Category: ???

. asks:

What do you think of Toucannon’s anger, both from an aesthetic and character standpoint?

Well, I think it… looks angry?

I don’t know, it has this really surly, grumpy look to it, like it hasn’t slept in days and has just been asked to submit its budget report a week early, but I don’t think it’s actually described or portrayed as an unusually angry Pokémon.  The Pokédex even references the fact that it’s seen as a good Pokémon to have at an Alolan wedding ceremony because it mates harmoniously for life.  So, I actually think under its gruff exterior it might be a sweet perfect cinnamon roll.

Squidward Tentacles asks:

Who would win in a fight? Your vastly superior intellect, or all the Gen V Pokemon sentenced to cruel, horrible deaths all those years ago?

Oh, I would get destroyed.  This brain of mine?  This is an ideas brain; moreover, this is a humanities brain.  I’m not going to go all Home Alone on this $#!t; I’m just going to stand there, pompously explaining to them that criticism is part of the network of social relationships that give art its meaning, that a thorough understanding of a work’s flaws can actually deepen a sincere appreciation of it, and that we all have a responsibility to be critical of the media we consume, while they… y’know, variously incinerate, lacerate, electrify, putrefy, pulverise, exorcise, freeze and disembowel me.

Name (required) asks:

So with Q-Fusion Hyper Abilities being a thing in gen VIII, how do you think they will impact the metagame?

Well, it was certainly a bold choice to give such a significant buff to all Pokémon with the letter q in their English names, but frankly it’s a pretty short list, and if you manage to fit two of those Pokémon onto your team, and manage to spend a turn fusing them, you deserve to get the ridiculous hyper-abilities.  Rayquaza would probably still prefer to mega-evolve than Q-fuse, but most of the others seem really powerful, and the beneficiaries are mostly Pokémon who haven’t gotten a whole lot of attention in the past.  Nidoquanid should be a powerhouse with Q-BubbleForce turning all its best attacks into super-powered dual-type Water versions that bypass immunity abilities.  Vespiqwilfish can stall forever since Q-Presstimidation drops the opponent’s attack stats every time they try to hurt you.  Eviolite Tranquilladin being immune to Flying attacks (as well as truly a ridiculous number of other things) thanks to Q-BigPecksProof makes it a really interesting counter to a lot of Pokémon.  Eviolite Squilava’s Q-FlashFireDish lets it heal not just from using Fire attacks or even being hit by Fire attacks, but from being in Sunny Day, or being in the party while someone else uses Fire attacks, or even just thinking about fire (and I admit it does seem a little excessive that the game will upgrade your Switch with a brain-scan capability just to facilitate this effect, but the flavour/design justification is so good that in my opinion it’s absolutely worth it).

Honestly these things are going to totally run away with the entire game if J-Armour GigaTech Moves turn out not to be the hard counter they’re supposed to be.

N asks:

What pokémon do you think best represents each social media site (Facebook, Twitter, Tumbler)

uh

Well, Twitter is Chatot, right?  It’s a useless annoying bird that never shuts up and has appalling political opinions.

Facebook is Audino; it hears everything, and although it means well, it’s complicit in a vast system of oppression with horrifying global consequences that are beyond its ability to understand or control.

MySpace is clearly Lileep, because it’s an extinct vegetable with no personality.

Obviously Instagram is Smeargle; it’s obsessed with pictures and looks really interesting but is actually useless.

And Snapchat must be Minior, because it’s flashy and attention-grabbing but only lasts a few minutes.

Tinder… I think Tinder is Heatmor, because it seems like a good way to light a spark, but is actually clunky, mechanical and inexplicably covered in ants.

Now fµ¢£ing Grindr, Grindr is Morelull – it’s a Fairy-type mushroom that constantly flashes at you and really isn’t as big as it thinks it is.

4chan is Spiritomb; it has a hundred and eight distinct souls, but unfortunately all of them are awful.

Which means Tumblr has to be Garbodor.  It’s literal fµ¢£ing garbage from hell and really should have been set on fire a long time ago, but people love it anyway because it accepts them for who they are.

Squidward Tentacles asks:

I’d tell you a random fact about fish, but I work with them every day. I hate them. I hate working at the Krusty Krab. I hate the nautical nonsense of a ninny that flips burgers right behind me every day.

Good day sir! I SAID good day!

Mmm.  I sympathise.  Unfortunately fish are often very stupid, and sponges, I’ve heard, are worse (though strangely proficient in fine dining and breathing).  Crabs, however, are the highest form of life in the universe, as demonstrated by the fact that evolution keeps trying to turn other animals into crabs, and you should feel honoured to work for one.  If you need something to take your mind off your coworker’s ceaseless blithering, try Jim the Editor’s randomised Kingslocke playthrough of Fire Red, now returning after an unfortunate but necessary hiatus to focus on work – or try out the rules yourself, and let me know how it goes!