Ruby: Look, human, just give me the Holo-Caster and- good. Thank you. Now leave me the hell alone; I have a call to make. Let’s see… ah; here we are…
Lavoisier: Ruby! You look… different.
Ruby: As do you. Evolution is treating you well, I hope?
Lavoisier: Weeeell, I’ve lost some of my boyish good looks, but I got some really sweet dragon powers, and I can reach the textbooks on the third shelf now, so I’m not gonna complain! Anyway… what do you need?
Ruby: What do I need? Can’t a girl place a holo-call just to chat with her little brother?
Lavoisier: …sure, but you wouldn’t.
Ruby: Mmm. Point taken. All right; I need more leads. I tracked down the second Mega Stone you pointed me to, and the results were quite interesting.
Lavoisier: Interesting, as in…? [sigh] How many people died, Ruby?
Ruby: To my knowledge, the net deaths resulting from the experiment were zero.
Lavoisier: That’s… that’s a concerningly specific answer, sis.
Ruby: Would I lie?
Ruby: To you?
Ruby: …again, point taken. Anyway, where can I find more stones?
Lavoisier: Ruby, I have no idea. We’ve just barely finished repairing the lab, and we’ve been having… other problems. Disappearances, and… Look, hunting for references to the location of Mega Stones is just not something I have time for right now.
Ruby: Hmm. That’s unfortunate. You haven’t heard rumours about any other sorcerous artefacts, have you? I could always return to Lumiose City and take a look at your library myself, I suppose…
Lavoisier: [alarmed] No! Uh… I mean… no, there’s no need for that. I, uh… if you want to pursue information on the Mega Stones yourself, you… could go to Geosenge Town. I guess.
Ruby: The hick town up north? Why?
Lavoisier: Well, I used to sort of know a couple of Pokémon who are there at the moment and… could help you. Maybe. Experts on the Mega Stones, who know a lot more than me about what they’re actually for.
Ruby: We know what they’re for. They’re incredible sources of arcane power.
Lavoisier: Okay, but you know you’re supposed to use them together with your human, right?
Ruby: What, that idiot? [points at Chris] If that primate gets his hands on anything remotely resembling a magical artefact, he’ll vaporise himself in seconds. I wouldn’t terribly mind that, of course, except that there’s a good chance he would take me with him.
Lavoisier: I… see. Well, you could at least try Geosenge Town. Look for two Lucario. Their names are Amaldos and Lelanthion.
Ruby: I suppose that will have to do. It’s better than nothing, anyway.
Lavoisier: You’re welcome, Ruby.
Boreas: …I feel once again thy stare, Fisher. Why fixest thou thine eyes upon me?
Fisher: Oh! Forgive me, radiant one. I didn’t mean to disturb you. I will take my leave.
Boreas: Nay, hold. Prithee, I would speak at thee. Thou speak’st as though thou art in awe of my very person. Art thou… courting me?
Fisher: Am I…? Oh! Oh, good heavens, no! Nothing of the kind!
Boreas: Truth be known, t’would not be altogether distasteful if thou wert! Propriety would demand I refuse thine advances, of course, for my tyrant surely no longer lives to give his consent to such a union, but t’would be most flattering.
Fisher: Er… thank you for… looking to spare my feelings, but no, I assure you, that is not at all why I am so attentive towards you.
Boreas: Then wherefore, beakèd one? I am aware I stand as testament to the might of thy mistress’ sorcery, but thy companions are not nearly so solicitous as thee.
Fisher: Radiant one, you are so much more than that! You are a holy being, a symbol not only of my lady’s power, but of the divine providence of the Helix, by whose will your remains were preserved!
Boreas: …holy? Divine? And the… the Helix? I… I fear thy words are strange to me. Of what dost thou speak?
Fisher: Ah, of course; you come from a time when all was suffused with His glorious light, and His blessed children swam in the seas as numerous as Magikarp. Such things are so much a part of your essence and your world that to have words for them seems meaningless to you! Simply think of everything from your own time that is absent in ours, and what I mean by divinity shall reveal itself to you!
Fisher: Ah… perhaps I might have… phrased that a little more delicately…
Boreas: That will be all, Fisher. Leave me, if thou wouldst.
Cyllage City Gym
Ruby: …okay, I’ll bite. Why are we here?
Merneith: Because of the inherently oppressive nature of the human-Pokémon interaction dynamic that glorifies-
Ruby: Right, right, that; shut up.
Dwebble: Ah… excuse me! Excuse me! You, um… you aren’t here to challenge the Gym, are you?
Ruby: For some reason that remains opaque to me, yes. Apparently we are.
Dwebble: Oh! You mustn’t! Our Leader’s new Pokémon- oh, I don’t know where they came from or what they want but they’re bad news! They’re so brutal, and- oh, you just can’t!
Yvonne: What kind of Pokémon are zese, little crab, zat terrhify you so?
Dwebble: They- they’re like nothing I’ve ever seen! One of them is all jaws and gnashing teeth, and the other one is- [gasp] AAHHH! ANOTHER ONE!
Boreas: Dost thou- fear me? I mean thee no harm, good sir!
Dwebble: They’re takin’ over! I’m grabbing my human and getting the hell out of here! SO LONG, CYLLAGE CITY GYM!
Boreas: ‘tis as though he were by some devil or spectre possessèd… milady, if another of my kind lives, I must know! Prithee let us hurry within!
Ruby: Look, I clearly haven’t been remotely in charge of this little freak show for weeks, so yeah, whatever; you do you.
Tyrunt: Ah-HAH! More mortal victims come, that we may celebrate their demise! Amaura! Ready thyself for the dance, sirrah!
Amaura: [sigh] At thy command, my tyrant…
Tyrunt: Wretched mortals, by magic beyond your earthly ken we are risen, and shall reclaim this world, be it ever so unworthy! The stone, the great lavender stone, hath given new voice to my stifled majesty, that it might sing, and partake anew in the joy of slaughter!
Ruby: Hmm. Net deaths, negative two. Take that, Lavoisier!
Yvonne: Zis is your doing, zen? Zey too are ze prhoducts of your most rhecent… indiscrhetion?
Ruby: What else? I’m surprised they beat us to Cyllage City, though… or maybe the stone’s effect had a wider range than I realised. Hmm. The sooner I get more to play with, the better. Anyway. You there… um… whatever you are. I am Ruby the Braixen, fiery jewel among Pokémon, sorceress supreme, and it is I who restored you to life! You will cease your deranged ramblings, and pledge yourself to me!
Tyrunt: HAHAHA! Thy protests signify naught, mortal witch! Thou knowest not what thy dabbling hast summonèd! I bow to none!
Ruby: [shrug] Well, I’ve done all I can do. Spruce?
Spruce: Are you kidding!? They’re Rock-types; I can’t fight them!
Merneith: And I refuse to buy into the circle of violence that typifies-
Ruby: No-one asked; shut up.
Boreas: Soft! Thou, Tyrunt… forsooth, thou art known to me! Thou wast the tyrant of the Silver Coast in our time! What madness hath seized thee, that thou wouldst seek the deaths of all?
Tyrunt: Madness? Nay, but rather new enlightenment! These mortal creatures infest our world and must be purged. Know thy place as does thy kinsman, caitiff, and align thee to our faction forthwith!
Boreas: Wouldst thou have me name myself enemy of all that live? Nay, the memory of our old world and my place in it is not worth the death of this new one. I would fain stand against thee!
Fisher: This hunger, this will to dominate and destroy – the touch of the Dome is surely upon this one!
Ruby: I don’t know; I can kinda see where he’s coming from.
Fisher: Radiant one, I am at your side. Let us smite them, in the Helix’s name!
Boreas: Thou knowest my name; prithee use it, and speakest thou no more this prattle of ‘radiance’! But… I thank thee. To war, then, and valour attend us!
Amaura: My life for my tyrant!
Fisher: Your life is your own! By Holy Anarchy, you shall be set free in defeat! WATER PULSE!
Amaura: Aagh! Alack; I am undone!
Tyrunt: Hmph. So be it; the mortals shall be crushed by mine own jaws!
Fisher: Back! Back, damn you, in the name of the Helix!
Boreas: Aroint thee, cur! By the light of the aurora!
Tyrunt: Your strength fails ye, fools! Die!
Boreas: Such might-! Brave companions, get ye to our aid!
Ruby, Spruce and Merneith: Uh…
Yvonne: Hmph. Typical. Ah suppose zis could be turned to mah advantage… Allons-y!
Tyrunt: HAH! What art thou, mortal? Some quivering sack of lard?
Yvonne: Zis ‘sack of lard’ shall be your doom. Be’old, mah grheatest technique! [glances at Spruce] Close your eyes, plumeau. Ah mean it zis time.
Spruce: CLOSING MY EYES, LOOKING AWAY, HIDING BEHIND A ROCK
Yvonne: Parfait. [exhales sharply]
Tyrunt: What!? What is- such force! Sirrah, I cannot maintain my footing! Assist me! Argh! [falls over] How-!? Wha- AAAAAAAHH! [schoomp]
Ruby, Spruce, Fisher, Merneith and Boreas: [horrified silence]
Chris: Um. She, uh. She hasn’t done that before. Um. That I’ve noticed.
Grant: It, um. It… may have been for the best. He was… a little uncontrollable. Or, uh… maybe a lot uncontrollable. Kinda bossed Amaura around a lot.
Chris: So… badge, then?
Grant: If you promise to speak of this to no one.
Chris: I won’t if you won’t.
Spruce: But how did you suck him into your stomach by yawning? Shouldn’t you have… like… inhaled him into your lungs, or…?
Yvonne: Ah am a Gulpin; ah ‘ave but one internal organ worth mentioning, and zat is mah stomach. It is infinitely more efficient zan your clumsy digestive trhacts, and serves also as mah ‘eart, lungs, liver and a supplementarhy brhain.
Spruce: That… that actually explains a lot.
Yvonne: Ah will now digest ze scaled chicken over ze course of a week or so, per’aps metabolise certain of ‘is prhoteins and oils for new potions, and zen rhegurgitate ze less palatable parts of ‘is body. ‘is complete skeleton will command an imprhessive sum on ze black market.
Spruce: …too much information.
Yvonne: ‘owever, Ah would like to find somewhere dark and quiet to sleep for much of zat time. Ah believe Ah will ‘ave to leave you at ze next ‘uman settlement.
Spruce: OH THANK ARC- um, I mean… We’ll… be sad to see you go. I’ll, uh… miss your…
Yvonne: Condescension and sarcasm?
Spruce: Yeah. That.
Ruby: Quiet, minions. There are humans up ahead. It looks like they’re… taking magnetic field measurements around those standing stones…
Merneith: Those uniforms-! Team Flare! They’re the ones behind introducing gluten products to my home!
Spruce: Uh… and kidnapping all of those Pokémon, right?
Merneith: Mmm? Yeah, and that too! Some of those Pokémon were good vegetarians!
Ruby: All right, but don’t do anything ridiculous that would alert them. There’s more to gain by-
Merneith: HEY! WHEAT IS POISON, YOU BUNCH OF PAPRIKA-FLAVOURED GOONS!
Ruby: …or we charge in and murder them; whatever…
Houndour: What!? You again!? I don’t know how you followed us here, but you bunch of cutthroats won’t derail our work!
Spruce: We’ll see about that! What are you planning? Where have you taken your prisoners from the Glittering Caves?
Houndour: Those Pokémon have the honour of serving a glorious purpose. Our masters work only towards the greater good. The beauty of this world shall be maintained, and life shall reign eternal!
Golett: Assessment: hostiles detected.
Houndour: Aww, hell; that’s torn it.
Golett: Action: summoning additional guardians. Threat: leave, intruders, or be nullified.
Houndour: Argh! This place’ll be swarming with them in minutes. Retreat! Find your humans and return to base immediately! [to Ruby] Your day of reckoning will come, sorceress. Xerneas willing, I will visit judgement upon you myself.
Merneith: GET BACK HERE, CARNIVORE SCUM! HOW CAN YOU EVEN LIVE WITH YOURSELF, SURVIVING OFF THE DEATHS OF OTHER BEINGS!?
Golett: Assessment: additional interlopers. Allegiance unknown. Threat level unknown. Query: identify.
Ruby: I am Ruby the Braixen, fiery jewel among Pokémon, sorceress supreme! Perhaps you’ve heard of- oh, who am I kidding?
Golett: Response: unknown. Analysis of humour or ‘kidding’ is not this unit’s function. Query: state your business.
Spruce: Ah… we’re just… passing through. Actually, those other people… they’re our enemies too. We don’t want any trouble.
Golett: Assessment: acceptable. Threat: any hostile action shall be detected and nullified. Statement: move through this area quickly and peacefully, and no hostilities shall take place.
Spruce: …gotcha. Um. Who are you?
Golett: Designation: Pygmalion. Identity: Golett, alpha class. Function: guardian. Status: operational, minor damage, minor fatigue.
Boreas: Guardian? What dost thou guard?
Pygmalion: Response: this unit shall guard the standing stones of the area designated ‘Menhir Trail.’
Boreas: The stones? Wherefore?
Pygmalion: Response: sanctity shall be maintained.
Ruby: It’s an automaton, fuelled by human magic. It doesn’t know anything beyond what it’s specifically been told by its creator.
Pygmalion: Response: negative. This unit is powered by the soul of a deceased Pokémon. This unit is capable of learning and inductive reasoning.
Ruby: Oh. Well. Glad to hear it. And have you… inducted anything about what those intruders were doing? The humans wearing red?
Pygmalion: Conjecture: humans are short-lived. Maintenance of sanctity permits accumulation of life energy. Desecration would release energy. Human lifespan might be extended. Corollary: this unit is a guardian. Metaphysics is not this unit’s function.
Spruce: Well… whatever they’re up to, it can’t be good. So… keep up the good work, I guess!
Pygmalion: Response: affirmative. Reminder: move through this area quickly and peacefully, and no hostilities shall take place.
Fisher: I… sense our presence here is not particularly appreciated. We should move on, friends. I’ve no wish to desecrate some rival church’s holy ground.
Yvonne: ‘ere is where Ah leave you. Ah would wish you luck, but it is clear you all ‘ave it in abundance, to ‘ave made it zis far without being eviscerhated.
Spruce: Thanks! I… I think. Good luck to you too!
Yvonne: …merci beaucoup, plumeau. Take care on ze rhoad. Zis world is not kind to ze naïve.
Ruby: Right, spread out, you lot. We’re looking for two Lucario. Or… just go and convert people or buy herbal snake oil or whatever it is you idiots do with your spare time.
Merneith: I do not use snake oil. The cruelty to the snakes far outweighs the health benefits.
Ruby: Yes, yes; I don’t actually care. Anyway, Lucario are never hard to find, especially in a dinky little hick town like this. Bunch of irritating, sanctimonious do-gooders.
Spruce: Is… is wanting to do good… bad?
Ruby: It is if you never bloody shut up about it.
Fisher: Ah… my lady… I believe you are correct. They are not difficult to find at all. There, by the town gates… [points]
Ruby: Hmm. Well, that was even easier than I expected. You! Lucario! I am Ruby the Braixen, fiery jewel among Pokémon, sorceress supreme! Perhaps you’ve heard of me!
Lucario 1: [to Lucario 2] A fire in a library will cause us to lose our way, but a fire in a lighthouse will help us find it.
Lucario 2: The same principle often holds in the case of watercress.
Lucario 1: Too true.
Ruby: You are Amaldos and Lelanthion, correct?
Lucario 1: A being speaks to us and expects an answer.
Lucario 2: The river has a mouth but never speaks.
Lucario 1: It knows our names.
Lucario 2: I know only that I know nothing.
Ruby: [clears throat] I’m hunting for Mega Stones to increase my power. I’ve been told you might know where I can find them.
Amaldos: Clarity of purpose may hide a corruption of the mind.
Lelanthion: Seven blind men describe a Donphan, and think it is a Rapidash that has been put behind the cart it draws.
Amaldos: Unless we are blind as well, and know not what the cart is filled with.
Lelanthion: In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is blindest of all. Madness afflicts the senses. We know that well. A test! A test to see whether clarity conceals delusion!
Amaldos: Yes, a test of limits! [to Ruby] Absolute corruption yields absolute power! Show these corrupted minds what power truly is, blinded one! METAL SOUND!
Ruby: What the-!? AAAARGH! How dare you-!? FIRE SPIN!
Lelanthion: Shadows dance on the wall, and we blind men have only the warmth of the light on our skin to feel by!
Amaldos: But if this one casts a longer shadow, then should we not seek after its source?
Ruby: Are you fighting me or just shouting nonsense at each other!?
Lelanthion: Place me between two pools of water and I will gladly die to spite my thirst for its insolence!
Ruby: ARGH! You want madness? Here! PSYBEAM!
Merneith: Um. Shouldn’t we help her?
Spruce: No, stay back. This is something Ruby has to do for herself.
Ruby: What the HELL gave you that idea!?
Spruce: Uh. I just thought… with all that stuff about testing limits…
Ruby: GET OVER HERE!
Lelanthion: Enough! Our shadows follow us everywhere, but are gone when night falls. Discretion is the better part of valour.
Amaldos: But the lesser part of curiosity.
Lelanthion: Then come, and we shall kill some cats to satisfy you. A clock ticks just as fast, no matter the phase of the moon.
Amaldos: And a sundial casts its shadow regardless of the tides.
Ruby: Hey! Where do you think you’re going!? I’m not finished with you!
Amaldos: Find us through the looking glass, ephemeral one, and see your own reflection through our eyes! We await you in Shalour City!
Chris: So you have no idea why your Lucario is so interested in me and Ruby?
Korrina: [shrug] Aura stuff.
Chris: What does that… mean?
Korrina: Honestly? I’m pretty sure it means Lucario are just weird. Anyway, you should totally come see us in Shalour City! Laters!
Ruby: Oh, for goodness’ sake; I turn my back for one moment and the idiot is fighting a Machoke. What is he even doing?
Boreas: Milady, Spruce merely doth respond to a cry of distress. The smaller creature there was verily in dire straits. Thou shouldst count thyself fortunate to have such a noble Pokémon in thy service.
Spruce: Away with you! Get back! GUST!
Machoke: Argh! Fine! I’ll leave the Nidorino alone.
Spruce: Damn straight! And maybe next time you’ll pick on someone your own size! [to Nidorino] Are you all right? Who are you?
Nidorino: Martial… I am Martial. And my life is yours.
Spruce: M-mine? What?
Martial: You have saved my life, Pidgeotto, and it now belongs to you. Honour demands that I serve you until I have saved your life, and my debt is repaid.
Spruce: Uh… there’s… um… there’s really no need for that; I was happy just to-
Martial: Please, do not spurn me so! There is no greater stain on one’s honour than to have one’s life debt refused!
Spruce: Uh… there is?
Martial: Indeed. I promise you, my skills as a warrior will surely be a great asset, and I will bring no disrepute upon your company!
Spruce: Um. To be honest, you bringing disrepute upon us is… actually the least of my worries.
Ruby: Oh, just accept the debt, Spruce. Now you’ve got a minion of your own to act as cannon fodder. Fling him out first in a difficult fight, and he’ll die for you and hopefully soak up a few energy blasts or something in the process.
Spruce: D-die for me!?
Martial: [gravely] If it must be so. Honour commands it.
Ruby the Rutena (Braixen)
Female, Bold nature, level 27, Großbrand (Blaze)
Kratzer (Scratch), Psystrahl (Psybeam), Nitroladung (Flame Charge), Feuerwirbel (Fire Spin)
Spruce the Tauboga (Pidgeotto)
Male, Rash nature, level 27, Adlerauge (Keen Eye)
Windhose (Twister), Daunenreigen (Featherdance), Windstoß (Gust), Ruckzuckhieb (Quick Attack)
Fisher the Enton (Psyduck)
Male, Brave nature, level 26, Wolke Sieben (Cloud Nine)
Aussetzer (Disable), Dunkelklaue (Shadow Claw), Konfusion, Aquawelle (Water Pulse)
Merneith the Ganovil (Sandile)
Female, Bashful nature, level 26, Hochmut (Moxie)
Biss (Bite), Lehmschelle (Mud Slap), Felsgrab (Rock Tomb), Sandgrab (Sand Tomb)
Boreas the Amarino (Amaura)
Male, Mild nature, level 26, Frostschicht (Refrigerate)
Natur-Kraft (Nature Power), Bodycheck (Take Down), Felsgrab (Rock Tomb), Aurorastrahl (Aurora Beam)
Martial the Nidorino (you get one guess)
Male, Brave nature, level 26, Giftdorn (Poison Point)
Energiefokus (what do you think?), Doppelkick (just pretend the p is a b), Giftschock (Venoshock), Hornattacke (you know what, everything about Martial is kind of a softball, really)
Melissa the Bibor (Beedrill)
Female, Jolly nature, level 16, Hexaplaga (Swarm)
Giftstachel (Poison Sting), Duonadel (Twineedle), Energiefokus (Focus Energy), Furienschlag (Fury Attack)