Reviewing Sapphosian Pokémon From “Ephemerald”

Okay, I’ve had some time with this hack I mentioned a little while ago, I’ve played it, I’ve finished it, I’ve become possibly the first person in the world to legitimately complete the Pokédex (I was the first person known to the creator, at any rate), so I think I’m in a good position to talk about some of the Pokémon designs a bit.

In case you’re just now joining us, or need a reminder, Ephemerald is a ROM hack of Emerald where almost every Pokémon has been redesigned and had its type changed.  The result is a bizzarro alternate-universe version of the classic Hoenn region experience, featuring “Sapphosian” forms of every Pokémon from generations I-III, crammed into a single region.  All the dual-types are unique and every possible combination is covered, but there are multiple single-typed Pokémon of each type.  Because this is generation III, attacks are classed as physical or special based on their type, rather than individually; for this reason, a lot of Sapphosian Pokémon have had their usual attack and special attack stats flipped to whatever suits their new type and movepool best (a courtesy that was not always given to officially designed Pokémon pre-gen IV).  There are also a couple of changes to the type chart balance, a heightened level curve, smarter movesets on most bosses and a couple of fun little extras here and there (although the story and most of the dialogue are basically untouched).

Anyway.  I can’t, and frankly don’t want to, discuss every last one of Ephemerald’s 382 redesigns, so I’m going to get a random number generator to pick ten of them, and hopefully this will serve as a rough barometer of How Good, collectively, all the Sapphosian Pokémon are.  I propose we tackle this enterprise as a field test of a perfect new rating system for Pokémon that came to me in a dream.  This system is based around five key attributes that were revealed to me through mystical channels as the cornerstones of good Pokémon design.  These are:

  • Cunning
  • Mystique
  • Disco
  • Chewiness
  • Curiousness

All of which are, I think, self-explanatory.

I will also mention a sixth attribute of each Pokémon, which is not part of what makes a Pokémon good but is very important anyway, and that is how much Respect I have for it.  Thus, we shall arrive at ultimate Truth.

So, let’s fire up the numberationer and get started! Obviously, do not read on if you wish to play this hack unspoiled.

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Ruby and Sapphire Revisited

Every month, in accordance with dark prophecies written in the stars, I am fated to write an article on a topic chosen by my Dark Council, the conspiratorial conclave of readers who support me for at least $10/month on Patreon.  This month, the decree of the Council was that I watch a video by Pokémon YouTuber Tama Hero (formerly Tamashii Hiroka) re-evaluating Pokémon: Ruby and Sapphire and use it as a springboard to revisit the characterisation of those games’ villains, Team Aqua and Team Magma.  The video can be found here; you don’t have to watch it to understand everything I’m about to say, but I do think it’s worth your time if you like thinking deeply about Pokémon and game design.  If you don’t know Ruby and Sapphire, the fifteen-second summary of Team Aqua and Team Magma is: Aqua likes the sea, Magma likes the land; they both want to wake up an ancient legendary Pokémon (Kyogre or Groudon, respectively) in order to “expand” the sea or land through floods or volcanic eruptions; they eventually succeed and very quickly wish they hadn’t; it’s now your job to clean up the mess.

So, I really liked this video.  Jim the Editor didn’t, because it’s framed as a review but doesn’t really succeed at being impartial, which… is true, but not in my opinion particularly relevant.  The way I see it, the ship has long since sailed on any kind of rating-oriented “review” of Ruby and Sapphire, but this discussion left me with a much clearer understanding of what those games were trying to do and a keener awareness of both their successes and failures in that attempt – and that, to me, is good media criticism, of the kind that I aspire to.  Honestly, to me it often feels like saying at the end of a piece “I liked this Thing” or “I didn’t like this Thing” or “here is how much I liked this Thing out of 10” obscures a lot of what you actually thought about the Thing, which may be a lot more nuanced than your conclusion captures.  I almost think there’s an argument for having no introduction or final summation at all, utterly refusing to give a condensed verdict just to force people to decide for themselves whether your analysis revealed more good points or bad points.

(There is a counterargument that this would needlessly cultivate an antagonistic relationship with one’s audience; however, the beauty of Pokémaniacal is that you bloodsuckers already know I plan to bring about the end of time so I can sacrifice you all to the dark gods I truly and ultimately serve, so really we have nothing to lose here.)

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Claydol asks:

Steven stone’s mega Metagross hits like a truck doesn’t he?

He sure do.  No Earthquake, though, unlike in the original Ruby and Sapphire, which makes him substantially easier to outmanoeuvre in terms of type coverage.  Giga Impact also creates a lot of openings for your Pokémon to come in and hit him hard before he can recover.  I have memories of much greater difficulty with the old non-mega Metagross, but that’s partly because on my first playthrough of Sapphire I had no idea what type the damn thing was, and pre-generation VI Steel-types resist pretty much everything (also I had a Sableye in my party because I didn’t understand the game very well yet).

The Pokémaniacal New Year’s Speed-Nuzlocke-stravaganza IX

8:41

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So… we meet again.

8:45

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NOOOOOOO!  NOT EVIL STEVE!  HE- wait, he was a mob boss who smuggled illegal weaponry, bought and sold slaves, and has literally threatened to kill us a dozen times.

Nonetheless… true evil never dies, and his spirit shall have revenge…

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The Pokémaniacal New Year’s Speed-Nuzlocke-stravaganza VI

4:37

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Thanks to the secret chemical compounds obtained/stolen from Team Rocket by Evil Steve, Dr. Chrim’s experiments on Specimen X have been successful.  Soon his true power shall be unleashed!

4:44

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Side effects may include dry mouth, nausea, sore throat, vomiting, psychosis, and transformation into a gigantic sea dragon.

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The Pokémaniacal New Year’s Speed-Nuzlocke-stravaganza V

New Year’s Day

1:16

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A haggling dispute with Slippery Sue’s contact at the other end of Rock Tunnel has led to bloodshed.  She and Evil Steve will need to find somewhere else to offload our stolen goods.  Meanwhile, Detective Doug thinks this was all a clever sting operation.

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The Pokémaniacal New Year’s Speed-Nuzlocke-stravaganza IV

1:08

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Though Slippery Sue’s numerous contacts, an independent contractor has been hired to deal with the trees in our path – paid in cash and onions.

1:21

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Hmm…

We could go fight a difficult battle against a master of Electric Pokémon to win a shiny bit of plastic and permission to fly in Kanto…

…or we could take a lucrative contract smuggling goods through Rock Tunnel.

Laters!

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