Route 12
Ruby: Look, it’s perfectly simple; as my personal minion, everything you know about the Mega Stones now belongs to me.
Amaldos: And so the stars belong in the sky, yet the sky never sought to constrain the stars to wait out the dawn.
Ruby: Yeah, but… that’s not… that analogy makes no sense.
Amaldos: Of course not; for my senses have taken leave of me.
Ruby: If you’re not going to help me find the stones, then why did you want to come along with us in the first place?
Amaldos: There is something new under the sun, old tricks learned again on borrowed time… and soon, a bolt from the blue. In a matter of life and death, sometimes a Liepard must find more than one way to skin a Purugly in order to change its spots.
Ruby: …okay, sure. And… the reason I can’t try using yours is…?
Amaldos: It is mine.
Ruby: Ah. Well. Fair enough, then.
Amaldos: When you despise something, keep it close; if it leaves you, it was never worth your hatred in the first place.
Spruce: But if the journey is more important than the destination, then why is the road less travelled… um… always blocked by construction workers?
Amaldos: [long silence]
Spruce: And how does someone who walks off the beaten path find their way up the garden path?
Ruby: Uh…
Amaldos: An Accelgor can never catch a Torkoal that has been given a head start. There is a place nearby where moss gathers on the wrong side of the trees. Come, blinded one; let us find your stone and set it rolling.
Ruby: [to Spruce] How the hell do you even do that?
Spruce: [shrugs helplessly]
…
Amaldos: If a haystack can pass through the eye of the needle, then there is nowhere left to look, yet the needle may still prick you. The compass points us this way – let us see if its needle is tipped with poison.
Ruby: What, out across the water? [Squints] Spruce, your eyes are better than ours; make yourself useful for once and tell me what you see.
Spruce: Uh… there’s an island there, all right, just where he’s pointing. You want me to fly over and take a look?
Ruby: No, I wish to inspect the site myself. My impeccable arcane senses will be our best chance of finding the Mega Stone… if indeed there is one [glances at Amaldos]. We need only confine ourselves to the human’s sorcerous orbs, and Fisher will be able to carry us all across.
Merneith: [coughs] I hope you don’t really believe the human propaganda that we can leave Pokéballs when we choose to? What guarantee do we have that he’ll release us again?
Martial: More to the point, how are we to convey the human himself? Meaning no disrespect to the priest [nods at Fisher], I doubt he can support that weight.
Fisher: None taken, good sir. I fear the lunar warrior is correct, my lady.
Ruby: [to Spruce] Can humans swim?
Spruce: I… think so? Some of them?
Ruby: What do you mean, “some of them”?
Spruce: I don’t know; I just heard it once! I think maybe it’s, like, an egg move for them or something?
Ruby: Humans don’t hatch from eggs!
Merneith: Wait, they don’t? Then… how…?
Fisher: I was led to believe that their young grow inside their bodies, and then somehow force their way out once fully-formed.
Merneith: Eurgh! Gods, that’s disgusting! No wonder they’re such a vile, depraved species!
Martial: We must be respectful of their cultural differences, suspicious one. I have no doubt they find egg-laying an equally foul practice.
Amaldos: If the egg came before the Torchic, then must not the first ancestors have been free of cackling, and able to break omelettes in peace?
Ruby: You are NOT HELPING!
Fisher: If there is some uncertainty on the matter, we could simply try to coax the human into the water and see what happens.
Ruby: Ach, no; why bother? If it’s an ability only some humans have, this useless one certainly won’t. It hardly matters anyway. I give it… two minutes, absolute maximum, before some dim-witted local creature shows up, foists its problems and inadequacies on us, and offers to transport us in exchange for help with some nauseatingly banal task.
???: Ahoy thar, mateys! It be lookin’ as though ye be wantin’ to cross yonder bay – do ye think our good selves might be of assistance to ye?
Ruby: …oh, gods, it’s even worse than I thought…
Fisher: Ah ha! A Lapras! Well met, noble scion of the Prince of Air!
Lapras: Yarr, I not be knowin’ about bein’ noble, or a scion o’ anythin’, but well met to ye all the same. I be Cap’n Steve, and this Chatot be me trusty first mate, Polly. Say hello, Polly!
Polly: Salutations, travellers!
Cap’n Steve: Arrr, like we rehearsed, ye mangy feathered jukebox!
Polly: [sigh] Squawk. Pieces of eight. Squawk.
Cap’n Steve: And who be ye, landlubbers?
Ruby: I be- er, that is, I am Ruby the Braixen, fiery jewel among Pokémon, sorceress supreme! Perhaps you’ve heard of me?
Cap’n Steve: Be ye the same Ruby the Braixen what terrorised the Muraille Coast in the summer o’ 1861?
Polly: Braixen don’t live that long, Steve. Also, if my memory of the appropriate historical records is correct, you’re thinking of Pyrope the Ninetales.
Cap’n Steve: Yarr, so I be, Polly, so I be. Ah, she were a fine lass in ‘er day, afore the law caught up with ‘er. But nay, lass, I cannot say yer name be known to me.
Ruby: I’ll do my best not to be crushed by the disappointment. You mentioned transport, and yes, my retinue and I might be interested. At what price?
Cap’n Steve: It be yer lucky day, lass, fer me price be one a sorceress o’ yer undoubtedly excellent calibre can be supplyin’ most readily, and in good time. I be needin’ crew for me next raid on a human merchant vessel what’ll be crossin’ the Azure Bay on its way to Coumarrrine City today. Help me take it, and I’ll deliver ye safely wherever ye please. Ye can even take yer fair share o’ any booty what we can capture.
Ruby: Hmm. I suppose that seems reasonable enough. Very well. You have yourself a mercenary sorceress.
Spruce: Look, um… sorry to interrupt, but… what happened to your fin?
Cap’n Steve: Arr, ye mean me battle scars? [Holds up front right fin] ‘Twere but scratches, lad, sustained in battle with a mighty Barbaracle many a year ago. Sent ‘im down to Davy Jellicent’s Locker, didn’ we, Polly?
Polly: Indeed, we- [coughs] ah, that is… aye matey! ‘e sleeps with the fishes now, lads!
Spruce: Um… I actually meant your other fin. The one that’s… uh… y’know… been replaced by a long wooden oar.
Cap’n Steve: Mmm? [Looks down at front left fin] Oh, that. I fell down some stairs.
Spruce: …in the ocean?
Cap’n Steve: Aye, ‘twere afore the international maritime treaty ‘o ‘48, ye see.
Spruce: Oh. Of… of course. And… the eye patch…?
Cap’n Steve: Weldin’ accident, when I were affixin’ the steel plate what covers the ‘ole in me shell [gestures with a fin].
Spruce: …and…?
Cap’n Steve: Harpoon.
Merneith: [quietly] Do we really trust this Lapras with our lives, Ruby?
Ruby: Well, I trust him with yours, at any rate.
Cap’n Steve: Yarr, that be the spirit, lass! Let’s be off! Yo ho ho!
Azure Bay
Merneith: So that’s the ship? What’s it carrying that you want so badly, anyway?
Cap’n Steve: Yarr, she be haulin’ goods for the Poké Marrrt, mostly, medicines and Pokéballs and the like, but I also ‘ave it on good autharrrity that there be a shipment o’ rare incenses from distant ports, what’ll be paid for handsomely by certain Pokémon ‘round these parts, whose names I’ll not be divulgin’. Polly and I’ll be takin’ first pick o’ that, but yer welcome to most o’ the supplies they be carryin’.
Martial: Can these actions really be morally sanctioned? What right have we to steal from these humans to enrich ourselves? [To Spruce] Honour and my life debt demand that I follow where you lead, of course, my saviour, but know that this does not sit well with me.
Spruce: Ah… to be honest I’m kinda thinking maybe we could both sort of… sit this one out, y’know? I mean, what with Ruby being such a hot shot sorceress and everything it’s not like you need us…
Merneith: You cannot be serious! This is a chance to strike a blow against the oppressive capitalist regime that perpetuates the destructive cycle of Pokémon battling, and the conspiratorial machinations of the human pharmaceutical peddlers to enslave us all with so-called “medicines” that erode our willpower and destroy our bodies! They’re the ones stealing – from our future – to enrich themselves! Now come on! Shiver me lumbers, lads!
Cap’n Steve: Arr, ye be a few sails short o’ a schooner, lass, but ye have a pirate’s heart! Now, be ready; we be drawin’ alongside ‘em! AVAST, YE SCURVY LUBBERS! Prepare to be boarded, and surrender yer booty! ICE BEAM!
Sailor 1: What the hell is going on!?
Sailor 2: I don’t know; just get your Pokémon out there! Skrelp, I choose you!
Sailor 1: Clauncher, go! All hands on deck; we’re under attack!
…
Sailor 2: Look! These crazy Pokémon have kidnapped a… well, a kid! We’ve gotta save him!
Chris: Ah… no, no, I’m fine! They’re, uh… they’re my Pokémon! Well, most of them! Well… some of them… I think. I’m actually not sure about the Krokorok or the Nidoking but they’re usually quite nice!
Sailor 1: Can’t you call them off!?
Chris: Not… really? This sort of thing happens a lot! Sorry about this!
Cap’n Steve: Yarr harr, fiddle dee dee! Bein’ a pirate is all right with me! Do what ye want ‘cause a pirate lives free! I AM A PIRATE! HARR HARR HARR! ICE BEAM!
Spruce: [to Polly] Is he… always like that?
Polly: Indeed.
Ruby: AH-hahahahahaha-HAH! Think you can stand in the way of the sorceress supreme, do you?! By FIRE be PURGED!
Polly: …is she?
Spruce: [sigh] …yep.
Fisher: Good captain, I believe Amaldos and I have located the crate of incense you described! I shall endeavour to- argh; get back, miscreants! Chaos take you, in the name of the Helix!
Cap’n Steve: Arr, yer crew be in trouble, lass, and I cannot board the ship meself! WATER PULSE!
Ruby: I’m a little busy over here! BURN, FOOLS!
Fisher: Helix, I implore you… my strength fails me…
Amaldos: Between the devil and the deep blue sea, there are more fish in the latter, but perhaps better the devil you know than the fish that you don’t!
Fisher: [blinks] What?
Amaldos: If devils have bigger fish to fry, then a fish out of water may survive longer than a duck in it! Evil is the plaything of idle hands!
Fisher: You can’t possibly mean-!
Remoraid: We’ve got two of ‘em surrounded! Everyone, get over here!
Fisher: No time… very well… even the hero Red once took power from the Dome to escape the great maze, did he not? Dome Fossil, you that were cast into the pits of the abyss! I beseech you – give me power!
Glückwunsch! Dein Fisher wurde zu einem Entoron!
Fisher: I… perhaps two might succeed, where one…
Remoraid: The Psyduck’s just evolved! Quick, lads; shut ‘im down!
Fisher: Enough of this. For the Hel- for the Fossil Gods!
…
Cap’n Steve: Yarr; we got what we came for, mateys! Let’s be gone, afore the law be comin’ down upon us!
Spruce: No argument from me! Everyone, get back; I’ll cover you! Featherdance!
Chris: Wait wait wait. The Lapras with an eye patch, a wooden fin, a patched shell, and a Jolly Roger, who’s been carrying us around Azure Bay, is a pirate!?
Ruby: …what gave it away?
Chris: That is SO COOL!
The Team:
Ruby the Rutena (Braixen)
Female, Bold nature, level 33, Großbrand (Blaze)
Lichtschild (Light Screen), Psystrahl (Psybeam), Nitroladung (Flame Charge), Feuerwirbel (Fire Spin)
Spruce the Tauboga (Pidgeotto)
Male, Rash nature, level 33, Adlerauge (Keen Eye)
Windhose (Twister), Daunenreigen (Featherdance), Windstoß (Gust), Ruckzuckhieb (Quick Attack)
Fisher the Entoron (Golduck)
Male, Brave nature, level 34, Wolke Sieben (Cloud Nine)
Aussetzer (Disable), Dunkelklaue (Shadow Claw), Zen-Kopfstoß (Zen Headbutt), Surfer (Surf)
Merneith the Rokkaiman (Krokorok)
Female, Bashful nature, level 33, Hochmut (Moxie)
Knirscher (Crunch), Steigerungshieb (Power-Up Punch), Felsgrab (Rock Tomb), Schaufler (Dig)
Martial the Nidoking
Male, Brave nature, level 34, Giftdorn (Poison Point)
Energiefokus, Doppelkick, Gifthieb (Poison Jab), Hornattacke
Amaldos the Lucario
Male, Hasty nature, level 33, Felsenfest (Steadfast)
Steigerungshieb (Power-Up Punch), Schwerttanz (Swords Dance), Metallsound, Knochenhatz (Bone Rush)
Graveyard:
Melissa the Bibor (Beedrill)
Female, Jolly nature, level 16, Hexaplaga (Swarm)
Giftstachel (Poison Sting), Duonadel (Twineedle), Energiefokus (Focus Energy), Furienschlag (Fury Attack)
Boreas the Amarino (Amaura)
Male, Mild nature, level 29, Frostschicht (Refrigerate)
Natur-Kraft (Nature Power), Bodycheck (Take Down), Felsgrab (Rock Tomb), Aurorastrahl (Aurora Beam)
Pokémaniacal 