One lunatic's love-hate relationship with the Pokémon franchise, and his addled musings on its rights, wrongs, ins and outs. Come one, come all, and indulge my delusions of grandeur as I inflict my opinions on anyone within shouting distance.
Look, the raw, unvarnished truth is that I think all hype is dumb and everyone should just sit down, shut up, and wait for the movie in an unfurnished stone cell in perfect, motionless silence without eating, drinking or breathing. But I guess that’s the kind of attitude that people around me are always calling “not normal” or “disturbingly aloof” or “please put down that Necronomicon,” whatever that’s supposed to mean. I’ll just have to say something and get on the record as being just as wrong and dumb as everyone else.
People wonder why Psyduck isn’t a Psychic-type, and I do too, but why isn’t it a Flying-type? It’s a bird, and all other generation I birds are part Flying-type (including Farfetch’d, who is also a duck, and Doduo/Dodrio, who are also flightless).
I think this may in fact be the best argument for thinking that Psyduck is not a duck at all, but a platypus, which I know people have suggested. There’s an important caveat here that even at the best of times Game Freak doesn’t quite seem to know what the Flying type actually is, and frankly neither do I, but other than the beak there’s not a lot which is especially ducklike about Psyduck. He has arms and webbed hands rather than wings (likewise Golduck), learns no Flying-type or bird-themed attacks aside from Aerial Ace (which… look, just f&$% Aerial Ace), and his body doesn’t really look feathery the way most bird Pokémon do.
The Pokemon literally called Psyduck isn’t a Psychic type. What?????
In fairness, its Japanese name (Kodakku – probably ko, child + duck) doesn’t have any reference to psychic ability, and nor does Golduck’s name, in any language. I’d suggest that the reason Psyduck isn’t a Psychic-type is because of his infamous lack of control over his psychic abilities, which only manifest when his headaches send him into a trance that he can’t remember once it’s over – true Psychic Pokémon have much greater focus. Then again, I’ve actually argued in the past that this was originally supposed to be a character trait of Misty’s Psyduck specifically, not Psyduck in general. The first Pokédex entry from Red and Blue says of Psyduck: “while lulling its enemies with its vacant look, this wily Pokémon will use psychokinetic powers,” which is a very different perspective than just about every later portrayal. It’s only in Yellow version, which is based on the anime, that we get “always tormented by headaches. It uses psychic powers, but it is not known if it intends to do so.” So what I’m saying now is actually contradicted by other things I’ve thought about Psyduck in the past; I’m probably wrong about one of these things, but I’m not sure which I like better.
Ruby: Look, it’s perfectly simple; as my personal minion, everything you know about the Mega Stones now belongs to me. Amaldos: And so the stars belong in the sky, yet the sky never sought to constrain the stars to wait out the dawn. Ruby: Yeah, but… that’s not… that analogy makes no sense. Amaldos: Of course not; for my senses have taken leave of me. Ruby: If you’re not going to help me find the stones, then why did you want to come along with us in the first place? Amaldos: There is something new under the sun, old tricks learned again on borrowed time… and soon, a bolt from the blue. In a matter of life and death, sometimes a Liepard must find more than one way to skin a Purugly in order to change its spots. Ruby: …okay, sure. And… the reason I can’t try using yours is…? Amaldos: It is mine. Ruby: Ah. Well. Fair enough, then. Amaldos: When you despise something, keep it close; if it leaves you, it was never worth your hatred in the first place. Spruce: But if the journey is more important than the destination, then why is the road less travelled… um… always blocked by construction workers? Amaldos: [long silence] Spruce: And how does someone who walks off the beaten path find their way up the garden path? Ruby: Uh… Amaldos: An Accelgor can never catch a Torkoal that has been given a head start. There is a place nearby where moss gathers on the wrong side of the trees. Come, blinded one; let us find your stone and set it rolling. Ruby: [to Spruce] How the hell do you even do that? Spruce: [shrugs helplessly]
Chris: Gosh; that tower’s incredible, isn’t it, Ruby? I’ve read about it but it’s even more amazing to actually see it! Ruby: Mmm, I suppose even I must admit it’s rather impr- wait, hang on, you can read!? Chris: Come on! Korrina said that’s where she hangs out most of the time; let’s go see her! Ruby: Yes… yes, the human who travels with those two Lucario. They’ll not escape me this time. Whatever secrets they hold will be mine! MINE! HA-hahahahaha-HAH! Fisher: …my lady, I must confess you frighten me sometimes. Spruce: Sometimes?
Ruby: So… this is what that Lucario meant by “through the looking-glass,” I suppose. Load of cryptic nonsense… And there’s no other way to Shalour City, Nidorino? Martial: None that I know of. But there may be a benefit to travelling through these caves. Somewhere within lies a Moon Stone that will allow me to evolve into a Nidoking. I was questing in search of it when I was attacked outside. [to Spruce] I would better be able to serve you in a greater form. However, you must not delay your own tasks on my account. It is your decision whether to search for the stone, my saviour. Spruce: Sure, we can look for it! Right, Ruby? Ruby: [raised eyebrow] He’s your minion, Spruce. What do you think? Is making him more powerful worth the investment of your time? Spruce: Um… y-yes? Ruby: Is that an answer, or another question? Spruce: Uh… I… yes. Yes! We’d be a lot stronger with a Nidoking on the team, even if it’s only temporary! Let’s do it! Ruby: As good a reason as any. Lead the way. Boreas: If the asking be not injurious, what was thy former quest, good sir? To what end didst thou seek after thy lunar gem? Martial: That is irrelevant now. If and when I am able to repay my life-debt, I will return to my former duty. Until then, it must be as though my life were forfeit. Spruce: But maybe if you tell us, we can help- Martial: I will not speak of it! If I had been killed, my cause would surely have been abandoned and lost. As things are, it is merely delayed. For that alone, my debt is almost beyond reckoning. I cannot and will not allow you to do more for me until it is repaid. Ruby: [muttering] Hmph. Doesn’t know how lucky he is. What I wouldn’t give for minions like that… Spruce: What was that, Ruby? Ruby: Nothing, nothing. Let’s get moving, shall we? Fisher: Truly, this place is a wonder… these marvellous crystal panes… like the great mirrors of ice in which Burrito the Lightbringer is said to have seen, reflected, the true soul of the Lazorgator, and the path for love to conquer hate… Ruby: Don’t stare at those too long. Fisher: My lady? Ruby: There’s powerful magic here. Old magic. You shouldn’t play with what you don’t understand. Spruce: But you do that all the time. Ruby: …well, yeah, but… Boreas: Thy care for thy fellows is admirable, milady, yet they are but mirrors. Ruby: Hey, who said I care!? Fine, gaze into whatever you like for as long as you like, just don’t come crying to me when your soul gets sucked into a gemstone or something…
Ruby: Look, human, just give me the Holo-Caster and- good. Thank you. Now leave me the hell alone; I have a call to make. Let’s see… ah; here we are… Lavoisier: Ruby! You look… different. Ruby: As do you. Evolution is treating you well, I hope? Lavoisier: Weeeell, I’ve lost some of my boyish good looks, but I got some really sweet dragon powers, and I can reach the textbooks on the third shelf now, so I’m not gonna complain! Anyway… what do you need? Ruby: What do I need? Can’t a girl place a holo-call just to chat with her little brother? Lavoisier: …sure, but you wouldn’t. Ruby: Mmm. Point taken. All right; I need more leads. I tracked down the second Mega Stone you pointed me to, and the results were quite interesting. Lavoisier: Interesting, as in…? [sigh] How many people died, Ruby? Ruby: To my knowledge, the net deaths resulting from the experiment were zero. Lavoisier: That’s… that’s a concerningly specific answer, sis. Ruby: Would I lie? Lavoisier: Yes. Ruby: To you? Lavoisier: Possibly. Ruby: …again, point taken. Anyway, where can I find more stones? Lavoisier: Ruby, I have no idea. We’ve just barely finished repairing the lab, and we’ve been having… other problems. Disappearances, and… Look, hunting for references to the location of Mega Stones is just not something I have time for right now. Ruby: Hmm. That’s unfortunate. You haven’t heard rumours about any other sorcerous artefacts, have you? I could always return to Lumiose City and take a look at your library myself, I suppose… Lavoisier: [alarmed] No! Uh… I mean… no, there’s no need for that. I, uh… if you want to pursue information on the Mega Stones yourself, you… could go to Geosenge Town. I guess. Ruby: The hick town up north? Why? Lavoisier: Well, I used to sort of know a couple of Pokémon who are there at the moment and… could help you. Maybe. Experts on the Mega Stones, who know a lot more than me about what they’re actually for. Ruby: We know what they’re for. They’re incredible sources of arcane power. Lavoisier: Okay, but you know you’re supposed to use them together with your human, right? Ruby: What, that idiot? [points at Chris] If that primate gets his hands on anything remotely resembling a magical artefact, he’ll vaporise himself in seconds. I wouldn’t terribly mind that, of course, except that there’s a good chance he would take me with him. Lavoisier: I… see. Well, you could at least try Geosenge Town. Look for two Lucario. Their names are Amaldos and Lelanthion. Ruby: I suppose that will have to do. It’s better than nothing, anyway. Lavoisier: You’re welcome, Ruby.
Spruce: …but we should still make sure we didn’t get turned around in those caves! I hate not being able to see the sky! Ruby: Argh. Fine. If it will shut you up, I’ll ask for directions. You there! Meditite, Inkay! This is the Muraille Cliff Road, is it not? We are heading in the direction of the Glittering Caves? Inkay: Yes on both counts, traveller, but if the caves are your destination I must advise you to rethink your plans. Meditite: Aye, there’s a right lot o’ Barney brewin’ down there. ‘tid be Mae if you’d just turn round and ‘ead for Pope, mate. Ruby: I have no idea what you just said and I think I’ve somehow become stupider by hearing it. Meditite: Wot, don’t understand me chitty? It’s well Glenn if you keep yer Donalds open. Inkay: [sigh] He says the Glittering Caves are dangerous and you’d be better off returning home. Spruce: …are you sure? Inkay: Members of Sid’s… erm… ‘order’… speak a sort of patois based on rhyme. They claim the constant wordplay keeps their minds sharp. We’ve known each other a few months now and I’ve… gotten used to it. Meditite: An’ yer a right fruit for it, Rommy, even if you do waste all yer grease ‘n’ grime on starin’ at the lah-dis ‘stead o’ thinkin’ ‘bout wot’s Isle and Pete. Spruce: Order? Just who are you, anyway? Inkay: Oh. Yes, of course; where are my manners? My name is Andromeda, and my… friend, here, is Sid Arthur. Sid Arthur: Wotcher, mates. Ruby: And I am Ruby the Braixen, fiery jewel among Pokémon, sorceress supreme. Perhaps you’ve heard of me. Sid Arthur: Aw, we don’t really ‘ear of much at all up my way, not for donkey’s. Andromeda: Both of us are too immersed in our respective studies to keep up with current events. I am an astronomer, and Sid is part of a monastic order of sorts, making their home in these mountains. Sid Arthur: Aye, we be seekin’ to rid ourselves o’ corruptin’ worldly things like bees an’ ‘oney, an’ give up our Jekyll ‘n’ ‘yde to reach an ‘igher two-an’-eight. Ruby: Yes, yes, and I’m sure you do that very well, whatever it is, but what’s this about the caves? If you mean to stand in my way, I promise you won’t be standing for long. Sid Arthur: ‘ere now, there ain’t no need to be so Jodie; it’s just a bit o’ friendly advice is all. You lot’ll be son-an’-daughtered if’n you take to read-an’-writin’ wit’ those ‘eapies wot’re takin’ over down there. Andromeda: What Sid means is… human scientists have worked in the caves for some time without troubling the inhabitants. I have ‘spoken’ with them a few times in the course of my studies, as far as one can speak with humans, and they have always been cordial, but recently they’ve started moving in heavy machines that have been threatening the caves’ integrity and frightening the local Pokémon. Spruce: Ruby, are you thinking what I’m thinking? Ruby: I try not to. Spruce: We’ve got ourselves a new quest! Ruby: [sigh] Well, if nothing else, I can’t allow the humans to get their sweaty pink hands on my Mega Stone first… since we’re going there anyway, we may as well incinerate those responsible for this nonsense. Sid Arthur: Oh, we don’t want no-one Simon! The locals need ‘elp, and that’s eyes o’ blue all right, but a mince for a mince leaves the ‘ole world bacon; that’s wot I say. Ruby: …yes. Quite. Come, minions. There’s work to be done. Andromeda: Good luck! And be careful! Sid Arthur: Aye, Friar Tuck to ye! Spruce: Um… lamb shanks! Sid Arthur: …you wot, mate?
Regular operations (or at least, as regular as things ever are around here) will resume shortly. In the mean time, this is just some stuff that I wrote for the Nuzlocke story that, upon reflection, doesn’t actually fit anywhere into the next proper episode – Luna the psychopathic Skitty and Fisher the Psyduck priest talking about Fisher’s devout Helicism. There may or may not be more of these in future – it really depends entirely on whether I feel ‘inspired.’
Fisher: Lady Luna, I must say your commitment to the path of Holy Anarchy has been an inspiration to me these past days. Luna: If you mean my facility for murder, I can only assure you it is intended purely to serve my own amusement. Any religious epiphanies it might cause you to experience are quite incidental. Fisher: Oh, but how could it be otherwise, my lady? Anarchy serves no cause but its own – just as you do. It is not through conscious effort but by following our whims, as they occur to us, that we draw closer to the will of the Blessed Helix. Luna: So your faith, in fact, encourages wanton slaughter? Fisher: Er… not exactly. Not all of us experience murderous impulses quite so… prolific as yours. But such things are a part of the Helix’s divine will, it is true. After all, was not the Archangel born into this world in a torrent of sacrificial blood? Luna: I can only assume that the answer to your question is ‘yes.’ Well, I suppose if nothing else your theology is… refreshing. Although I can’t say I think much of your chances in your quest for new converts. Kalosians are a dull bunch, for the most part. Fisher: My lady, I hope this is not an impertinent question, but… in my faith, priests such as myself spend years, sometimes decades, meditating in the hopes that we will hear what we call… the Voices. The manifestations of a divine will that exists beyond even the Helix. Even the greatest masters consider themselves blessed to be able to listen to them for a minute or two at a time… I myself have only ever heard one word, the word that sent me here, to Kalos. “Start.” Luna: Get to the point, Fisher; it would be so dreary to have to explain to the Pidgeotto why I had sewn your beak shut with a length of your aorta. Fisher: Er… of course, my lady. You see, Scripture tells us too of heroes, like the legendary Red, to whom the Voices spoke clearly every minute of every day – paragons of Holy Anarchy. I wonder… my lady, have you ever heard such things? Have you ever felt a compulsion to… turn this world Up-Start-Down? Luna: The only ‘voices’ I have any interest in are my own greed, cruelty and darkly whimsical sense of humour. Begone, duck. I am in no mood for your evangelism today.