X Nuzlocke, episode 12: The Devil I Know

Lumiose City

Lavoisier: [on holo-caster] I’m telling you, your human’s famous!  I keep seeing his picture around the city!  I tried to show the Professor but he just kinda shook his head and made a clicking noise.
Ruby: What are you wittering about?  What on earth would this idiot be famous for?
Daku: Certainly not his understanding of team composition or moveset structure…
Spruce: Maybe it’s for his cooking?  That’s pretty good.
Fisher: Indeed; it will almost be a shame to have to return to the stolid fare of the temple kitchens when my travels with this group are done.
Ruby: …well, all right, I admit he’s not useless, but a cinnamon Poké-puff is hardly grounds for serious publicity.
Lavoisier: I think you’re just jealous that your human is more well-known than you are.
Ruby: Wh-!?  You-!  I am known and feared throughout the land as the mightiest sorceress who ever lived!  He is a half-witted, defenceless newborn whose presence is somehow required to keep me from being considered “a menace to society” or “an unstable maniac” or “oh god please stop setting fire to things”!
Lavoisier: Well, he’s the one with his face on posters saying “WANTED” all over Lumiose City.
Ruby: …what did you just say?
Lavoisier: The posters.  They have the human word “WANTED” on them.  Like, they want him around.  They miss him!
???: CITIZENS ENTERING LUMIOSE CITY LIMITS.  HALT AND IDENTIFY.
Ruby: …$#!t.  Uh, I’ll call you back, Lavoisier.  MINIONS!  Hide the human!
Martial: Hide him?  How?
Ruby: I don’t know!  Dig a hole, or put a paper bag over his head or something!
Magneton: HALT AND IDENTIFY.
Fisher: I can call upon the shadows of the Dome to conceal him!
Ruby: Which one is the Dome?  Is that the evil one?
Fisher: Actually, my lady, I have come to believe that is a matter of great theological nuance, and-
Ruby: Oh, shut up; you’ll probably just suck out his soul and turn him into a vegetable.
Magneton: REPEAT: CITIZENS ENTERING LUMIOSE CITY LIMITS.  HALT AND IDENTIFY.
Ruby: Spruce!  Sit on his head!
Spruce: What?
Ruby: Sit.  On.  His.  Head!
Chris: What the-!?  Hey; easy there, Spruce, what are you-?
Ruby: Cover his face with your wings!
Chris: -mrfllmmrrrmmrfff!
Ruby: …good enough!
Magneton: CITIZENS, IDENTIFY.  YOU HAVE THIRTY SECONDS TO COMPLY OR THIS UNIT WILL BE AUTHORISED TO EMPLOY COERCIVE MEASURES.
Ruby: Right!  You!  Who are you to make such demands, and what do you want of me and my minions?
Magneton: I-DEN-TI-FY.
Ruby: I am Ruby the Delphox, fiery jewel among Pokémon, sorceress supreme!  Perhaps you’ve heard of me?
Magneton: ERROR 48.  YOUR STRING “fiery jewel among Pokémon, sorceress supreme” COULD NOT BE FOUND.  IDENTIFY.
Daku: Is it your normal practice to question all who enter your city, good sir?  I have not been here in some time, but I recall nothing of the sort on my last visit.
Ruby: [muttering] Oh, sure, the robot gets a ‘good sir’…
Magneton: ERROR 63.  PROCEDURAL RESOLUTION COULD NOT BE READ.  RESTARTING PROCESS 3-B-RED LOCKDOWN.  BZZT.  CITIZENS ENTERING LUMIOSE CITY LIMITS.  HALT AND IDENTIFY.
Amaldos: If a man sits in a room with a dictionary that allows him to speak perfect Chinese and a vial of poisonous gas that will kill him if a sensor detects radiation, would a computer be able to distinguish him from a dead cat?
Magneton: BZZT.  ERROR 102.  CANNOT RESOLVE SYNTAX.  BLEEEEEP-WEEP-BEEP.  ERROR 81.  EXISTENTIAL QUANDARY DETECTED.  REROUTING THROUGH HINDBRAIN.
Amaldos: A hole in your bag will lighten your load.  A hole in your mind may do the same.
Magneton: ERROR 0.  ERROR NOT FOUND.  Bzzzzzzzt-PING-FFFZZZZZZL [starts smoking].
Spruce: Uh… I… think you broke him.
???: Larry!
Ruby: Oh good; more new friends…
Heliolisk: Larry!  What on earth-? [To Ruby] I’m sorry about this.
Magneton: ERROR.  ERROR.  ERROR.
Heliolisk: You’re fine, Larry.  Execute routine Clemont-Phi-Thirteen.
Magneton: EXECUTING.  BZZT-whistle-DING!
Heliolisk: Feeling better?
Magneton: AFFIRMATIVE.  REQUEST STATUS.
Heliolisk: I’m good too, Larry; thanks.  Why don’t you just wait here for a bit while I help these citizens, and then we’ll take you over to Magenta Plaza to supervise some of the rewiring?
Magneton: ACKNOWLEDGED.
Spruce: …is he always like this?
Heliolisk: Yeah, he’s been a bit out of sorts ever since he died and we put his brain in an old Magneton chassis.
Spruce: Oh, yeah, I guess that would- wait what?
Heliolisk: Sort an experiment on our human’s part.  He used to be an Ampharos.  Hmm.  What… what sort of Pokémon are you, exactly?
Chris: Mrrffllmfff!
Spruce: Uh… I’m a… Facebird.
Heliolisk: A… Facebird.
Fisher: An extremely rare Humanshape species from the far distant land of Orre!
Heliolisk: I…see.  Right.  Well, again, I’m sorry about the business with Larry.  We wouldn’t normally have controls like this, you see; it’s just that, with the recent trouble at the power plant, a good part of the city had to be locked down for a while, just to keep order.  And then when the plant came back online yesterday there was a huge surge that knocked out several critical substations… It’s been a mess.  We’re trying to keep a close watch on everyone entering and leaving the city, just for security reasons.
Daku: Sensibly enough.  You serve your duty well, Heliolisk.
Heliolisk: …I should hope so.  Now, I’ll just need to get your names, and then you can go on through.
Ruby: Very well, peasant.  I am Ruby the Delphox, fiery jewel among Pokémon, sorceress supreme!  Perhaps you’ve heard of me?
Heliolisk: …yes.  Yes I have. [to Magneton] Larry, initiate routine Clemont-Alpha-Zero.
Magneton: EXECUTING.  BREEEEEEEEEEP!  RED ALERT!  BREEEEEEEEEP!  ALL AVAILABLE UNITS TO NORTHWEST GATE!  EMERGENCY LOCKDOWN IN EFFECT!  BREEEEEEEEEEP!  RED ALERT!
Daku: What is this!?  Stand down at once; I demand to speak to your commander!
Heliolisk: I am the high commander of Lumiose City’s Pokémon defenders, and all of you are under arrest on suspicion of involvement in multiple recent catastrophes, including the sabotage of the Lumiose Power Plant!  Now, are you going to come quietly, or do we have to make this ugly?
Spruce: Well, um-
Martial: If legitimate civic authorities wish to detain us, we have no choice but to-
Ruby: BA-HAHAHAHAHAHA!  Perhaps I didn’t make myself clear, lizard!  You are speaking to the sorceress supreme!  Prepare to feel the wrath of my awesome magical power!
Daku: For once, we are in agreement!  I will not be imprisoned by some barely-UU petty officer!
Heliolisk: Oh goody.  Larry!  Combat pattern Clemont-Omega-Two!  Let’s smoke these terrorists!

Continue reading “X Nuzlocke, episode 12: The Devil I Know”

X Nuzlocke, episode 11: Power Hungry

Lumiose Badlands

Merneith: [squinting] So this is the place?
Ruby: Seems to be.  Why else would anyone put a bunch of those giant mushroom domes out here in the middle of nowhere?  This shouldn’t take long; we just need to take care of things here for Lavoisier and then we’ll be on our way back to Lumiose City by tomorrow morning.
Merneith: Typical of humans to inflict a blight like that on the landscape.  It’s probably putting out mind-altering energy waves or mutating radiation or something.  I’d tear down every last one in Kalos if I had the chance.
Ruby: Mmm; well, it’s not exactly easy on the eyes, but we won’t have to look at it for long; let’s get on with it.
Martial: I for one am glad to be engaged in a task of righteousness again – even if only briefly.  This group spends too much time as it is pursuing your self-aggrandising fantasies of power.
Ruby: Hey, pursuing my self-aggrandising fantasies of power is just about the only damn thing this lot will ever amount to; don’t knock it.  Now, there must be an entrance around here somewhere…
Spruce: Over there!  See that little building on the other side of that outcrop?
Ruby: …no, Spruce, because the outcrop is in the way and the rest of us are on the ground.
Spruce: …oh.  Right.  Hey, I think there’s a fight going on over there!  We should get over there and see if someone needs our help!
Ruby: Oh, for goodness’ sake, Spruce; you don’t- …and he’s already gone.  Nidoking, you with the life-debt or whatever; go and make sure he doesn’t get himself killed or something.
Martial: Hmph.  I need none of your instruction, witch.
Merneith: Come on; let’s go already!  We have a job to do!

Continue reading “X Nuzlocke, episode 11: Power Hungry”

X Nuzlocke, episode 10: A Bolt from the Blue

Azure Bay

Slowpoke: …
Spruce: …
Ruby: Spruce.
Spruce: …
Slowpoke: …
Ruby: Spruce, I am now almost 100% certain that she was not challenging you to a staring contest.
Spruce: …
Slowpoke: …
Ruby: Well, all right; to be honest, I was almost 100% certain of that before you started.  It’s just stopped being amusing now.
Spruce: …
Ruby: …he’s going to keep doing that until one of them blinks, isn’t he?
Fisher: Your magical sense did indicate that the stone we seek is in this Slowpoke’s possession, did they not?  As odd as it seems, a staring contest would not be entirely out of step with the other trials presented to us by the various heathens of this island.
Ruby: If by ‘trials,’ you mean the group of Binacle who demanded an arm-wrestle, the Chatot who made Spruce sing for them, the Inkay with the overgrown hedge-maze, and the Exeggcute village that inexplicably challenged us to a riddle contest, then they prove only that life on this island apparently provides the indigenous creatures with no entertainment whatsoever.  Well… and possibly that Azure Bay is home to a hitherto unknown Chatot subspecies that has tragically and against all probability been struck tone-deaf.
Fisher: Yet only after they heard of our goal did they pose these challenges.  And the final riddle offered as a parting gift by the Exeggcute may yet prove important.
Martial: That lingers on my mind as well.  What creature is it that walks on four legs in the morning, two legs at midday, and three legs in the evening?
Ruby: Bah; the answer is plainly a male human.  The question asks what creature can have three different numbers of ‘legs’ in a single day.  In the morning he crawls out of bed on all fours, suffering from a hangover, by midday he has gotten to his feet, and in the evening-
Merneith: Don’t be ridiculous; the question is phrased to trick us.  They never said it had to be the morning and evening of the same day!  A two-legged Roggenrola might evolve into a three-legged Boldore one evening, and then again into a four-legged Gigalith the next morning.
Martial: Yet I was certain the riddle would refer to the stone’s guardian, and it seems she is neither a human nor a Boldore – nor do either of those species appear to be indigenous to this island.
Slowpoke: Oh… hello… I’m sorry; I didn’t see you there.
Ruby: See-!?  We’ve been standing around you talking for over ten minutes!
Slowpoke: Well, that’s a relief.  For a moment I was worried you’d been waiting a long time.
Spruce: Does that mean I win?
Merneith: …yes.  Yes, you do.
Ruby: Don’t encourage him.  You!  Slowpoke!  Reveal your identity to us!
Slowpoke: Hmm… For a long time I remember many Pokémon called me Hypatia… you may use that name if it pleases you… though it has been a while.  I may only have imagined it… What do you believe you are called?
Ruby: …Ruby the Braixen, fiery jewel among Pokémon, sorceress supreme; perhaps you’ve heard of… oh, forget it.
Hypatia: Forget what?
Amaldos: Forgetting is a privilege reserved for those who are forgiven.
Hypatia: Oh… hello there, honoured master.  How go your duties?
Amaldos: Every subject’s duty is his own soul, but no master’s soul is his own.
Hypatia: I see… And your exalted mentor?  I trust he is well?
Amaldos: [sadly] He is banished from himself… a joyful thing for us, we who are wedded to calamity.
Merneith: You killed him.  You literally killed him in front of us.  Remember?
Amaldos: Remembering is a privilege reserved for those whose loss will be regretted.
Hypatia: Indeed…
Ruby: Argh; you’re all as mad as each other.  Look, Slowpoke; you have a Mega Stone in your possession.  Hand it over.
Hypatia: The stone…?  But it was only just given to me to guard… only four or five generations have passed among the Exeggcute since I was left here by master Amaldos.
Spruce: Four or five… generations?  [To Amaldos] …how old are you?
Amaldos: Enough to have seen mighty oaks grow from old chestnuts.
Spruce: Oaks grow from acorns.  Um.  Don’t they?
Amaldos: There is a time and a place for everything…
Ruby: Whatever; whatever; just hand it over.
Hypatia: …I remember once these stones were freely bought and sold as curiosities.  And in another time, I think perhaps they were feared as terrible weapons.  At one point they were considered an ideal base for a number of salads and chutneys.  But I think I was left here because there was a time we thought them sacred… worthy of protection.  Have our beliefs shifted once again?
Amaldos: Seeing is believing, and we who are blinded by the light see precious little…
Hypatia: Very well… I will trust your judgement, master.  Sorceress… take the stone, and use it well…
Ruby: Ah… at last… and now we shall see what arcane secrets this mighty artefact can unlock…
Spruce: Okay.
Ruby: …right now.
Amaldos: If there is no time like the present, then only the absent have time.
Ruby: …no one wants to object?
Martial: I would rather save my breath for someone wise enough to listen.
Merneith: To be honest, I kinda want to see what this one does.
Ruby: Okay… here goes nothing…

Continue reading “X Nuzlocke, episode 10: A Bolt from the Blue”

X Nuzlocke, episode 9: On the High Seas

Route 12

Ruby: Look, it’s perfectly simple; as my personal minion, everything you know about the Mega Stones now belongs to me.
Amaldos: And so the stars belong in the sky, yet the sky never sought to constrain the stars to wait out the dawn.
Ruby: Yeah, but… that’s not… that analogy makes no sense.
Amaldos: Of course not; for my senses have taken leave of me.
Ruby: If you’re not going to help me find the stones, then why did you want to come along with us in the first place?
Amaldos: There is something new under the sun, old tricks learned again on borrowed time… and soon, a bolt from the blue.  In a matter of life and death, sometimes a Liepard must find more than one way to skin a Purugly in order to change its spots.
Ruby: …okay, sure.  And… the reason I can’t try using yours is…?
Amaldos: It is mine.
Ruby: Ah.  Well.  Fair enough, then.
Amaldos: When you despise something, keep it close; if it leaves you, it was never worth your hatred in the first place.
Spruce: But if the journey is more important than the destination, then why is the road less travelled… um… always blocked by construction workers?
Amaldos: [long silence]
Spruce: And how does someone who walks off the beaten path find their way up the garden path?
Ruby: Uh…
Amaldos: An Accelgor can never catch a Torkoal that has been given a head start.  There is a place nearby where moss gathers on the wrong side of the trees.  Come, blinded one; let us find your stone and set it rolling.
Ruby: [to Spruce] How the hell do you even do that?
Spruce: [shrugs helplessly]

Continue reading “X Nuzlocke, episode 9: On the High Seas”

GrayGryphon asks:

Man, Spruce reminds me so much of one of my own Pidgey characters from a Pokemon RP. Noble and knightly, and referring to his trainer as “my lady” nonironically. He’s probably the one who likes her best, except maybe for her Phanpy who thinks of her as his mom.

I’m glad you like him, although to be honest I don’t think I’d call Spruce “knightly.”  He’s… not really a terribly disciplined person.

X Nuzlocke, episode 8: Seeing Eye Dogs

Shalour City

Chris: Gosh; that tower’s incredible, isn’t it, Ruby?  I’ve read about it but it’s even more amazing to actually see it!
Ruby: Mmm, I suppose even I must admit it’s rather impr- wait, hang on, you can read!?
Chris: Come on!  Korrina said that’s where she hangs out most of the time; let’s go see her!
Ruby: Yes… yes, the human who travels with those two Lucario.  They’ll not escape me this time.  Whatever secrets they hold will be mine!  MINE!  HA-hahahahaha-HAH!
Fisher: …my lady, I must confess you frighten me sometimes.
Spruce: Sometimes?

Continue reading “X Nuzlocke, episode 8: Seeing Eye Dogs”