Ruby: I was supposed to be ruling the world by now.
Daku: [bored] We know…
Ruby: I was supposed to have achieved ultimate arcane power by shamelessly exploiting magic items with unclear abilities and vague limitations.
Daku: We know…
Ruby: And instead I’m sitting here, freezing my tail off in the middle of some me-forsaken cluster of ramshackle louse-ridden bivouacs clinging to the edge of the world, waiting for a recon report from a Golduck who worships a fossilised mollusc and the world’s stupidest Pidgeot!
Daku: Are you done?
Ruby: And where the hell is the Shelmet?
Daku: That… that is actually a very good question; where the hell is the Shelmet?
Martial: She mentioned meeting with a contact outside the human settlement. Something about being promised information by a couple of Karrablast.
Ruby: A couple of-? PffffffBAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Martial: I fail to see what is so funny.
Ruby: HAHAHAHAHA oh, you will, trust me, just as soon as she gets back, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahaha ha ha ha… ha… ha… ah, we’re still here. Why.
Martial: Your brother still languishes in prison, witch. Have you already forgotten your promise to him?
Ruby: What? No! No, I mean- just- I mean, of course not! But this place is a pointless backwater; we should just return to Lumiose City and burn anything that gets in our way.
Martial: We cannot risk the civilian casualties that would ensue if we attacked the city without more information about Team Flare’s activities and plans.
Daku: And we could hardly stay in Laverre City either, after the… spat… that you two had with the Cabal sorcerers.
Ruby: Fine, but we need to take real, serious action, and soon.
Spruce: Hey! Ruby!
Fisher: We bring news, my lady!
Ruby: …oh good; my day is about to get even more pointless and dreary.
Spruce: You’ll never guess what we just found!
Ruby: [sigh] Let me guess. A quest.
Spruce: No, A QUE- oh. Oh, okay, you, uh… you guessed it.
Ruby: Incredible. Duck. Explain.
Fisher: Well, my lady, while scouting the entrance to the Frost Cavern north of this settlement, we encountered a Jynx with an interesting proposition…
Ruby: Uh-huh. And this is her, I take it? All right; let’s hear it…
Jynx: I grëët yoü, sørceress, in the nåme of öur Møthër Wïnter. I äm called Brynhildr, ånd I am the læder øf thë rëbel Pøkémon fightïng tø freë the Frost Cavern frøm the tÿrånnical rule of the Abomasnow whöse låir lies in the icÿ hært of our cåve høme.
Ruby: Why- why are you talking like that. Why do you have a Swedish accent. You’re not Swedish. None of us are Swedish. We’re in France.
Spruce: What’s France?
Jynx: I døn’t knöw whät yoü’re talking abœt; I spæk with a Jynx äccent.
Ruby: [deep breath] Fine. Whatever.
Spruce: Brynhildr wants us to help free her people from oppression!
Ruby: Uh huh. What’s in it for us?
Spruce: That’s the best part! Tell her, Brynhildr!
Brynhildr: The ëvil Abomasnow I åm fightïng to øverthrœw hølds a mægical jëwël of græt pøwer – an Abomasite. Nöne of mÿ pœple cån use it, but yöür Pidgeot tells më that yoü can. If yöu’ll ønly joïn thë mercenåry grœüps helpïng üs to fight, it’s yoürs.
Ruby: [stunned] Wha- that- but this is incredible! It’s beyond my wildest dreams! I-
Daku: What, because we’ve found another of your sorcerous baubles?
Ruby: No, because Spruce did something useful!
Spruce: I’m helping!
Umbriel: [somewhere in the distance] EEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHH!
Glückwunsch! Dein Umbriel wurde zu einem Hydragil!
Ruby: Oh, that’s right, this is happening.
Spruce: That sounded like Umbriel! She’s in trouble!
Ruby: Eh. She’s fine.
Umbriel: [WHOOSH] OhmygodohmygodohmygodwhatsgoingonwhyamIgoingsofasthelpmehelpmehelpme! [WHOOSH]
Spruce: Um… what was that… kinda bluish blur? It sounded a little bit like-
Umbriel: [WHOOSH] GuysguysguyssomeonegrabontomeorsomethingIcantslowdownIdontknowwhythisishappening! [WHOOSH]
Spruce: That… definitely sounded like Umbriel.
Spruce: But that must mean… [gasp] oh my Helix! She must be a ghost! Maybe she evolved into a Shedinja!
Ruby: …I have so many problems with everything you just said. Look, just… catch her the next time she blurs past, okay? This is getting old.
Spruce: Ruby, I can’t grab her if she’s a ghost.
Ruby: [stares blankly]
Spruce: Ghost-types are immune to Normal attacks!
Umbriel: [WHOOSH] cantbelievethecraftyb!tchsetmeupandstolemyarmourlikethatthisisthelasttimeIevergotoHERforinformationbelieveme [WHOOSH]
Ruby: …I am going to the cave with this Jynx now. Once there, I am going to start setting things – and Pokémon – on fire. I don’t really know when I’ll stop. Those of you with more than three brain cells are welcome to join me. [leaves]
Spruce: … [starts counting on his flight feathers]
Ruby: So you mentioned there were other groups on your side?
Brynhildr: Ånøther mercenäry cömpanÿ of hümans ånd Pokémon like yœursëlves. Thëy årrived here abœt a wëëk agø, and mÿ fäction førmed an ållïäncë with them.
Daku: Ask the creature who our enemies in this conflict are.
Ruby: Do it yourself.
Daku: [sneer] Speaking to one of her tier is beneath me.
Brynhildr: Whø dœs the lïzård think he is? I äm valkyrja, a mightÿ wårriør Jynx! I häve slåin manÿ enëmies in båttle wïth my frøzen fïsts!
Daku: [stunned] …you mean to say that you specialise in physical attacks?
Brynhildr: Indëed, puny drågøn.
Daku: [to himself] …what manner of upside-down meta is this…?
Ruby: This moron’s complaining aside…
Daku: [mutinous grumbling]
Ruby: …it would be helpful to know what we’re fighting.
Brynhildr: Pokémon øf the cåves thät suppört our tÿrannicäl överlørd. The Jynx ånd Haunter are my fäctiøn; agäinst üs, there åre manÿ Piloswine, Beartic ånd Bergmite.
Daku: …ah. These are all, ah… Ice-types, correct?
Ruby: …what, don’t tell me you’re scared? A big, tough “OU” Dragon-type like you? What were you expecting from a place called the “Frost Cavern”?
Daku: I am not “scared,” witch; I fear no enemy, least of all some mongrel Bergmite. I simply feel it would be wisest for me to… secure the rear-guard in this particular campaign. You and the duck may have the honour of taking point.
Ruby: [rolls eyes] Whatever helps you sleep at night.
Fisher: I for one shall be glad to visit anarchic justice upon these dastardly scoundrels. The Blessed Helix does not look kindly upon tyrants.
Brynhildr: Whåt is yoür gød’s öpiniøn of the ëstäblishmënt of mïlitåry jüntäs, strånge littlë dück?
Fisher: Um. You know, I am not certain it has ever come up before. I suppose the actions of the hero Lazorgator and his fallen Admiral might be viewed in such a light, in which case… well, let us simply say that the answer would be theologically complicated. Why do you ask?
Brynhildr: …nø pärticulår ræsön.
Chris: …and then they just gave me this sack of Master Balls and told me to come here and deliver them to you.
Mable: Ugh. Ridiculous. I can’t believe Celosia and Bryony would entrust such an important task to a practically unknown chi- wait… wait, no, I can totally believe they would do that. [sigh] Well, hand ‘em over.
Chris: Here you go. So, um… I guess I should probably report back to Mr. Lysandre or something…?
Mable: Eh. To be honest, he’s probably got his hands full with the culmination of Project Arcady. Things are gonna be ramping up pretty soon – ‘specially now that we’ve got these babies. Just go do your thing for a while; someone will get in touch with you if you’re nee-.
[BANG – CRASH – FWOOOSH – KAPOW]
Ruby: AH-hahahahahahahahahaha! BURN! BUUUUUURN, FOOLS!
Fisher: In the name of the Helix and almighty Bird Jesus, fall before the waves of justice! SURF!
Mable: What the-!?
Chris: [deadpan] …I have never seen these Pokémon before in my life. [quietly slips away]
Mable: They must be wild or something… but why are they attacking the cave Pokémon…? Do you have any idea what-? Uh. Kid? Where did you-? [looking around] Where did he go?
Mable: [shrug] Eh, whatever; I’ve got an Abomasnow to enslave.
Bergmite: Comrades! They have reached the council chamber! Reinfor-ARGH!
Ruby: Yes! BURN, fools! Or, uh… MELT, fools! Taste the wrath of the mightiest sorceress of all time! FLAMETHROWER!
Abomasnow: What in-!? Who the devil are you?
Ruby: Devil is right! You face Ruby the Delphox, fiery jewel among Pokémon, sorceress supreme – perhaps you’ve heard of me? Ordinarily I’d give you the chance to prostrate yourself before my magnificence and beg for your worthless life, but you’ve caught me on a very boring day, so I’m afraid I’m just going to set you on fire now. FLAMETHROWER!
Abomasnow: AAH! No, wait! Can we not discuss this like civilised Pokémon!? Brynhildr is lying to you!
Ruby: [pause] …what, really? You don’t have a Mega Stone?
Abomasnow: Wh-? No, no, I mean her propaganda about me being an autocrat! I am merely the chairman of an anarcho-communist collective!
Ruby: A what?
Abomasnow: Why, a community of Pokémon who have thrown off the reins of human rule and work together for the common good! We believe that all Pokémon are equal, and should never sleep in a bed with sheets!
Ruby: That’s… a weirdly specific prohibition.
Abomasnow: And we build windmills!
Abomasnow: Well… we expect they shall be very helpful. Once we get them working. We’ve built four of them now; the fifth one is sure to stay up.
Ruby: At the risk of provoking an incredibly tedious story… what happened to the first four?
Abomasnow: The first one collapsed under the weight of a major snowfall. The second one… also collapsed under the weight of a major snowfall. The third one was struck by lightning, burned down, fell into the river, washed up on the opposite bank and was then buried under a major snowfall. The fourth one-
Ruby: Oh gods I’ve stopped caring; look, is there any chance of you handing over that Mega Stone or not?
Abomasnow: Well… not really, no, I-
Ruby: All I needed to hear. FLAMETHROWER!
Abomasnow: AAAAAAAAAH! Uncouth, barbaric-! Wood Hamm-
Daku: DRAGON CLAW!
Abomasnow: ARGH! [collapses]
Daku: Hmph. “All Pokémon are equal” indeed. NU scum.
Ruby: [to Daku] …you kill-stealing son of a-
Mable: Ah-hah! Gotcha! [throws Pokéball]
Abomasnow: Oh, bother… [vanishes]
Mable: Booyeah! I was sure I was gonna have to burn a Master Ball on this ugly brute! Mission accomplished! [to Ruby] Don’t mind me, I was just leaving. [drops a smoke bomb] Ah-hahahahahaha!
Ruby: [searching] That human had better not have just taken the- Ah! Here we are! [holds up Abomasite] Victory is mine!
Brynhildr: [arriving] Åh! I sëe our føe is bæten! Löng live the gløriøus rëvolütion!
Jynx bodyguards: Løng lïve Gënerål Brynhildr!
Ruby: Hmph. No thanks to you. But whatever, I got what I came here for.
Brynhildr: [to Jynx bodyguards] Quicklÿ, sëcure the entrånces tø this chämbër. Årrest äny of the tråsh still suppørting thë tÿrånt that yöu can fïnd. [to Ruby] Hërø of thë rëvølution! Plæse, ståy a whïle and enjöy a stäte banquët in hönour of your servïces to our pœple!
Ruby: Well, I suppose a little recognition for once does sound nice… [glares at Daku]
Brynhildr: [glancing behind her] Åh! And here ïs the våliänt læder of the øthër mercënäry grøup thåt has beën aïding us!
Houndoom: Well fought today, brave valkyrja; it has been an honour to-
Ruby and Houndoom: YOU!
Brynhildr: Åh, yöu alrædÿ knöw æch øther.
Ruby and Houndoom: [to each other] What are you-!? How dare you-!? You’ll pay for-! STOP THAT!
Houndoom: I don’t know what wicked scheme you have planned here, witch, but you’ll rue the day you crossed Team Flare!
Ruby: Oh, I’ll rue the day? Have you forgotten who you’re talking to, dog?
Houndoom: Have you? We both know your powers cannot harm me!
Ruby: Oh yeah? Well, I’ve got a brand new Mega Stone freezing a hole in my pocket and I just cannot wait to see what I can do with this one, so bring it!
Brynhildr: Mÿ friënds, plæsë! Wë håve just wøn a græt victørÿ tögether; do nöt rüin this hïstöric mømënt now by türnïng on one anöther! Wë åll häve what wë wånt here; cån ÿou nøt püt yoür rivålriës asïde and pärt waÿs pæcefülly?
Ruby and Houndoom: [to Brynhildr] You stay out of this!
Brynhildr: Büt it wöuld be süch a shåme if mÿ gløriöus nëw regime wëre førced in the nåme of pæcekeeping to süllÿ itsëlf with pølïticål exëcütion so söon… espëciallÿ of twö førmer herøes of the revolütiøn…
Jynx bodyguards: [closing in menacingly]
Ruby and Houndoom: …
Ruby: [to Houndoom] …let us never speak of this again. To anyone. Ever.
Spruce: …so then we had to build a makeshift net out of twigs, leaves and a human’s clothesline…
Daku: All things considered, witch, I believe I made the correct choice in joining your assault on the caves.
Ruby: Oh? Could that be a glimmer of respect for my leadership I finally hear from your ungrateful scaly snout?
Daku: Hmph. Don’t push it.
Umbriel: ThepointofthestoryistheymanagedtoslowmedownandnowImtotallyfine! Ijustneedalittlewhiletogetusedtomynewspeedthatsall.
Ruby: Are we actually going to have to listen to this awful buzzing all the time now?
Umbriel: WellIthinkitsgoingtotakealittlewhileformetogetusedtoslowingdownmyspeechbutitsreallynotthatbad. AfterallnowIcanexplaincomplicatedstrategicintelreallyquicklyandIcanevenfoolhiddenrecordingequipmentbyspeedingupmyvoiceevenmorelikethis – eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…
Ruby, Spruce, Fisher, Martial and Daku: [clutching heads] Arrrrrghh!
Ruby: Just… stop talking. Please.
Umbriel: Um. Okay.
Ruby: Right. So what the hell are we going to do now? I need to find something to test out this new Mega Stone on, but there’s NOTHING IN THIS DAMN WASTELAND!
Umbriel: Ohmygod. OhmygodIforgot. HowcouldIhaveforgottensomethingsoimportant!? Damnitdamnitdamnit!
Ruby: What? What is it?
Umbriel: Mycontact! TheKarrablast! Theonewhostolemyarmour! Shedidtellmesomething! AnistarCity! Wegottagothere! Wegottagofast! Theresawayforustofindoutwhatsreallygoingon!
Ruby: SLOW. THE HELL. DOWN.
Umbriel: Um. Sorry. [deep breath] In Anistar City. Just east of here. There’s a construct. A magical construct, celestial origin. Enormous crystal. Divination device. They call it the Sundial. A spellcaster – you – can use it. Find things, sense things, things that are like other things. See all of Kalos. Um. Maybe. Never been scientifically examined. Could be mumbo jumbo. But-
Ruby: Buuuuut, it could be for real… and it could be exactly what I need to find Team Flare’s base and burn it to ash, once and for all!
Umbriel: Um. Andrescueyourbrother.
Ruby: Yeah, that too.
Ruby the Fennexis (Delphox)
Female, Bold nature, level 45, Großbrand (Blaze)
Lichtschild (Light Screen), Psychoschock (Psyshock), Strauchler (Grass Knot), Flammenwurf (Flamethrower)
Spruce the Tauboss (Pidgeot)
Male, Rash nature, level 45, Adlerauge (Keen Eye)
Ruheort (Roost), Daunenreigen (Featherdance), Fliegen (Fly), Fassade (Façade)
Fisher the Entoron (Golduck)
Male, Brave nature, level 45, Wolke Sieben (Cloud Nine)
Aussetzer (Disable), Dunkelklaue (Shadow Claw), Zen-Kopfstoß (Zen Headbutt), Surfer (Surf)
Martial the Nidoking
Male, Brave nature, level 45, Giftdorn (Poison Point)
Donnerblitz (Thunderbolt), Erdkräfte (Earth Power), Gifthieb (Poison Jab), Stärker (Strength)
Daku the Knarksel (Gabite)
Male, Sassy nature, level 45, Sandschleier (Sand Veil)
Klauenwetzer (Hone Claws), Drachenklaue (Dragon Claw), Schaufler (Dig), Schlitzer (Slash)
Umbriel the Hydragil (Accelgor)
Female, Hardy nature, level 45, Wertehalte (Sticky Hold)
Käfergebrumm (Bug Buzz), Gigasauger (Giga Drain), Toxin, Giftschock (Venoshock)
Melissa the Bibor (Beedrill)
Female, Jolly nature, level 16, Hexaplaga (Swarm)
Giftstachel (Poison Sting), Duonadel (Twineedle), Energiefokus (Focus Energy), Furienschlag (Fury Attack)
Boreas the Amarino (Amaura)
Male, Mild nature, level 29, Frostschicht (Refrigerate)
Natur-Kraft (Nature Power), Bodycheck (Take Down), Felsgrab (Rock Tomb), Aurorastrahl (Aurora Beam)
Amaldos the Lucario
Male, Hasty nature, level 39, Felsenfest (Steadfast)
Steigerungshieb (Power-Up Punch), Schwerttanz (Swords Dance), Egotrip (Me First), Knochenhatz (Bone Rush)