Stat Spread Adjustments

For our current state of progress on creating a new Pokémon, look here:
http://pokemaniacal.tumblr.com/post/44444376996/so-what-now
Study that post (and the comments) carefully before voting on the polls below.

I now want to see whether readers thing any adjustments to this thing’s stats and movepool (created by Thatswhatbradsaid) are called for.  Each potential change has an individual poll, and I will not change something unless fewer than 33% of people are in favour of leaving it (if multiple possible changes are offered – as in the stats poll – the most popular change will be enacted, if “no change” gets less than 33% support).  Anyway, here we go:

Turbo Wave

Squiddy has a signature move, Turbo Wave, which is effectively a special Water-type equivalent to V-Create: 180 power, 90% accuracy, reduces user’s defence, special defence and speed after use.  Should this move be toned down?

Stats

The stats given to Squiddy by Thatswhatbradsaid are actually the lowest in total of all the submissions I received.  In fact, I’ve actually seen suggestions that its defences could stand to be buffed.  Here are some options.  Obviously the number of possible permutations for this poll is enormous; I’ve tried to offer a few reasonable choices.

Movepool: various special attacks

This thing gets a lot of special attacks.  Like, I think Normal, Fighting, Flying, Psychic and Rock are the only types he doesn’t have a good special attack from (and let us not forget that there are no good Rock-type special attacks).  I don’t want to make a blanket statement on these, so I’m doing individual polls for everything questionable.  Remember, I’ll only make a change if it has at least 67% support.

I’m making the executive decision that Zap Cannon is fine since using it is so risky.  I would like to question Volt Switch separately from the other Electric attacks, however.

Movepool: Support moves

Questions have been raised about this thing’s support movepool, and since its primary role is clearly going to be sweeping anyway I’m not hugely concerned about that, but I have to wonder whether Baton Pass was totally necessary, and whether Calm Mind is thematically appropriate.

Movepool: Scald

Honestly, I think we can all agree that there’s no reason for this guy not to have Scald (I think Brad mentioned that it was an oversight?).  Still, I want to make it official, so here’s a poll.

Y’know, I’m really beginning to feel the strain of the limitations placed on this kind of collaborative project by the format of this blog…

If you had the opportunity to retcon anything in the pokemon games (you know, things like slowpoke’s evolution not actually depending on shellder, and the ridiculous incense-dependent baby pokemon) what would it be?

Well, there are a lot of evolution methods I’d want to play with; not just things like linking Slowpoke and Shellder somehow, but just stuff like tweaking a bunch of evolutionary levels, throwing in stones or taking them out, adjusting the degree of happiness required for certain Pokémon to evolve, etc.  Black and White, for instance, introduced a lot of Pokémon with really ridiculously high levels for evolution – apparently basing those levels on the points at which you first capture them in the game rather than on the relative power or rarity of the Pokémon in question, as previous games have.  This gives you absurd things like Rufflet and Vullaby evolving at level 54, Mienfoo at 50, or Pawniard at 52, when comparable Pokémon in previous games would be more likely to evolve in their high twenties to mid thirties, anything as high as 50 being previously reserved for Pokémon like Salamence and Dragonite.  I can understand the rationale for organising things this way – they don’t want you to catch these Pokémon and have them evolve almost immediately – but it results in them dragging their feet until the very end of the game, since other Pokémon have reached their final forms long ago. The reason I feel this is inappropriate is because it ties those Pokémon to specific stages of the game.  What if, in future games, designers want Rufflet or Mienfoo to be available early (for whatever reason)?  You’re faced with 30 or 40 levels of comparative uselessness on their part (it doesn’t help that they have no intermediate forms).  At least Magikarp gets it over with fairly quickly.  Slowpoke, Ponyta and Rhyhorn have to wait until 37, 40 and 42 respectively, and honestly I think anything more becomes unreasonable (and Rhyhorn, at least, is a lot stronger than most unevolved Pokémon).

Then there are a few Pokémon that are just weird – like Marill.  For Azurill to become friendly enough to evolve into Marill can easily take until level 16 or so… and then Marill evolves almost immediately into Azumarill at level 18.  I think that should really have been pushed up into the mid twenties when Azurill was released; thanks to Huge Power, Marill isn’t exactly a pushover anyway.  Alternatively, Azurill could be tweaked to evolve earlier (along with most of the other ‘baby’ Pokémon – stuff like Pichu and Igglybuff really should be evolving sooner than stuff like Eevee and Riolu).  I might also introduce a level requirement for the use of evolutionary stones (no level 2 Togekiss for you).  Take the Sun Stone and Moon Stone requirements away from Sunflora and Delcatty, so there can be a possibility of evolving them again if future designers should will it so, and maybe paste them onto someone else instead (it seems like it would make a lot of thematic sense for Gothorita to evolve into Gothitelle by using a Moon stone, for instance).  And for goodness’ sake, do something with Tyrogue’s ridiculous evolution method.  Attack > Defense —> Hitmonlee – fine.  Attack < Defense —> Hitmonchan – fine.  Attack = Defense —> Hitmontop – much harder for no good reason, and also makes no sense since Hitmontop is easily the most defensively-oriented of the lot.

And yes, why not get rid of the incense while we’re at it?  I understand the intent there; I get that they’re trying to maintain a degree of internal consistency between the games of different generations, but surely at some point we have to acknowledge that nobody actually cares?  No-one is really going to go up to Game Freak and demand an explanation as to why you couldn’t breed a Mime Jr. in Gold and Silver.  That’s what remakes are for!

Is there anything you would change about the gameplay mechanics if you could? Like would you want to add any other stats? Or maybe raise the amount of HP Pokemon get?

Well…

Can I just say “yes”?

I mean, not to either of those specifically, but just in general… yes.  If you gave me control of those games I would rip out their guts and replace them with special stardust.  To explain everything would take months.  Luckily, this is exactly what I plan to do once I finish my Black 2/White 2 playthrough story.

White 2 Playthrough Journal, episode 14: Winter is coming

As Jim and I leave the Pokémon World Tournament, arguing about its relative merits, we nearly run straight into a Team Plasma grunt, who does a double take as he passes us, visibly panics, and bolts for the Driftveil docks – just as Hugh and Cheren emerge from the tournament building.  Hugh sees the villain fleeing and is instantly ready to give chase, but his blood-curdling battle-cry is cut off when Colress appears right behind them and softly but firmly tells him to stop, warning him of the risk of tackling a powerful criminal organisation like Team Plasma and admonishing him for his recklessness.  Hugh dismisses his concerns and proclaims that if there’s any chance of finding a lead on his sister’s Purrloin he is damn well going to go for it.  Well, jeez, Hugh, that’s fine; go ahead and casually reveal, to a random scientist and a Gym Leader you don’t even like, the deep dark secret that you kept from your two closest friends for years; it’s all good.  Cheren, who was a fairly militant opponent of Team Plasma himself back in the day, supports Hugh, and they both leave for the docks.  Colress shakes his head with scorn at their overconfidence in their Pokémon.  Surely they can’t believe that friendship and trust alone can protect them from hardened criminals with Pokémon of their own?  Jim notes that a bunch of Team Plasma ruffians are unlikely to pose much of a problem for a Unova League Gym Leader; the fact that Hugh is a reasonably accomplished trainer in his own right is really just icing on the cake.  In fact, you could almost say that they probably don’t need any help.  There’s really no need for anyone else to go along at all.  Colress gives him a reproachful frown, and I point out, with a sinking sense of foreboding, that as Hugh’s dearest friends we are responsible for both his safety and, to a lesser extent, the safety of those upon whom he chooses to inflict himself.  We look at each other, sigh in unison, and reluctantly dash after Hugh and Cheren, leaving Colress quietly tutting to himself behind us.

The Team Plasma grunt seems to have disappeared into a large black sailing ship moored at a wharf near the Pokémon World Tournament – Team Plasma’s new base of operations?  Cheren and Hugh are already rushing up the gangplank after him.  We ask a nearby local whether she knows anything about the ship, and receive only the cryptic response “a ship’s not really a ship unless it’s crossing the ocean.”  We stare at her in disbelief, respond “of course it is, you nitwit,” quietly shove her into the water, and board the ship.  Hugh notes that there’s a strange coldness about this boat – and he’s right.  It’s a pleasant Spring day in Driftveil City, but there’s a chill in the air that cuts right to the bone, and we can see our breath steaming in front of us.  I glance nervously at Jim.  Reshiram and Zekrom are gone, and there’s no telling where or for how long, but wasn’t there a third legendary dragon in Unova?  One with the power to fill the air around it with a terrible supernatural cold?  Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.  I point insistently at the gangplank.  Jim shrugs helplessly and gestures to Hugh and Cheren, who have their backs to us and are looking around the deck.  I glare at him, point at our allies, firmly draw a finger across my neck, and then point at the deck beneath me before throwing my hands in the air, miming an explosion.  Jim stares incredulously, holds up four fingers, mimes sneaking, and jerks a thumb over his shoulder towards the gangplank.  I stare back, roll my eyes and hold up three fingers instead.  Jim cocks his head slightly, thinks about it and shrugs.  We turn back in the direction of the gangplank.

There’s a Team Plasma grunt standing in the way.

Well, $#!t.

Pokéballs fly non-stop for the next ten minutes.  At first, each of us has a single Team Plasma member to take care of, but this arrangement quickly proves far too simple for anyone’s taste; first I pair up with Jim and Hugh with Cheren for a pair of double battles, then we trade partners, and before long all of us become embroiled in a complex set of three intertwined rotation battles, at which point we collectively admit that the whole thing has basically become a free-for all.  I’m pretty sure that, at one point, I was partnered with two Team Plasma grunts in a triple battle against Cheren, another grunt, and my own Scolipede.  I see a Liepard, and the thought briefly flashes through my head that the Purrloin Hugh is searching for might have evolved, but I can’t get Hugh’s attention any more than I can tell whose Pokémon is whose at this point.  Someone makes an unflattering comparison between Hugh’s hair and a Qwilfish, which… actually, yeah, okay; fair call.  I am desperately trying to keep track of a quintuple rotating Contest battle when I suddenly realise that one of my opponents is, in fact, myself and frantically call for a time out, causing everyone present to collapse immediately from a combination of relief and exhaustion.

It is, I am later forced to admit, the most fun I’ve had in years.

An old man in a heavy purple robe emerges from below decks and demands to know what right we have to be snooping around on his ship.  Cheren studies his face for a moment, names him as Zinzolin, one of Rood’s former colleagues in the Seven Sages, and tells him that we have every right to investigate the activity of a notorious criminal group.  Zinzolin furiously proclaims that Team Plasma’s intent remains unchanged – to use a legendary Dragon Pokémon to rule Unova (well, that confirms it, then) – and summons the Shadow Triad to remove us.  The Shadow Triad, Team Plasma’s three magical ninjas, appear before us in a puff of smoke and begin to tell Zinzolin, “by the way, we are not your-” but he cuts them off and insists that they do this for him anyway.  Not his- underlings?  Of course; the Shadow Triad never worked for Team Plasma, N, or the Seven Sages.  They were personally loyal to Ghetsis alone – which means he’s back.  Joy of joys.  The Shadow Triad blink us off the ship, and when we regain awareness, the ship and everyone on it is gone.

Damnit; how the hell do they do that!?

Well, Hugh and Cheren are both alive, which means we’ve done our bit.  Time to continue our journey and forget about Team Plasma completely!  I’m sure everything will sort itself out in due course now that Cheren is on the case.  Besides, if Unova expects us to be socially responsible then it deserves everything it gets.  As Jim and I head back in the direction of Driftveil City proper, our eyes are drawn to a cave entrance near the Pokémon World Tournament grounds.  We question a construction worker in the area and learn that this is the north entrance to the Relic Passage, the ancient tunnel network that connects to the Castelia sewers.  The Relic Passage, Jim recalls, is inhabited by weirdoes of every conceivable shape and size, but the two of us together should be fine, and anyway it’s our duty as archaeologists to loot- er… I mean… to preserve everything we can find in the site.  The worker guarding the entrance listens patiently to our spiel about the value of the past and the importance of knowledge, before waving us through and explaining that no-one really cares about the Relic Passage anyway; he’s just stationed there so it looks like things are under control.  As we investigate the Relic Passage, we quickly develop a hypothesis about the place: the popular belief that it was built by ancient people is absolute rubbish.  The degree of organisation required to build a tunnel like this would be immense – and no-one going to that sort of effort would waste time building the kind of pointless loops and dead ends that fill the place.  Any human group capable of building something like this would be capable of building it according to a halfway sensible design.  Besides, it has none of the hallmarks of human construction.  It does seem to have been used by humans, though.  The tunnel connects the sites of Driftveil City and Castelia City – major cities are almost always built on sites that have been used before, often for millennia.  We also find an entrance to the lower levels of the Relic Castle, the site of another ancient city, though we are quickly chased away by the castle’s guardian Volcarona.  We conclude, eventually, that the Relic Passage may have started life as a series of unconnected Onix nests which were later taken over by humans and joined together, probably using captured Onix, to create an unbroken path – hence the seemingly random design (construction almost undoubtedly went through several false starts).  Resourceful, if nothing else, and seemingly indicative of extensive trade and travel between Driftveil, Castelia and the Desert Resort.  We make plans to take a few months later in the year to write an article for an archaeological journal, and move on.

We complete our trip through the Relic Passage and emerge in the Castelia sewers.  Refusing to touch the filthy ground, I command my largest Pokémon, Sansa the Ampharos, to carry me out of the sewer.  Jim rolls his eyes and follows.  When we emerge once more into the light, Jim immediately summons his Ducklett, Lydia, grabs her by the legs and holds her up in the air.  I ask him what on earth he’s doing, and he replies that he’s flying back to Driftveil City.  I protest that I don’t have a flying Pokémon yet, but he just shrugs and whistles at Lydia.  As Jim soars into the sky, dangling from Lydia’s legs like a hang-glider, I pull Daenerys’ Pokéball from my belt and call her out.  I lift my Trapinch into the air over my head and say, as imperiously as I can, “now, Fly!”  Daenerys twists her head to look down at me, bemused, and makes a clicking sound.  I sigh, recall her to her Pokéball, and begin the long walk back to Driftveil City.

If the games were more like the anime… in the sense that keeping a Pokemon from Evolving doesn’t hinder it statistically and that a Bulbasaur can actively compete against a full grown Venusaur and win as well as any other family, are there any Pokemon you’d choose to keep unevolved, or at least the first ones that come to mind? Also would you like it if the games gave you the option to not evolve your Pokemon but gain the stat growths of their evolutions instead?

Well, yes and no.  What I would like is for evolving a Pokémon to be a choice, which is how the anime presents it – but I don’t want an unevolved Pokémon to have all the same strengths and skills as an evolved Pokémon, because then you turn evolution into a purely aesthetic change and the idea itself loses a lot of its power.  Keeping a Pokémon unevolved when you could evolve it should have drawbacks, signficant ones – you’re giving up (or at least delaying the acquisition of) incredible abilities and, usually, greater physical strength – but it should also have benefits, I think.  The introduction of the Eviolite (although intended, I believe, to help the many late-evolving Pokémon of Black and White survive and contribute until they reach their final forms) already moves us in this direction, and we actually can see now certain Pokémon capable of competing with their own evolved forms – Chansey, for example, has far fewer viable attack options but with an Eviolite actually becomes tougher than Blissey, even accounting for Blissey’s free item slot for Leftovers, while Eviolite Dusclops is arguably just a better Pokémon than Dusknoir.  Porygon2 and Porygon-Z are harder to compare because they fill completely different roles anyway, but again, Porygon2 is arguably the stronger.  Vigoroth is a weird case, because Slaking is such a weird Pokémon, but again, he’s arguably better than his own evolved form.  The Eviolite allows defensive Pokémon to shine, but I think greater diversity is called for – new mechanisms to create unevolved Pokémon which are, perhaps, weaker than their evolved forms but more flexible, or alternatively less flexible but able to execute very specific strategies effectively (Light Ball Pikachu, Deep Sea Tooth Clamperl, and Eviolite Trapinch, anyone?)  The difficulty, of course, is in devising these mechanisms such that they don’t break the Pokémon who are already effective without evolving completely, like Dusclops and Chansey.  I haven’t gotten that far yet.  Must start on ideas.

This kind of thing could become really interesting when you look at Pokémon who change dramatically when they evolve – the one who comes immediately to mind for me is Exeggcute.  How might an Exeggcute be more effective in battle than an Exeggutor?  Superior reaction times, perhaps?  Tactical flexibility as a result of its multiple bodies?  And how to represent that without necessitating a radical departure from present game mechanics?  Tricky.  Some others that might present interesting puzzles include Munchlax, Dragonair, Eevee, Teddiursa, Shelgon and Pupitar, Murkrow, and perhaps Karrablast and Shelmet.

Are there any other monster-collecting series besides pokemon you enjoy, such as Monster Rancher, Shin Megami Tensei, or even the incredibly obscure Jade Cocoon? If so, how would you say they compare to Pokemon, in terms of style, atmosphere, and gameplay? (Non-video game series are also welcome, in which case you could cross out the gameplay comparison) It’d be really fascinating to hear your take on them.

Well… not really, no.  I hate to break it to you but I’m really just a Pokémon guy.  I think I’ve heard of Shin Megami Tensei, but I always thought it was, like, a manga about magical girl superheroes or something.

Um.  So yeah.

I used to watch Digimon as a kid.  That $#!t was legit.

So, pure hypothetical, but. Live action Pokemon movie. Just general thoughts on the issue, I know my friens and I discussed it for a laugh about a month ago, and the last question made me wonder what you thought?

*shrug* Well, live action movie versions of anime franchises often don’t turn out well (witness the widespread rage against Shayamalan’s Avatar: the Last Airbender adaptation).  Of course, there’s no reason it couldn’t be done well, but do we need that?  As I understand it, in Japan cartoons aren’t considered culturally or intellectually ‘inferior’ to live action as they regularly are in the West, which I think makes it unlikely that anyone is going to recognise a need for live action Pokémon any time soon.  Personally, I think they have a point.

How does poliwhirl/wrath eat? The pokedex makes such a song and dance about his intestines, but he lost his mouth when he evolved.

Well, personally I assume they do have mouths (at the centre of the spiral, since that’s where their Water Guns originate in the anime) but that they’ve become smaller and less obvious, so we can’t actually see them in the art and sprites.  Alternatively, they may adapt to absorb nutrients directly from the water around them, although this seems unlikely to me, since Poliwhirl is supposed to be more suited to life on land than Poliwag.

Just one more of these and I’ll get back to Pokémon stuff, I promise

Ancient Greek verbs, just like ancient Greek nouns, have multiple different forms.  This will all be familiar to you if you’ve studied just about any European language (even English has vestiges of this system, although they’re much reduced for most verbs).  There are six forms, first person singular (I do), second person singular (you do), third person singular (he/she/it does), first person plural (we do), second person plural (y’all do – Greek, like just about every language on the planet except for English, makes a distinction between one ‘you’ and many ‘you’s), and third person plural (they do).  For most English verbs, of course, only one of these forms varies at all – the third person singular, which typically has an -s on the end.  In Greek though (as well as Latin, French, German, Spanish, Italian, Portuguese, etc) the six forms are markedly different.  Here are the forms of the Greek verb λυω – to loosen, release, or free:

λυω – first person singular; I free
λυεις – second person singular; you free
λυει – third person singular; he/she/it frees
λυομεν – first person plural; we free
λυετε – second person plural; y’all free
λυουσι(ν) – third person plural; they free

N.B. The (ν) on the end of the third person plural form means that this form will end with a ν if the next word begins with a vowel, but will leave the ν off if the next word ends in a consonant – exactly like a(n) in English.

These endings can be transferred to any regular verb – so the word for ‘stop,’ παυω (where the English word ‘pause’ comes from) will be παυει if you’re saying “he stops” or “the farmer stops” or whatever, and παυουσι if you’re saying something like "they stop" or “the farmers stop."  Because Greek has all of these forms, which are for the most part very easily distinguished, there are a lot of words which will often be left out of a Greek sentence.  For example, Greek does have a word for "I” – ἐγω, whence the English ‘ego’ – but very rarely uses it, since a reader or listener can always tell from the -ω ending of the verb that the subject of a sentence is “I.”

It becomes rather more complicated if the ‘stem’ of the verb (the unchanging part) ends in a vowel.  The vowels ε, α, and ο at the end of a verb’s stem will merge into the vowels of the suffix, changing the spelling and pronunciation.

ε is the weakest of those sounds, and is normally ‘swallowed up’ entirely by the sound of the verb ending, but does alter the first person plural and second person plural.  The verb φιλεω, to love, for instance, goes like this:

φιλω – I love
φιλεις – you love
φιλει – he/she/it loves
φιλουμεν – we love – note the ου sound, where λυω just had an ο sound
φιλειτε – y’all love – again, note the ει where λυω had an ε
φιλουσι(ν) – they love

Verbs with stems ending in α, such as ὁραω, to see, go like this:

ὁρω – I see
ὁρᾳς – you see – note the iota subscript beneath the alpha, which is a ‘remnant,’ if you like, of the iota in the standard ending
ὁρᾳ – he/she/it sees – again with an iota subscript
ὁρωμεν – we see
ὁρατε – y’all see
ὁρωσι(ν) – they see

Finally, verbs with stems ending in ο, such as δηλοω, to show or reveal (there are very few of these), go like this:

δηλω – I show
δηλοις – you show
δηλοι – he/she/it shows
δηλουμεν – we show
δηλουτε – y’all show
δηλουσι(ν) – they show

Note that verbs like this will be listed in a dictionary as φιλεω, ὁραω, δηλοω, etc, with the end vowel present, even though none of these forms actually exist in practice because all three vowels get swallowed up completely by the omega of the first person singular ending (well… unless you’re speaking Ionic, but let’s not go there).

All of this covers present active indicative verbs.  Present is a tense, of course, active is what we call a ‘voice,’ and indicative is what we call a ‘mood.’

You’re probably used to thinking that there are three tenses, right?  Past, present, and future?  Well, not exactly.  Greek has six tenses – and before you protest that that’s way too complicated, English actually has twelve; it’s just that we normally don’t consciously think of them in that way.  The English tenses are present, present perfect, past, past perfect, future, and future perfect, each of which comes in ‘simple’ and ‘continuous’ flavours – ‘I see’ and ‘I am seeing,’ for instance, are actually different tenses; one is present simple and the other is present continuous.  “I will see” and “I will have seen,” likewise, are two different things – one is future simple, and the other is future perfect simple.  The Greek tenses are present, future, imperfect (roughly equivalent to our past continuous tense – “I was seeing”), perfect (this is closest in meaning to our present perfect – “I have seen”), pluperfect (our past perfect, “I had seen”), and aorist.  The aorist is the “timeless” tense (the term comes from a Greek word meaning “without boundaries”).  It’s the closest thing Greek has to a simple past, which is what it most often means, but in many contexts it can in fact be used to express present or even future action.  It’s also the tense used for statements of universal truth (which in English we would normally put into the simple present).  The aorist tense is, hands down, the hardest thing about learning Greek; it is an utter bastard, and it is probably the most common tense in the language (more common, I suspect, than the present) so there’s no way you can avoid the damn thing.

Greek is packed full of verbs that have irregular ways of getting into the different tenses, but the more sensible ones look like this:

Future: add a sigma to the end of the stem, then use present tense endings: λυσω, λυσεις, λυσει, etc.

Imperfect: add an epsilon to the beginning of the stem, then use a new set of endings: ἐλυον, ἐλυες, ἐλυε(ν), ἐλυομεν, ἐλυετε, ἐλυον (notice similarities with corresponding present endings, and also that first person singular and third person plural are identical).

Perfect: repeat the first consonant, with an epsilon after it, and use another set of endings: λελυκα, λελυκας, λελυκε(ν), λελυκαμεν, λελυκατε, λελυκαν.

Pluperfect: add an epsilon to the beginning of the perfect stem, then use yet another set of endings (mostly similar to the perfect endings, with epsilons instead of alphas): ἐλελυκε, ἐλελυκες, ἐλελυκε(ν), ἐλελυκεμεν, ἐλελυκετε, ἐλελυκεσαν.

Aorist: add an epsilon to the beginning of the stem and a sigma to the end of the stem, then use more new endings: ἐλυσα, ἐλυσας, ἐλυσε(ν), ἐλυσαμεν, ἐλυσατε, ἐλυσαν.  Or, alternatively… well, there are four kinds of aorist in Greek.  I call them nice aorists (follow the nice rule that λυω follows), weird aorists (change the stem a little bit, in a more or less random fashion, then use the imperfect endings – μανθανω becomes ἐμαθον, πασχω becomes ἐπαθον, etc), dumb aorists (change the stem to something completely unrelated, just to fuck with you – τρεχω becomes ἐδραμον, ὁραω becomes εἰδον, etc), and retarded aorists (just give up and reduce the stem to one letter, then use whatever the hell endings you feel like – βαινω becomes ἐβην, γιγνωσκω becomes ἐγνων, etc).

You can see why the aorist tense is the trickiest part of this language.

Anyway.  Voices.

You’ve all met voices before – English has two of them, active and passive.  This is the distinction between “I see” and “I am seen."  Easy, right?  How complicated can this possibly get?  Active.  Passive.  Done.

Well, the thing is, Greek has both of those things, but it also has something better: the ‘middle’ voice.  This does not exist in English (in fact, I don’t know of any other languages that have a middle voice – Latin seems to have had it at one point, but has lost it almost completely by the classical period), and as a result it is rather difficult to explain succinctly.  It’s best to think of it has having three different flavours of meaning.  Where the active is "I see” and the passive is “I am seen,” the middle is something like “I see myself” or “I see for my own benefit” or “I cause to be seen."  Middle verbs are a remnant of an ancestral Proto-Indo-European system whereby verbs, instead of being either active or passive, were instead ‘inward’ or ‘outward,’ if you will – one for actions which primarily affected oneself, the other for actions which primarily affected other things or people.  For some verbs, you can easily see how this makes sense – for instance, the verb ἐγειρω means ‘to wake up,’ and its active form refers to waking someone else, while its middle form refers to just waking up in the morning.  Others… not so much.  Greek has two common verbs for wanting or being willing – ἐθελω and βουλομαι.  The former is normally active, the latter is always middle.  No clue why.

Middles, of course, have their own sets of endings in all the different tenses.  Here are just the present indicative ones:

λυομαι
λυει (note that this looks just like the third person singular of the active form of the verb), alternatively sometimes λυῃ (note the iota subscript)
λυεται
λυομεθα
λυεσθε
λυονται

Finally, there’s moods.  Whenever you make a simple statement, you are using an ‘indicative’ verb – a verb that ‘indicates’ the truth of something, if you like.  There are four others you need to know.  One is the imperative, the mood of command – whenever you tell someone to do something, you are using an imperative.  The imperative forms of λυω are λυε (singular) and λυετε (plural – the plural imperative ending is always the same as the second person plural indicative ending, for every verb in Greek).  The next mood is the infinitive.  This is the form we mark with "to” in English – “to run,” “to see,” “to speak,” etc.  It’s used a lot less in Greek than in English, because we tend to use infinitives to indicate purpose (“I went to London to see the Queen”), which Greek doesn’t, but it gets used for things like “I want to see” and “I seem to see.”  The infinitive form of λυω is λυειν.  Next is the subjunctive, the mood of possibility.  Subjunctives indicate stuff that ‘might,’ ‘could’ or ‘would’ happen, among other things.  Subjunctive endings normally lengthen their vowel sound, like so: λυω, λυῃς, λυῃ, λυωμεν, λυητε, λυωσι.  Finally, you have optatives, which theoretically express wishes and desires, although in Greek the boundaries between situations that use subjunctives and situations that use optatives can become a little blurry at times.  Present active optatives are characterised by an ‘oi’ sound in their endings: λυοιμι, λυοις, λυοι, λυοιμεν, λυοιτε, λυοιεν.

Now, here’s where it gets worse.

Every verb has a mood, a voice, and a tense – so all of those have to be multiplied together.  Six basic forms, times three moods (indicative, subjunctive and optative), plus one infinitive and two imperatives, times three voices, times six tenses makes 378 different forms for each Greek verb (of course, some verbs don’t have active forms, and the perfect and pluperfect tenses are both very rare, but still) and that’s not even counting the schizophrenic ones like λεγω that have more than one aorist stem (in this case, a nice aorist – ἐλεξα – and a far more common dumb aorist – εἰπον).  If it’s a nice verb like λυω or παυω, you can work out all of those forms from scratch using simple rules.  If it’s a verb like ὁραω that does something crazy and unexpected in just about every tense (future ὀψομαι, aorist εἰδον, perfect οἰδα, pluperfect… hell, who am I kidding? I have no idea what the pluperfect of ὁραω is) then you’re in trouble.  And then, of course, you have the verbs that just plain hate you, like εἰμι, the verb ‘to be,’ which is spectacularly irregular in just about every language in history (look at English: I am, you are, he/she/it is, I was, you were, I have been, to be – what the hell?).  And don’t even get me started on the aorist passive.

Then, of course, once you successfully learn all of that, you discover that some authors (Homer, I’m looking at you) will blithely ignore rules, use all manner of obscure variant forms, add or drop syllables on a whim, and just generally make things up in order to have the words fit their poetic meter more effectively.  And then you’re trekking through Aristophanes when you discover that the great man has decided to string four or five words together, in the style of modern German, to create a great superword like ἀρχαιομελισιδωνοφρυνιχηρατα, which takes up a whole line of iambic trimeter on its own and reduces the less able among us to fits of terror…

It’s enough to make one give up and stick to Latin.