The Pokémaniacal New Year’s Speed-Nuzlocke-stravaganza

Okay peeps; it’s New Year’s Eve, I’m in Jim the Editor’s flat in sunny and tropical St. Andrews, Scotland, it’s fμ¢&ing miserable outside (because Scotland), and I am going to speed-Nuzlocke the $#!t out of Pokémon: Fire Red version, because WHAT ELSE ARE WE GOING TO DO?  This post will be updated throughout the night with progress reports, screenshots and commentary, and we will either conquer the Elite Four or die trying.

LET’S DO THIS

5:02:

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SHUT UP OAK WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS $#!T

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WE ARE DR. CHRIM, 10-YEAR OLD MAD SCIENTIST BOY GENIUS

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SHUT UP BILLY

5:13

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We are a mad scientist; we can bring Digimon into this world if we choose!  PEPPERBREATH, B!TCHES

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I SAID SHUT UP BILLY!

5:22

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That fool Oak cannot stop our research now!  ALL THE POKÉMON SHALL BE FODDER FOR OUR EXPERIMENTS!

5:33

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From these humble beginnings we will become the greatest travelling circus of SCIENCE in the world!

5:37

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We have tracked down Evil Steve’s nemesis, the vastly more powerful Evil Murray, and defeated him after a titanic struggle!

5:40

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DAMNIT HE’S BACK
WE TRUSTED YOU, MURRAY!
wait no we didn’t
ARE YOU WORKING WITH STEVE, MURRAY!?

5:50

Oh COME ON Toni why are you so $#!T

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MODEST!?  Toni, you have to put yourself out there more!
Jim: It’s a dangerous world out there for women!  She just doesn’t want to attract unwanted attention!
Chris: It’s a dangerous world out there for BIRDS, Jim!

Chris: Both of our female Pokémon are Modest; what kind of message are we sending here?
Jim: It’s not us!  What kind of message is Pokémon sending here?

6:09

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This isn’t even Evil Steve’s final form!  What black deeds is he plotting within this shell!?

6:26

Chris: Okay, they’re all level 8.
Jim: Good; go fight Billy now.
Chris: Well, I’m going to heal them fir-
Jim: NOW

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PREPARE TO DIE BILLY

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Thanks to Evil Steve’s evil poison and Toni’s elite fighting skills, the day is won!

6:37

Chris: THEY’RE ALL POISONED
Jim: Well, use an Antidote then!
Chris: We don’t have any!  I already spent all our money!
Jim: Damn it; this is why we’re supposed to prepare for things!
Chris: It’s fine; we’ll just MUG THESE UNSUSPECTING TEENAGERS TO FUND OUR RESEARCH
Jim: Sounds like the university system…

Chris: We got some money; I’M SPENDING IT ON DRUGS

6:46

“Did you know that Pokémon evolve?”
Why, yes I did, Bug Catcher Charlie, and YOUR DEATH SHALL STOKE THE FIRES

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TREMBLE BEFORE EVIL STEVE

6:55

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what could possibly go wrong

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NOTHING; THAT’S WHAT!  BOW BEFORE EVIL STEVE!

Also, DON’T TALK TO US ABOUT SCIENCE WORDS, YOU SMALL BOY SCOUT

7:31

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Agumon digivolve to: MetalAgumon!  Now we can’t possibly lose!  …right?

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Steve has you right where he wants you, Brock!

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AGUMON, NOOOOOOO!

we shall scatter his digital ashes across the internet…

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this is fine

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BOOYEAH!  VICTORY FOR JOLENE, MOST WORTHY OF RATS

7:45

The Boulderbadge is won, but at what cost?  Agumon has de-digivolved to his constituent zeroes and ones – without his leadership, will Jolene the Top Percentage Ratatta be able to hold the team together!?

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