of the one true god, am like putty in your telekinetic ‘hands’?
Fisher: Aaaaaarrrrghh- oof! Oh, alas, I am undone! Bird Jesus, I implore you, send your divine wind to uplift the wings of your blessed child!
Ruby: …he means you, Spruce.
Spruce: I know, I know! Face me, villain!
Kadabra: You have no hope! BEHOLD, THE SPOON!
Spruce: Um… there… there is no spoon; you’re not actually holding anything.
Spruce: I don’t- you’re not even using an attack; you’re just yelling “Confusion!”
Ruby: It’s your Keen Eyes, you idiot; you can see through the illusions he’s creating with his Kinesis technique! Hurry up and get him before he uses a real Psychic attack!
Spruce: Wow; neat! Uh… hey, you! It’s time you paid for your, uh-
Ruby: Oh, for- work on your combat banter later! Just hit him!
Spruce: Oh! Right! QUICK ATTACK!
Spruce: …did… did I… is he dead?
Luna: Hmm… let me see… [CRACK] He is now.
???: [calling] Oh, help me! Please, won’t someone help me?
Spruce: Do you hear that?
Spruce: It sounds like someone’s in trouble!
Ruby: Oh, the tragedy of this cruel world. If only someone could help them. Alas.
Spruce: Ruby, we can help them. We’re powerful adventurers; this is what we do!
Fisher: Surely this is divine providence, my friends! The Helix leads us ever onward to new challenges, and we must not shirk them!
Melissa: Yeah! The hive sent me out here to fight and get strong, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do!
Spruce: Well, that’s settled, then.
Ruby: [sigh] I repeat: alas.
Melissa: Here it is; here it is! This is the end of the forest!
Spruce: Santalune City should be right over this next ridge.
Ruby: About time. Human, let- put me- let go of me, idiot! Ah! Finally.
Melissa: Come on, come on! We need to hurry!
Ruby: What’s the rush? You two have all day tomorrow to do your… quest thing or whatever and indulge your delusions of adequacy.
Melissa: Oh, I know, but it’s so important and so exciting!
Spruce: Maybe you should just tell us more about who we’re fighting?
Ruby: Yes, please do; what you’ve told us so far has been so excruciatingly riveting.
Melissa: She’s an evil, evil witch with a Vivillon who lures Bug Pokémon away from the forest by promising to make them stronger and takes them away from the hive! They just want to make all the Bug Pokémon in the Santalune Forest into their slaves!
Spruce: Why would anyone do something like that?
Melissa: I don’t know, but we have to stop them! If the hive gets weaker none of us will know what to do anymore! The hive is our whole life!
Fletchling: ‘scuse me, mates, couldn’t ‘elp but over’ear…
Melissa: Who said that?
Fletchling: I did. Up ‘ere. And if you don’t mind my say so, sounds like you might be in need of some muscle for ‘ire.
Ruby: Hmm… come down here where I can see you properly, bird.
Fletchling: No problem at all. Bodkin’s the name. You need air support, I’m your bloke – long as you got the dough for it. Looks like you already got yourself a bird on your team though. Doin’ all right there, mate?
Spruce: Uh… fine, thanks.
Bodkin: ‘oo’s in charge ‘ere, then? You got a trainer, looks like.
Ruby: Oh, for- Ignore the ape! Really, why would anyone pay the slightest attention to him with such a vision of incandescent power as myself in view?
Bodkin: And ‘oo are you then, guv’nor?
Ruby: I am Ruby the Fennekin, fiery jewel among Pokémon, sorceress supreme! Perhaps you’ve heard of me?
Bodkin: [staring] …you what?
Ruby: [sighs] It was worth a try.
Bodkin: ‘ey, I’m sure you’re a great celebrity in other parts, but I’m only an ‘umble mercenary. I dunno nothin’ about sorceresses and the like. Like I said, though, sounds to me like you’re lookin’ to challenge the Santalune Gym. Ain’t nothin’ better than a quick Flying-type to ‘elp you clean that place out.
Ruby: What’s the catch?
Bodkin: Well, like I said, I’m a bit of a materialist, luv. I’ll fight wherever, whenever and ‘ooever you want, but you gotta meet my fee. Two evolutionary stones and a nugget, all in advance.
Spruce: That’s a bit steep!
Bodkin: Heh. What’s she payin’ you, mate?
Spruce: I- she’s not paying me anything! I’m here to go on adventures, help people, and do good things!
Bodkin: Hah! Seriously? Well, aren’t you adorable? And what about the crispy little luncheon roll ‘ere?
Melissa: [giggles] I might be a meal for you, but whole flocks of you would be just a snack for the hive.
Bodkin: …uh… h’okay, then. Um. [to Ruby] Well, luv? What’s it to be?
Ruby: Two evolutionary stones and a nugget. Hmm. Would you accept, say… a frosted Poké Puff and this Pidgey?
Spruce: Wait, what?
Bodkin: Hah! That’s a good one, luv! Mind you… [glances at Spruce] Mmm… tempting… but no, no can do.
Spruce: Wait, what?
Bodkin: Tell you what; you made me laugh, so forget the stones. I ain’t got the contacts to sell ‘em at the moment anyway. That’s my best price, that is.
Ruby: Regrettably I… find myself a little short on nuggets at the moment. Along with most of the other trappings of power… like competent inferiors…
Bodkin: That’s a right bleedin’ shame, that is. Well, if we ain’t got no business, I’d best be off, then – but you remember my name. Might be useful if you come into a bit o’ cash, eh?
Ruby: Mmm. Quite.
Bodkin: Until next time!
Spruce: It was nice meeting you!
Bodkin: And yourself, mate. You look me up if you’re ever around ‘ere and fancy a bit o’ fun, yeah? [winks]
Spruce: …I am so confused.
Ruby: You there! You, Pidgey!
Ruby: Do you see another Pidgey around here? Yes, you! My human and I require directions to the Santalune Forest. Quickly now!
Pidgey: Oh- the entrance to the main trail is right over that way; you just turn left at the rock that looks like a dead Zigzagoon and you can’t miss it.
Ruby: Mmm. Adequate. Thank you for your time, commoner. Come, human.
Pidgey: Um! Wait a minute! Excuse me!
Ruby: Yes, what is it?
Pidgey: Um, excuse me, but – human, are you- are you a trainer?
Ruby: He is; what of it?
Pidgey: You’re not, um… you’re not looking for Pokémon for your team at all, are you?
Ruby: He… might be.
Pidgey: Oh, wow; this is so amazing! I- I can help you! I can! I-
Ruby: No, look, ignore the human. The human is an idiot. He can’t even understand us. Get down here. I said down here! Stop fluttering about like that!
Pidgey: Sorry, sorry. This is all just so exciting!
Ruby: Yes, well, I suppose it’s not every day that one meets such an exquisite specimen of Pokémonhood as myself. You are forgiven, commoner. Tell me your name.
Pidgey: My name is Spruce! I’m a Pidgey and I live right here on the edges of Santalune Forest and I’ve always wanted to go with a human trainer and grow big and strong and maybe even evolve one day so I can travel and do good things and help people and it’d be so cool if I could go with you and your trainer and do all of those things!
Ruby: Really. How quaint.
Spruce: What about you? What’s your name?
Ruby: I? I am Ruby the Fennekin, fiery jewel among Pokémon, sorceress supreme! Perhaps you’ve heard of me.
Spruce: Er… yes. Oh, yes; I recognise you now! Of course I have!
Ruby: Ah; then you know of my battle against the dread Raticate King?
Spruce: Well, yeah!
Ruby: And you have heard the story of my dramatic victory in the Tournament of Sapphires?
Spruce: Who hasn’t?
Ruby: And perhaps you are even familiar with how I liberated the Pokémon of Kanto from the oppression of Team Rocket?
Spruce: That’s my favourite one of the lot!
Ruby: [narrowing her eyes] I’ve never done any of those things.
Ruby: You’ve never actually heard of me, have you?
Spruce: Well… well, not- not exactly, no. But they do say that flattery is the sincerest form of- um… something!
Ruby: [sighs] Quite.
Spruce: And- and I still really do want to join you! And help others and do good things!
Ruby: Look, when you say ‘others,’ are you prepared for those ‘others’ to be me? And when you say ‘good things’ are you prepared for that to mean things that are good for me?
Spruce: Sure! We all have to help each other in the world, right? That way we can all make the world a better place together and-
Ruby: Yeah, yeah, whatever; look, just remember, you work for me, not the human, is that clear?
Spruce: Sure thing! You can count on me, Ruby!
Ruby: Then so it shall be! Human! DEPLOY YOUR SORCEROUS ORB!