???: [calling] Oh, help me! Please, won’t someone help me?
Spruce: Do you hear that?
Spruce: It sounds like someone’s in trouble!
Ruby: Oh, the tragedy of this cruel world. If only someone could help them. Alas.
Spruce: Ruby, we can help them. We’re powerful adventurers; this is what we do!
Fisher: Surely this is divine providence, my friends! The Helix leads us ever onward to new challenges, and we must not shirk them!
Melissa: Yeah! The hive sent me out here to fight and get strong, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do!
Spruce: Well, that’s settled, then.
Ruby: [sigh] I repeat: alas.
Skitty: Oh, thank goodness you’ve come! I- I was starting to think no one would be able to help me.
Spruce: It’s all right; calm down. Why don’t you tell us your name?
Skitty: My name? It’s L-L-Luna. Wh-who are you?
Ruby: These, commoner, are all my minions; I am Ruby the Fennekin, fiery jewel among Pokémon, sorceress supreme – perhaps you’ve heard of me?
Luna: Um… m-maybe in passing?
Ruby: [shrugs] I’ll take it.
Luna: You have a trainer; are you adventurers? Are you strong? Oh, please tell me you can help me!
Fisher: Only say the word! How can our party be of assistance to you, fair maiden?
Luna: A b-b-bunch of h-horrible Pokémon on this road took my sister. I n-n-need your help to defeat that group of big tough brutes over there [points]. Please; I can’t do this alone! I’m too small and Skitty aren’t good fighters!
Fisher: Say no more! Know that this day you will owe your salvation to the chance whims of the Blessed Helix that brought us together!
Spruce: Uh… and to us. Don’t forget us.
Fisher: Right you are, my friend! Now, let us delay no further – charge!
Melissa: Consume them, little ones! For the hive!
Ruby: …oh, whatever. Fiery death it is.
Luna: Well, that was impressive. You certainly showed them a thing or two. Oh, look; this one’s still breathing… [CRACK] Wait, never mind – my mistake. Now, let’s just see what these ruffians have in the way of loot…
Spruce: Wait… what about your sister?
Luna: Mmm? Oh, long gone, probably dead.
Spruce: But- you said-
Luna: I said that some horrible Pokémon took my sister away on this road. That was… oh, four or five years ago. I sold her to them.
Spruce: As a slave!?
Luna: Labels, labels; aren’t we all slaves, really? Ooh, is this a Miracle Seed…?
Spruce: You- you just used us to take out all these Pokémon who’d never done anything to you!?
Luna: Mmm, something like that. What can I say? A girl must eat, must she not?
Spruce: But- but-
Ruby: You see, Spruce, this is why you don’t help just any wailing damsel you trip over on the road. Lesson learned; now let’s get going.
Spruce: Aren’t you mad that she tricked us like that?
Ruby: Not as mad as I’d be if we were the victims. Let her have her trinkets; we’ll have bigger and more important treasures to chase once we reach Lumiose City.
Spruce: We can take her with us and turn her in to the authorities! [To Luna] You! You’re going to pay for tricking us into killing those innocent Pokémon!
Luna: My, you do feel rather strongly about this, don’t you? What a shame… [calling] Help me! HELP! Someone! Anyone! Please, help me!
Melissa: What’s she doing?
Corphish: Hey! You there! What are you doing to that Skitty!?
Ruby: …oh, you clever little b!tch.
Ruby: For goodness’ sake, you fools, stop fighting for a moment and listen to us!
Fletchling: No! The likes of you bandits have been terrorising this route for way too long!
Ruby: Ugh; why am I even talking to these pawns? Burn, damn you!
Fisher: Please, good sir, I’m sure that if you just take a moment to sit down and learn a little about the wondrous and life-affirming beliefs of my holy church and our all-beneficent father of spirals, you would see that I could never-
Pikachu: Don’t you try to trick me, zealot! Shut up and fight!
Fisher: Why, I never-! In the name of the Helix, be still! DISABLE!
Corphish: Argh! My comrades! I’ll take you all on alone if I have to!
Luna: You know… you should really look behind you more often… and be more careful who you trust.
Corphish: Wha-? Glrrk-! [thud]
Luna: Ohh, that felt good… It’s exquisite, isn’t it? The moment one’s claw slices clean through a nerve cluster and the body goes limp?
Luna: But not even a bauble in his possession! Pssht! This lifestyle simply doesn’t have the material rewards it once did. You know, you could probably help me with that. I’d make it worth your while.
Ruby: …what did you have in mind?
Luna: You seem like interesting sorts… even that obstinate little Pidgey of yours. I’m sure you’ve seen that my lack of physical strength is no obstacle for me. And unless my perky ears deceive me, I do believe I heard you mention a spot of treasure-hunting you have planned. Perhaps I could join your group?
Ruby: …minions. Huddle.
Melissa: She’s fun!
Spruce: She’s insane.
Fisher: She is Anarchic!
Ruby: …she’s good. She’s very good.
Spruce: I would just like to point out again that she is insane.
Ruby: She just… needs a stabilising influence to point her at people who annoy me.
Fisher: And she in turn will be a destabilising influence to help us tread the balanced path between the temptations of Order and righteous Chaos!
Ruby: It’s your call, Spruce.
Spruce: …what, seriously?
Ruby: No, don’t be daft; I was just trying to make you feel like your opinion actually mattered. [To Luna] Cat! You’re in!
Luna: [grinning] How delightful. Of course, I shall use all of my not inconsiderable wiles to ensure the success of this little venture of ours. This should be fun.
Ruby: You do understand that if I think for even a moment that you’re planning to stab me in the back I will incinerate you?
Luna: [purring] I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Chris: O. M. G. You are SO CUUUUUTE!
Lumiose City – Sycamore’s Lab
Spruce: So… what are we doing here?
Ruby: My contact in Lumiose City lives in this building with a human scientist. Our human has business here as well… if you can call it that.
Luna: What does the human do, exactly?
Ruby: As I understand it, he spreads ridiculous misinformation about Pokémon biology using the chattering box he carries, in order to confuse and sabotage other human adolescents. If you stay with us and continue to murder things for me, he will almost certainly tell you about it at some length. Whether you want him to or not. Ah, here we are. Now, where is…?
Charmander: Ruby! How’re ya doin’, sis? It’s been way too long!
Ruby: [sighs] Hello, Lavoisier. I… see you’re doing well.
Lavoisier: Oh, like you wouldn’t even believe. I got this sweet lab, I can eat whatever I want, I can fight for as long as I feel like it and not a second more, I hear everything the Professor and his friends talk about, and I am up to my frikkin’ tail in cute Monster-group girls.
Lavoisier: Well… okay, that- that last part was a lie. I mean, there was this one Treecko chick who, um… but, uh… that’s not important. What about you? You found yourself another trainer already?
Ruby: Yes; this one is… marginally superior. In some respects.
Lavoisier: Well, you haven’t set him on fire yet, so he must be dong something right! Hey, you still doing the whole “blazing light among Pokémon, sorceress supreme” thing?
Ruby: Uh… actually it’s “fiery jewel among Pokémon” now.
Lavoisier: Fiery-? Oh, because of your name! That’s good, sis! That really works for you!
Ruby: Yes, yes, my incandescent brilliance is evident to all who gaze upon my glorious visage, et cetera. We have business to discuss, Lavoisier. You said you have a new lead on-
Lavoisier: Oh, come on, Ruby, it’s always business with you; aren’t you a little happy just to see me? I’ve missed you!
Ruby: I… yes. [Softening] Yes, I suppose it is… good to see you too… brother.
Lavoisier: There, was that really so hard?
Spruce: Wait… how can the two of you be…?
Lavoisier: Oh, hey! Aren’t you gonna introduce me to your friends, sis?
Ruby: They are my servants, and… yes. I suppose so. Lavoisier, this is Spruce, Melissa, Luna, and… um… you. The… the Psyduck with the insane fossil cult. Angler.
Fisher: Fisher, my lady.
Ruby: Yeah, whatever. Everyone, this is Lavoisier. My… brother.
Luna: Which brings us back to a certain burning question, and the temptation of a deliciously scandalous answer.
Ruby: [rolls eyes] Not biologically. We grew up together.
Luna: Oh… how prosaic.
Lavoisier: We were both raised on a farm that specialised in training Fire-type starter Pokémon for the League.
Ruby: And that is all anyone needs to know about that. Lavoisier?
Lavoisier: Yeah, yeah, I know; business. Come on; I gotta show you something. Over here. Feast your eyes on… this.
Melissa: A… jewel?
Luna: A Mega Stone. Worth several fortunes, unless I’m much mistaken… to the right discerning buyer. Who’d you kill for it?
Lavoisier: Wha- I didn’t kill them!
Luna: Hmph. Then you ripped them off.
Ruby: So this is the source of magical energy your last message mentioned? And you think I can make some use of it?
Lavoisier: Sorceress supreme, right? Here, take it. D’you feel anything?
Ruby: I… definitely feel something… there’s power in this gem, all right.
Lavoisier: Think you can tap it?
Ruby: I… believe so. Yes… Yes, it should be simple enough for one of my majesty to… reach in and…
Luna: Well, that was entertaining. I think I made a wise decision by joining you.
Spruce: The lab is in ruins! People died!
Luna: I know. It was hilarious.
Bulbasaur: IT BURNS! WHY!? WHYYYY!?
Fisher: Stand still, my good fellow! How am I to bestow the benediction of soothing holy water upon you if you will not stop running around screaming?
Spruce: And the- the pillars of blue fire-! The black vortex of exploding death! How is it even possible for fire to suck people in like that!?
Luna: I do believe it ranks among my all-time top five infernos. It’s going to be difficult for her to beat that.
Spruce: …you’re a sick little cat, you know that?
Luna: Funny, that is precisely what my parents said just as I-
Spruce: DIDN’T ASK; DON’T WANT TO KNOW.
Melissa: [calling] We got her out! Over here!
Spruce: How is she?
Lavoisier: Pretty sure she’s fine, physically; the constant gouts of hellfire exploding from every inch of her skin must have cushioned her from all the falling rubble. She’s just, uh… a little dazed, I think. Nothing a stop at the Pokémon Centre won’t fix. I think I’ll hold onto the Mega Stone though…
Ruby: Wooooo… pretty lights…
Spruce: Are you sure she’s all right?
Ruby: ‘m Barney the Bulbasaur I am, wondrous warlock among Pokémon…
Lavoisier: …I’ve seen her worse.
Squirtle: Mr. Lavoisier! Sir!
Lavoisier: ‘zat the damage report? Well, hand it over! …ah, $#!t.
Spruce: What is it?
Lavoisier: Uh… put it this way… I may have a job for you guys.
Luna: And what are you paying?
Lavoisier: I, uh… was sorta hoping I could sort that out with Ruby once she’s… coherent…
Ruby: Flyyyyyyy, my pretties…
Luna: Well, you’re not dealing with Ruby right now; you’re dealing with us-
Spruce: [glaring at Luna] And we’re happy to help however we can.
Luna: [barely audible grumbling]
Lavoisier: Okay, so, the thing is… we were sort of holding a very powerful Kadabra who brainwashed his trainer and went on a killing spree. And he kind of escaped in the explosion and headed off in the direction of route 5. And I really need all my people here to fix this place up.
Luna: Oh! So you need us to murder him!
Lavoisier: Um. I wouldn’t’ve put it quite like that.
Fisher: Fear not, my friend! Our group shall bring this villain to justice!
Lavoisier: Yeah, okay, that… that sounds a bit better.
Fisher: Like lightning from the thunderous wings of the Archangel, we shall smite him in the name of the Helix and cast him down to the fiery pits of the Dome!
Lavoisier: Uh… yes. Good.
Melissa: We should get going; we need to go to the Pokémon Centre with Ruby before we can leave! Come on!
Lavoisier: Um… excuse me, Pidgey? Er, Spruce, right? Could I have a word before you go?
Spruce: Of course; what is it?
Lavoisier: Look, I know Ruby can be… overbearing, and callous, and maybe seem a little dangerous… or a lot dangerous… but, like… she’s following her dreams. I mean… okay, her dream is to conquer the world with forgotten magic and enslave all who oppose her, but you can’t make an omelette without, uh… y’know what I’m saying? Besides… she’s family. I guess what I’m trying to say is… look out for her for me, would’ja?
Spruce: …yeah. Yeah, sure. Of course I will.
Chris: So, uh… you were saying… about your research on Mega Evolution…
Sycamore: [points to the remains of the door] Get the hell out of my house.
Ruby the Fynx (Fennekin)
Female, Bold nature, level 13, Großbrand (Blaze)
Kratzer (Scratch), Rutenschlag (Tail Whip), Glut (Ember), Jauler (Howl)
Spruce the Taubsi (Pidgey)
Male, Rash nature, level 13, Adlerauge (Keen Eye)
Tackle, Sandwirbel (Sand Attack), Windstoß (Gust), Ruckzuckhieb (Quick Attack)
Melissa the Bibor (Beedrill)
Female, Jolly nature, level 12, Hexaplaga (Swarm)
Giftstachel (Poison Sting), Plage (Infestation), Härtner (Harden), Furienschlag (Fury Attack – okay, this one sounds way better in German)
Fisher the Enton (Psyduck)
Male, Brave nature, level 12, Wolke Sieben (Cloud Nine)
Aussetzer (Disable), Kratzer (Scratch), Rutenschlag (Tail Whip), Aquaknarre (Water Gun)
Luna the Eneco (Skitty)
Female, Impish nature, level 12, Charmebolzen (Cute Charm)
Tackle, Rutenschlag (Tail Whip), Gesang (Sing), Anziehung (Attract)
Bodkin the Dartiri (Fletchling)
Male, Careful nature, level 12, Brustbieter (Big Pecks)
Tackle, Heuler (Growl), Ruckzuckhieb (Quick Attack), Schnabel (Peck)
Lavoisier the Glumanda (Charmander)
Male, Relaxed nature, level 12, Großbrand (Blaze)
Kratzer (Scratch), Heuler (Growl), Glut (Ember), Rauchwolke (Smokescreen)
Note on my starter selection at Sycamore’s lab, since my choice probably requires some explanation: I didn’t want a Squirtle because I already had Fisher, or a Charmander because I already had Ruby (not to mention Bodkin, if necessary), or a Bulbasaur because I had one on my last game, so I decided beforehand that this character would be Ruby’s ‘contact’ who feeds her information and quests and such, then let a random number generator decide which Pokémon I would pick. Something similar will probably happen when I have to pick a fossil in the Glittering Cave.
Also: a Rare Candy in German is called a Sonderbonbon! Why does anyone play this game in English?