X Nuzlocke, episode 6: Between a Rock and a Holy Place

Route 8

Ruby: Look, human, just give me the Holo-Caster and- good.  Thank you.  Now leave me the hell alone; I have a call to make.  Let’s see… ah; here we are…
Lavoisier: Ruby!  You look… different.
Ruby: As do you.  Evolution is treating you well, I hope?
Lavoisier: Weeeell, I’ve lost some of my boyish good looks, but I got some really sweet dragon powers, and I can reach the textbooks on the third shelf now, so I’m not gonna complain!  Anyway… what do you need?
Ruby: What do I need?  Can’t a girl place a holo-call just to chat with her little brother?
Lavoisier: …sure, but you wouldn’t.
Ruby: Mmm.  Point taken.  All right; I need more leads.  I tracked down the second Mega Stone you pointed me to, and the results were quite interesting.
Lavoisier: Interesting, as in…? [sigh] How many people died, Ruby?
Ruby: To my knowledge, the net deaths resulting from the experiment were zero.
Lavoisier: That’s… that’s a concerningly specific answer, sis.
Ruby: Would I lie?
Lavoisier: Yes.
Ruby: To you?
Lavoisier: Possibly.
Ruby: …again, point taken.  Anyway, where can I find more stones?
Lavoisier: Ruby, I have no idea.  We’ve just barely finished repairing the lab, and we’ve been having… other problems.  Disappearances, and… Look, hunting for references to the location of Mega Stones is just not something I have time for right now.
Ruby: Hmm.  That’s unfortunate.  You haven’t heard rumours about any other sorcerous artefacts, have you?  I could always return to Lumiose City and take a look at your library myself, I suppose…
Lavoisier: [alarmed] No!  Uh… I mean… no, there’s no need for that.  I, uh… if you want to pursue information on the Mega Stones yourself, you… could go to Geosenge Town.  I guess.
Ruby: The hick town up north?  Why?
Lavoisier: Well, I used to sort of know a couple of Pokémon who are there at the moment and… could help you.  Maybe.  Experts on the Mega Stones, who know a lot more than me about what they’re actually for.
Ruby: We know what they’re for.  They’re incredible sources of arcane power.
Lavoisier: Okay, but you know you’re supposed to use them together with your human, right?
Ruby: What, that idiot? [points at Chris] If that primate gets his hands on anything remotely resembling a magical artefact, he’ll vaporise himself in seconds.  I wouldn’t terribly mind that, of course, except that there’s a good chance he would take me with him.
Lavoisier: I… see.  Well, you could at least try Geosenge Town.  Look for two Lucario.  Their names are Amaldos and Lelanthion.
Ruby: I suppose that will have to do.  It’s better than nothing, anyway.
Lavoisier: You’re welcome, Ruby.

Continue reading “X Nuzlocke, episode 6: Between a Rock and a Holy Place” →

I’m the dude responsible for the “waifu” question. Sorry for not offering an explanation of the term; it had certainly occurred to me that you might be unfamiliar with it, but honestly, was it too much trouble to simply Google “waifu?” Anyways, the gist of what I was asking was, “what [human] Pokémon character (female OR male, of course) do you find most attractive?” And if you happen to be asexual and/or aromantic, then which one would you like to at least be acquainted with in real life?

I… did Google “waifu.”  It… it didn’t really help.

But yeah, um.  I’m normally into dudes but honestly it never really occurred to me to rate any Pokémon characters in terms of their attractiveness.  Since you bring it up I guess anime Cilan would be kinda chill to hang out with.  I would eventually smack him over the head with a frying pan when I got sick of his constant goddamn food puns but until then we would bake together which would be nice.

Having said that I do unashamedly ship Ash and Richie in defiance of all logic and common sense.

As an academic-in-training, what pokemon do you think you would benefit most from befriending in real life and why?

Well, I’ve been asked a couple of times which Pokémon I would most like to have in real life, and my usual answer – Claydol – was chosen at least partially because I think it’d be really handy to have on an archaeological dig.  I think Claydol would still be my first choice, but since you asked, and that’s a bit of a cop-out, let’s pick another one.  Hmm.  How about Xatu?  I pick Xatu solely for her ability to see into the past.  This would almost certainly not work as advertised, and would be far more complicated and fallible than one might hope, even assuming Xatu is able to communicate her visions effectively to humans.  On the other hand, she can see into the past.  It almost doesn’t even matter what conditions there are on that ability; it’s still a totally new perspective from which to derive information about past people and cultures.  As far as I’m concerned, that’s a win, even if it takes decades to figure out a way to ensure the information’s reliability.

Where, if at all, does Pokemon conquest and the Ransei region fit within pokecanon, in your opinion?

Well, since I’ve never actually played Pokémon Conquest it’s probably wisest to take anything I have to say on the subject with a grain of salt (or perhaps a whole shaker).  Having said that, I think the presence of Mewtwo in that game (along with various other legendary Pokémon whose roles in the game conflict with their roles elsewhere in the franchise) makes it difficult to interpret the story as being historical in a straightforward sense – that is, I don’t think we’re supposed to imagine that these events literally happened in the past of either the main series of games or the anime.  More to the point, I’m given to understand that the game offers multiple ‘campaigns’ or storylines, which don’t necessarily fit together in any coherent fashion, so it doesn’t even have its own ‘canon,’ really.  I do think you can reasonably interpret it as “this is more or less what Pokémon training in a feudal setting would have been like.” The specific events are basically ahistorical, but the world and the society in which they take place – with their feuding warlords and mighty warriors who fight alongside their Pokémon – are not.  If that makes sense.

Alternatively you could take it as, like, a bizarre post-apocalyptic future with civilisation being slowly rebuilt along feudal lines.  Or something.

In Super Smash Bros., Lucario’s most unique mechanic is that its attack power is directly proportional to the amount of damage it’s taken, attributed in-game to its aura. No such ability actually exists within the main Pokémon games (the closest analogue would be abilities such as Overgrow, etc.), let alone for Lucario, but do you think it would be beneficial for it to be implemented in the games to make Lucario more unique? Perhaps make it its Mega Evolution ability?

Hrrm.  Well, to be perfectly honest, I don’t think Lucario particularly needs all that much more in the way of uniqueness.  Aura Sphere is already a very rare and unusual thing, and makes Lucario one of only five non-legendary Pokémon in the game with a good Fighting-type special attack (no, Focus Miss does not count), and one of only two to get the same-type attack bonus for it.  He has a type combination shared only with Cobalion, and his Mega form already has an amazing ability.  From the other side, well, I don’t really know anything about Super Smash Bros., but Pokémon already has techniques that get stronger when you take damage – Reversal, Flail, Endeavour – which are fairly widely distributed.  In fact, Riolu (and by extension Lucario) actually can learn Reversal, and even gets STAB.  Those moves just don’t get used very much – by Lucario, or anyone else – because one-on-one fights in Pokémon, particularly with a relatively fragile character like Lucario, tend to be fairly quick, brutal affairs, and it’s difficult to control how low your health gets.  So… eh.  I’m not really sold on it.

Himmel, Arceus und Zwirn

I have learned something amazing and vitally important as I blunder my way through a German playthrough of Pokémon: X Version, defiantly refusing to acknowledge that my German is terrible.

There is a German expression, “Himmel, Arsch und Zwirn,” which literally means “heaven, arse and thread,” and is an old-fashioned and comparatively gentle expression of frustration or dismay – something like the German equivalent of “oh, gosh darn it,” which I really quite like.  What is truly beautiful is that in the Pokémon world, they apparently say “Himmel, Arceus und Zwirn” – the phrase is used by Sky Trainers when you refuse their invitation to a Sky Battle (a Himmelskampf).  Partly, I love this because it means that the official German translators are apparently willing to do something that, in English, I’m pretty sure only occurs in fan fiction: take the name of Arceus in vain, as it were, the way we say “god damn it.”  Mostly, I love this because Arceus’ name is replacing the word “Arsch” in the phrase.  I petition for us all to spell and pronounce his name “Arscheus” from now on, as it seems like a good compromise between the forty-six different ways of pronouncing it that are out there currently.

X Nuzlocke, episode 5: Bone Wars

Route 8

Spruce: …but we should still make sure we didn’t get turned around in those caves!  I hate not being able to see the sky!
Ruby: Argh.  Fine.  If it will shut you up, I’ll ask for directions.  You there!  Meditite, Inkay!  This is the Muraille Cliff Road, is it not?  We are heading in the direction of the Glittering Caves?
Inkay: Yes on both counts, traveller, but if the caves are your destination I must advise you to rethink your plans.
Meditite: Aye, there’s a right lot o’ Barney brewin’ down there.  ‘tid be Mae if you’d just turn round and ‘ead for Pope, mate.
Ruby: I have no idea what you just said and I think I’ve somehow become stupider by hearing it.
Meditite: Wot, don’t understand me chitty?  It’s well Glenn if you keep yer Donalds open.
Inkay: [sigh] He says the Glittering Caves are dangerous and you’d be better off returning home.
Spruce: …are you sure?
Inkay: Members of Sid’s… erm… ‘order’… speak a sort of patois based on rhyme.  They claim the constant wordplay keeps their minds sharp.  We’ve known each other a few months now and I’ve… gotten used to it.
Meditite: An’ yer a right fruit for it, Rommy, even if you do waste all yer grease ‘n’ grime on starin’ at the lah-dis ‘stead o’ thinkin’ ‘bout wot’s Isle and Pete.
Spruce: Order?  Just who are you, anyway?
Inkay: Oh.  Yes, of course; where are my manners?  My name is Andromeda, and my… friend, here, is Sid Arthur.
Sid Arthur: Wotcher, mates.
Ruby: And I am Ruby the Braixen, fiery jewel among Pokémon, sorceress supreme.  Perhaps you’ve heard of me.
Sid Arthur: Aw, we don’t really ‘ear of much at all up my way, not for donkey’s.
Andromeda: Both of us are too immersed in our respective studies to keep up with current events.  I am an astronomer, and Sid is part of a monastic order of sorts, making their home in these mountains.
Sid Arthur: Aye, we be seekin’ to rid ourselves o’ corruptin’ worldly things like bees an’ ‘oney, an’ give up our Jekyll ‘n’ ‘yde to reach an ‘igher two-an’-eight.
Ruby: Yes, yes, and I’m sure you do that very well, whatever it is, but what’s this about the caves?  If you mean to stand in my way, I promise you won’t be standing for long.
Sid Arthur: ‘ere now, there ain’t no need to be so Jodie; it’s just a bit o’ friendly advice is all.  You lot’ll be son-an’-daughtered if’n you take to read-an’-writin’ wit’ those ‘eapies wot’re takin’ over down there.
Andromeda: What Sid means is… human scientists have worked in the caves for some time without troubling the inhabitants.  I have ‘spoken’ with them a few times in the course of my studies, as far as one can speak with humans, and they have always been cordial, but recently they’ve started moving in heavy machines that have been threatening the caves’ integrity and frightening the local Pokémon.
Spruce: Ruby, are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Ruby: I try not to.
Spruce: We’ve got ourselves a new quest!
Ruby: [sigh] Well, if nothing else, I can’t allow the humans to get their sweaty pink hands on my Mega Stone first… since we’re going there anyway, we may as well incinerate those responsible for this nonsense.
Sid Arthur: Oh, we don’t want no-one Simon!  The locals need ‘elp, and that’s eyes o’ blue all right, but a mince for a mince leaves the ‘ole world bacon; that’s wot I say.
Ruby: …yes.  Quite.  Come, minions.  There’s work to be done.
Andromeda: Good luck!  And be careful!
Sid Arthur: Aye, Friar Tuck to ye!
Spruce: Um… lamb shanks!
Sid Arthur: …you wot, mate?

Continue reading “X Nuzlocke, episode 5: Bone Wars” →

X Nuzlocke extra dialogue: Fisher and Luna

Regular operations (or at least, as regular as things ever are around here) will resume shortly.  In the mean time, this is just some stuff that I wrote for the Nuzlocke story that, upon reflection, doesn’t actually fit anywhere into the next proper episode – Luna the psychopathic Skitty and Fisher the Psyduck priest talking about Fisher’s devout Helicism.  There may or may not be more of these in future – it really depends entirely on whether I feel ‘inspired.’

Fisher: Lady Luna, I must say your commitment to the path of Holy Anarchy has been an inspiration to me these past days.
Luna: If you mean my facility for murder, I can only assure you it is intended purely to serve my own amusement.  Any religious epiphanies it might cause you to experience are quite incidental.
Fisher: Oh, but how could it be otherwise, my lady?  Anarchy serves no cause but its own – just as you do.  It is not through conscious effort but by following our whims, as they occur to us, that we draw closer to the will of the Blessed Helix.
Luna: So your faith, in fact, encourages wanton slaughter?
Fisher: Er… not exactly.  Not all of us experience murderous impulses quite so… prolific as yours.  But such things are a part of the Helix’s divine will, it is true.  After all, was not the Archangel born into this world in a torrent of sacrificial blood?
Luna: I can only assume that the answer to your question is ‘yes.’  Well, I suppose if nothing else your theology is… refreshing.  Although I can’t say I think much of your chances in your quest for new converts.  Kalosians are a dull bunch, for the most part.
Fisher: My lady, I hope this is not an impertinent question, but… in my faith, priests such as myself spend years, sometimes decades, meditating in the hopes that we will hear what we call… the Voices.  The manifestations of a divine will that exists beyond even the Helix.  Even the greatest masters consider themselves blessed to be able to listen to them for a minute or two at a time… I myself have only ever heard one word, the word that sent me here, to Kalos.  “Start.”
Luna: Get to the point, Fisher; it would be so dreary to have to explain to the Pidgeotto why I had sewn your beak shut with a length of your aorta.
Fisher: Er… of course, my lady.  You see, Scripture tells us too of heroes, like the legendary Red, to whom the Voices spoke clearly every minute of every day – paragons of Holy Anarchy.  I wonder… my lady, have you ever heard such things?  Have you ever felt a compulsion to… turn this world Up-Start-Down?
Luna: The only ‘voices’ I have any interest in are my own greed, cruelty and darkly whimsical sense of humour.  Begone, duck.  I am in no mood for your evangelism today.